Chad Ochocinco or Chad Johnson? 5 Other Names Chad Should Consider (Satire)

Matt Stein@MatthewJSteinCorrespondent IIJanuary 27, 2011

Chad Ochocinco or Chad Johnson? 5 Other Names Chad Should Consider (Satire)

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    MIAMI GARDENS, FL - JANUARY 31:  Chad Ochocinco #85 of the AFC looks on during the 2010 AFC-NFC Pro Bowl game at Sun Life Stadium on January 31, 2010 in Miami Gardens, Florida. The AFC defeated the NFC 41-34. (Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images)
    Scott Halleran/Getty Images

    With news that Chad Ochocinco might change his name back to Chad Johnson, much of the football world is shocked. 

    At first, we thought the name change was stupid and outrageous.  But over time, like any good thing, we began to come to love Ochocinco. 

    We realized how easily Ochocinco rolled off the tongue, and many of us, after much internet searching, also realized we had learned a word of a different language.

    So, before Ochocinco goes and changes his name again, I thought we should put a little time and effort into making sure we got the right last name this time.  We don't want to get used to calling him Chad Johnson and then in a couple years he goes and changes his name again. 

    Anyways, here are the five best last names I could think of.

Honorable Mention: Quatre Vingt Cinq, Fünfundachtzig, Vijfentachtig, Etc.

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    There are literally thousands of languages in the world, and Chad could easily change his last name to a different translation of 85 once a year for the rest of his life. 

    I think there is some bad blood between Chad and much of the world due to him picking Spanish as the language to translate his last name into. 

    Why not French or German or Dutch? 

    Why not Italian or Japanese or Russian? 

    I think Chad has barely scratched the surface of possibilities with Ochocinco.  Who knows, by representing enough countries languages with his last name, Chad might be the one man to bring world peace.

No. 5: Johnson

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    MIAMI - DECEMBER 30:  Wide receiver Chad Johnson #85 of the Cincinnati Bengals talks with defensive end Jason Taylor #99 the Miami Dolphins during a stoppage in play at Dolphin Stadium on December 30, 2007 in Miami, Florida. The Bengals defeated the Dolph
    Doug Benc/Getty Images

    Chad Johnson had his best years with his original last name and declined in production greatly as Chad Ochocinco. 

    It's time for him to get back to his roots.

No. 4: Lozada

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    MIAMI BEACH, FL - MARCH 23:  Evelyn Lozada attends The Sony Ericsson Open Kick-Off Party at LIV nightclub at Fontainebleau Miami on March 23, 2010 in Miami Beach, Florida.  (Photo by Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for Sony Ericsson)
    Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images

    Taking his fiancée's last name would be the ultimate way to show his manliness.  I'm not saying that he needs to wear a white dress down the aisle like Dennis Rodman, but Chad Lozada has a nice ring to it.

    Evelyn Lozada was married to Antoine Walker previously, so if Lozada doesn't work, he could always give Walker a try.

No. 3: Smith

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    CINCINNATI - NOVEMBER 21:  Chad Ochocinco #85 of the Cincinnati Bengals watches the final minute of the Bengals 49-31 loss to the Buffalo Bills at Paul Brown Stadium on November 21, 2010 in Cincinnati, Ohio.  (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)
    Andy Lyons/Getty Images

    Johnson is currently the second most common last name in the United States. 

    In order for Chad to prove he really is No. 1, he should change his last name to the most common, which is Smith. 

    This would also make his whole name only two syllables long, meaning it would take people less time to say it, and therefore, they could talk about him more in less time.

No. 2: Bengal Master

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    BATON ROUGE, LA - OCTOBER 06:  LSU mascot Mike VI, a Bengal/Siberian mixed tiger, is displayed on the field before the Florida Gators take on the LSU Tigers at Tiger Stadium on October 6, 2007 in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  (Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images)
    Doug Benc/Getty Images

    To show his team that he really cares, Chad could tattoo his whole body in orange and white stripes. 

    He could start eating raw meat, living in trees, and doing other feline things. 

    He would become so feared that when asked what we should call him, he would answer, "My name is Chad Bengal Master."

No. 1: Terrell Owens

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    CINCINNATI - NOVEMBER 08: Chad Ochocinco #85 and Terrell Owens #81 of the Cincinnati Bengals is celebrate Owens touchdown against the Pittsburgh Steelers at Paul Brown Stadium on November 8, 2010 in Cincinnati, Ohio.  (Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Imag
    Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

    In the greatest prank ever played on the National Football League, Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens switch identities.  Chad Johnson becomes Terrell Owens and Terrell Owens becomes Chad Johnson. 

    They live in each others house, they wear each others clothes, eat each others favorite foods, swap reality television shows, and so on.  The "new" Terrell Owens could be welcomed back to the 49ers, Eagles or Cowboys, while the "new" Chad Johnson could start his own legacy of ruining teams. 

    Roger Goodell would get so infuriated, he would implode and the 2011 season would be saved. 

    Good job Chad, way to help again.

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