New York Mets Fire Sale: Six Alternative Ways To Save the Team

Satire—The New York Mets are being sued by the victims of Bernie Madoff’s infamous Ponzi scheme. Things must not be going well in lawyer land, because Met owners Fred and Jeff Wilpon are looking to sell chunks of the team to raise cash fast.

 

They put it this way: “To provide additional assurance that the New York Mets will continue to have the necessary resources to fully compete and win, we are looking at a number of potential options including the addition of one or more strategic partners.”

 

To facilitate the fire sale, the Mets hired a high-priced mergers and acquisitions firm. But some observers are saying that’s throwing good money after bad. They contend there are other ways the Mets can avoid a financial crisis.

 

Here are some of the most promising options:

Sell Baseball Scout Cookies

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UNITED STATES - SEPTEMBER 20: Children at the Respite Care enjoy their cookies after Jason Bohn helped the youngsters decorate cookies during the PGA TOUR's Player Charity Visit for the 2005 Valero Texas Open in San Antonio, Texas September 20, 2005 . (

If the Girl Scouts can bake their way into a fortune, why can’t the Mets?

 

Mets’ Baseball Scout Cookies can be shaped to resemble the team’s most popular players and named accordingly.  The Mets could sell cases and cases of Santana Samoas. Ike Davis Do-Si-Dos, and Jose Reyes Raisin Rafts.

 

Branching into candy sales would be next.  

 

Who could resist a K-Rod Jawbreaker?

Become a Yankees’ Farm Club

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PHOENIX - JUNE 23: Fans of the New York Yankees hold up a flag during the Major League Baseball game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field on June 23, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona. The Yankees defeated the Diamondbacks 6-5 in ten innings. (Photo

With the talent the Mets have now, the team might even achieve the AAA level In the American League farm system. 

 

All the money Yankees general manager Brian Cashman saved by missing out on Cliff Lee now can be put to good use. 

 

And Mets fans can start wearing those cool Yankee caps.

Have Bono Do a Benefit Concert

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LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 30: Musician Bono attends the NIKE & (RED) Charity Announcement at NikeTown on November 30, 2009 in London, England. On the day before World Aids day some of the world's best footballers joined Bono at an announcement of the pa

Bono is an expert at dealing with lost causes. 

 

Look what he did for Spiderman.

Turn Citi Field into a Casino

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FLUSHING, NY - MAY 20: Mr. Met, the mascot of the New York Mets, during the game against the St. Louis Cardinals on May 20, 2004 at Shea Stadium in Flushing, New York. The Cardinals won 11-4. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Wilpon sounds like a name that could unlock some Native American gambling privileges.

 

It’s time to put that connection to work.

 

Fill the dark inner passageways of Citi Field with flashing slot machines, roulette wheels and craps tables.

Make Mr. Met the head croupier.

And give the fans a reason for that trip to Flushing.

Trade Gary, Keith And Ron to the Highest Bidder

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NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 28: (L-R) Former New York Mets players Lenny Dykstra, Jerry Koosman, Keith Hernandez, Dwight Gooden, Ron Darling greet after the game against the Florida Marlins to commemorate the last regular season baseball game ever played in She

The Mets have the best broadcast booth in the business, in the form of Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling.

 

They should be worth millions on the open market.

Pass the Plate At Every Home Game

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FLUSHING, NY - MARCH 29: Spectators wait to get in the new Citi Field before the game between the Georgetown Hoyas and St. John's Red Storm on March 29, 2009 in the Flushing neighborhood of the Queens borough of New York City. This is the first event to

Say hallelujah and manufacture a couple of thousand collection containers in the shape of home plate.

Pass them around and convince the fans that they’re buying into the team by throwing in their pocket money. 

 

Just make sure the deposits are of the folding variety. 

 

Let us pay.