Super Bowl Sunday Drinking Games: Look Out Minnie, Big Ben is Going to Disney

The Super Bowl is a national American holiday.

And it is the perfect time for drinking games.

A fan does not have to be with the beautiful people dropping $80,000 for a Dallas pregame cabana or partying with Prince for 1,500 bucks or paying P Diddy a $750 cover to hang out with him to play Super Bowl drinking games.

All a fan needs is a smoky bar, a basement party or any other place with an ice cold pitcher and a nice television.   

Greed is good and sex sells in Dallas this week.

It's said Dallas is desperate for 10,000 more strippers this week to meet dire demands. And that's not counting Jerry Jones' Cowboy White House needs. 

Tickets are topping $2,000 on Stub Hub and premium parking is pushing $1,000 a spot.

A mile from the stadium parking only costs $50 and Jerry Jones Party Plaza outdoor viewing tickets are going for about $360.

But who needs that high-priced hassle, just fill up a pitcher and enjoy the ride. 

Drink at every appearance of a Lombardi Packer or Noll Steeler. Drink a double if it's a dead one on a commercial. Drink a triple if it's a dead on the sideline. 

Drink at every appearance of Vince Lombardi. Drink a double if it's an actor Lombardi or a computer-generated Lombardi or a mini Lombardi.

Drink at any sighting of Chuck Noll, Jack Lambert, Mean Joe, Jack Ham, Franco, Rocky or Mel Blount. Drink a double if Lambert is spotted because a Lambert sighting is as rare as a Big Foot one.

Drink if a NFL sponsored commercial, followed by the words we have learned to be so sweet and nice, appears of Mike Vick hugging a puppy and Big Ben hugging coed appears.

Drink at any appearance of a Beatle or Rolling Stone alive or dead or in a state of Keef.

Drink and toast Paul Hornung if he is sighted. Drink a double and shout "Golden Boy!" if he is sighted smiling and staggering or scoring.

Drink and toast the thirsty shade of Max McGee every time he scores on an old highlight.

Drink at any mention of Brett Favre. Drink a double if it's Brett Favre referring to himself as Brett Favre, drink a triple if he has man tears and is mumbling about retirement.

Drink when someone credits Aaron Rogers' development or toughness to Brett Favre. 

Drink if Kato appears.

Drink at every contrived attempted by a television talking head to force yet another silly, stupid nickname down the viewers throats. Drink a double if it's a variant of A-Rog or A-Rod for Aaron Rogers.

Drink at every dog sighting. Drink a double if the dog speaks or sings.

Drink at every sighting of Jennifer Lopez and that kind of creepy old Aerosmith singer.

Drink at every comic book movie commercial. Drink a double and roar if it be Thor.

Drink at every mention of sweet Big Ben's redemption. Drink a double if Big Ben thanks the Lord. Drink a triple if he thanks the Lord and having cops as bodyguards and very good lawyers.

Drink at every Michael Vick mention. Drink a double if the solemn question is, where will Vick go?

Drink if Xtina is smashed singing the National Anthem. Drink a double if she is smashed and topless.

Drink at every talking or singing animal that appears during the game. Drink a double if the beast attacks someone.

Drink if Gwyneth Paltrow appears as a down and out country singer with a phony British accent. 

Drink a triple if a commercial combines a talking or singing beast, an act of violence, liquor and a sexy chick or three. 

Drink at any John Riggins sighting. Drink a double if he is running over or past Miami Dolphins.

Drink at every act on violence committed during a television commercial.

Drink any time a commentator raises his voices to a scream or a shout to prove a point because when someone shouts or screams it is a scientific fact that they are not only correct but highly intelligent. 

Drink if Big Ben says, "Look out Minnie I'm going to Disney."

Drink if Terry Bradshaw physically or verbally attacks Big Ben.

Drink any time a Packer bounces off Big Ben.

Drink if, like NY Daily cartoonist Bill Gallo, you think Big Ben looks and acts like Bluto. 

Drink at any Elvis or Muhammad Ali sightings.

Drink at any singing or dancing bear sighting. Drink a double if it's Ditka drunk in a bear suit. 

Drink at every sighting of a Big Foot, a pirate, a mythological beast, a Kardashian, a Ditka or a Viking. Drink a double if they are maiming or screaming at some poor slob.

Drink at every commercial in which someone is armed. This includes Cincinnati Bengals, cowboys, gunfighters, Comanches, soldiers, space aliens, pirates peddling rum, sailors, marines, tanks and any ship or plane of war.

Drink, and say awwwww isn't that sweet, at every mention of Flozell Adams floating home to Dallas.

Drink and say I'm melting every time Jerry Jones materializes on screen. Drink a double if he is saying that his stadium is somehow a credit to humanity.

Drink at any sighting or mention of Jay Cutler.

Drink at every appearance of a 1985 Bear.

Drink at any George Halas sighting.

Drink and say go away any time a Manning materializes on the screen. 

Drink any time someone does Kung Fu.

Drink at every replay of B.J. Raji scoring. Drink a double and do the Raji, Raji Shake if he scores again.

Drink at every appearance of a Victoria's Secret Model. Drink a double if Big Ben is chasing them or Rex Ryan is stealing their shoes. 

Drink at every mention at how cold the Gotham Super Bowl will be.

Drink if John Madden or Pat Summerall are spotted.

Drink and scramble at any Roger Staubach sighting.

Drink at any Tom Landry, Bob Lily, Tony Dorsett or Dandy Don sighting.

Drink at the sound of the voice of John Facenda.

Drink if at any Jim Thorpe sighting. Drink at double if he is beside you at the bar.

Drink if The Immaculate Reception is shown.

Drink at any Rooster Cogburn sighting.

Drink every time someone tries to sell something unhealthy to eat.

Drink any time someone downs booze on a commercial and does happily something that would certainly maim or kill them. 

Drink every time a bikini babe appears on a beach.

Drink any time fat person makes a big play during the game. Drink a double if a fat person scores.

Drink at every dead actor magically regenerated to peddle something on a commercial. Drink a double if it's Bogart, Marylin, McQueen or Duke.

Drink at any Black Eyed Pea wardrobe malfunction. Drink a double if it's Fergalicious.

Drink if it appears that somehow Troy Aikman and Jack Buck strangely seem to have become some sort of bizarre Siamese twins.

Drink at every Pam Oliver appearance, drink a double at every useless update she utters. Caution: Prepare for a lot of Pam doubles. 

Drink at any mention of Pittsburgh pugilists Billy Conn or Harry Greb.

Drink if it Roger Goodell appears to have small, sharp horns on his head and a tiny tail sticking from his $10,000 suit.

Drink and dance if you hear Pittsburgh polka music. 

Drink at any mention of John Kuhn's Steeler Super Ring or Shippensburg University.  

Drink every time Troy Aikman says, "When I played in the Super Bowl..."

Drink every time a millionaire player thanks the Lord for taking time out of his busy day to personally help him make a tackle, score a touchdown, make a sack, run the ball, catch the ball or kick the ball. 

Drink if someone waterboards Skip Bayless in Gatorade.

Drink every time a player, coach, owner or official makes a reference about this game or the coming players strike being a war.

Drink every time Chris Berman screams, squeaks, squawks or squeals a totally stupid nickname. Drink a double if somehow his massive head explodes during a squawk like that guy in the old science fiction flick Scanners. 

Drink any time someone solemnly inquires if this will be Hines Ward's last game.  

Drink at every Texas icon sighting. Drink a double if it's Sam Houston, Davy Crockett, a longhorn, Jim Bowie, Quanah Paker, John Wesley Hardin, Judge Roy Bean, Woodrow Call, Gus McCrae, a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, Janis Joplin, John Bell Hood, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly or Dandy Don Meredith.

Drink if Phil Collins appears and says he is Texas scout Deaf Smith reincarnated. Drink a double because he actually does believe it.

Drink if Orson Wells or Chris Farley appear in Cheeseheads.

Drink at any Angie Jolie, Ozzie or space alien sighting.

Drink if someone murders the Fox Robot.

Drink if Captain America appears. Drink a double if a redneck shoots him off a motorcycle.

Drink if a pirate sails into the picture.

Drink at any mention of the movie The Deer Hunter.

Drink if a car on a commercial is traveling at a very unsafe speed.

Drink any time a broadcaster calls a football player a real football player.

Drink if a product on a commercial was bailed out.

Drink at every current or former Super Bowl week player arrest. Drink a double if it's a Dallas Cowboy.

Drink if a naked Charlie Sheen is chased across the field raving like a loon.

Drink every time Michael Irvin appears, mutters something incoherent and breaks into uncontrollable, endless laughter at whatever joke he just told himself.

Drink if a space alien attacks a cowboy or a cowboy shoots a space alien.

Drink at every Buddy, Rob, Nolan, Matt, Jack, Meg, Irene or Rex Ryan sighting.  

Drink every time someone in Wisconsin or Pittsburgh is shown drinking. Drink a double if they are drinking an Iron City or eating cheese while drinking.

Drink every time someone is shown devouring something utterly unhealthy. 

Drink if anyone is smoking during the Super Bowl broadcast. Drink a double if it's a cigar. 

Drink any time Joe Montana is on screen.

Drink and duck for cover if Bruce Dern is in a blimp above Dallas.