NFL Lockout 2011: 20 Ways to Fill the Football Sundays Void This Fall
I remember when the letters CBA only conjured up laughter and thoughts of a defunct league that Isiah Thomas ran worse than he did the New York Knicks.
Now, those three letters make me piss myself in the sheer terror of the dark visions that are rumbling quickly towards the present.
The CBA, or collective bargaining agreement, has expired in the NFL. After the Super Bowl, there likely won't be any NFL football until a new one is reached. This means we will all be dangling on the whims of billionaires and millionaires as they try to agree on how much pie they each get to eat.
In the meantime, they toy with our very sanity. Seriously, I need NFL football. It is what gets me through the rain-filled, dark at 2 pm, pacific northwest days without getting a little funny in the head.
It is obvious, I cannot leave my sanity solely in the hands of the bargaining powers that be. I need to be armed with alternative activities. Here are some of my ideas—may they help you, too.
No. 20: Learn The Names Of Your Children
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I have really skated by on nicknames and pointing up until now. "Hey Sport, your blocking the TV."
You know, nothing to exotic—just the usual, "Buddy, Champ, Sweetheart" nicknames. Come to think of it, one of my kids may actually be named Buddy. Who knows? I'll figure that out after the Super Bowl!
No. 19: HIde and Tackle
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You know the deal: one person hides and the other person looks for them.
In this game, however, the seeker does not simply say, "I found you." How's that going to help us get our football fix? This version does not end until the seeker flying tackles the hider.
No. 18: Lingerie Football
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We are already trained to watch football on Sundays. I'd prefer that I didn't have to break that habit.
If I ran the Lingerie Football League (where do I apply?) I would already be making a schedule to fill the huge void created by the absence of NFL action.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
No. 17: Role-Playing
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This one will cure the boredom for us and the NFL players. Here's my idea and there are countless others:
I am going to dress as Mike Shanahan. Then I'll follow Donovan McNabb around and call for a back-up. "McNabb! We need to hurry up. I can't let you finish this shopping trip. You don't know the list well enough. Take a seat."
No. 16: It's New To Me
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Think of a season from your favorite team that you weren't around to see or you don't remember seeing. Then live it like it was happening anew, week-by-week.
1976 Raiders, here I come.
No. 15: Become a Monk
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The quest for enlightenment has always intrigued me. I was just never sure I'd be able to reach total enlightenment in the span of an offseason.
Without football, I'd be able to Monk it up—even on Sundays.
No. 14: Investigate The Al Davis Theory
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There's a nasty rumor floating around that Al Davis actually died two years ago, but is roaming the earth while he has God tied up in litigation.
With us both free on Sundays, I figure I can get close enough to get a quick body temperature reading, or check his pulse, and investigate this theory.
No. 13: Recreate The Action
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Who says we can't have an NFL season? I am going to recreate each game of the season on my vibrating football board.
I'll get one person to represent each team and play it game by game, at the same time they are on the schedule. To prevent head injuries, each team representative will wear a leather helmet while the action is taking place.
No. 12: Pay It Forward
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Maybe I shouldn't, but sometimes I feel guilty for forgetting my loved ones exist every fall Sunday.
I say, take that time to reconnect with your spouse or other loved one. Try to erase any future guilt, by sacrificing yourself to a day of their favorite activities.
No. 11: Make Life Additions
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For those of you without a neglected special someone in your life, what better time to look than the football non-season?
This will give you something to do and you will be far more attractive to the opposite sex while not in the throws of your football addiction.
No. 10: Check Out The Other Football
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Football is only football to us in America—everywhere else football is soccer. This year will be as good a chance as any to see what all the fuss is about.
I'll aim my unused football fandom and energy towards the other football. I'll be the guy at the soccer game in a Lawrence Taylor jersey, holding the D-fence sign and screaming "block that kick" a lot.
No. 9: Be a Responsible Citizen
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It would be foolish and downright reckless to think all the hostility I direct towards my team's opposition is just going to dissipate, because they aren't playing football.
I certainly do not want this to find an outlet in undeserving sources. So, I will simply follow players around and taunt them like I normally would. Only they won't be playing football.
"You call that making pancakes! You can't make pancakes in this house, baby! Yeah, suck it, Philip Rivers!"
No. 8: Go Us!
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The players and owners won't be the only one missing cash flow if there is no football on Sundays.
I am always surprised at how little money NFL cheerleaders make. In fact, I think for a less than a bank-breaking amount, I could hire a cheerleading squad and have them follow me around.
This way, when I was doing something like raking the leaves, I could do it to the cheers of "Push 'em back; shove 'em back; waaaaay back!"
Call me Mr. Jones and keep up with that neighbor.
No. 7: Reality TV
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I am not saying to watch reality TV—that'd be stupid. The only reality TV for me is sports. I say make a reality TV show. It's easy and it doesn't cost anything.
My idea (patent pending) is to follow T.O. and make a reality show of him making his reality shows.
No. 6: Virtual Reality
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We'll make these guys play in NFL stadiums one way or another.
Sure, this is just avatars of the players, but I could certainly appease my football hunger for a few Sundays by playing Madden Football on the Cowboys giant video screen.
No. 5: Good Deeds
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Our favorite football players may be gone next season, but it doesn't mean they need to be forgotten. Take some or you free-time on Sundays to help them out.
Jay Cutler was injured so badly in the NFC Championship game that he could no longer play. If doctors are not forced to amputate his leg, he is going to need some serious rehab.
Here's the plan: throw a walker in your trunk, keep an eye on Jay and when he tries to walk, get out the walker and assist him.
No. 4: Start A New League
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The product demand is already there. This is a goldmine waiting to happen. It will not only fulfill my insane desire to have professional football to follow, but make me rich in the process.
I don't have the funds to start this, but I am confident I can get Donald Trump to back me. I already have a name: The Ultimate Super Football League. This is foolproof.
No. 3: Become a Therapist
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Look, we aren't the only ones who are going to have a lot of free-time on our hands. Think about the NFL players? The lack of football could be enough to drive some downright crazy.
I am going to capitalize, did I say capitalize?--I mean help, players with this. "I know it's hard Ray Lewis, but when you feel that you just HAVE to tackle someone, try petting this stuffed pink rabbit instead."
No. 2: Re-Focusing Effort
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Football consumes a lot of my time. I mean, it's not just the hours I spend watching it, but also the hours (pretty much all of them) I spend thinking about it.
If we band together and focus the mental power that had previously been devoted to football, I estimate we could devise a cure for cancer. That's just in Week One. We'd be staring at a Utopia if the lockout persisted.
No. 1: Get in Shape
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This one is the most obvious, isn't it? As we've seen in the past, and in movies, the owners are going to throw someone out there.
I've got no problem being a scab. Put me in coach, I am ready to pull a hammy!
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
