Roger Federer, Swiss Maestro, Young Father, Et Al: Please Stop The Synonyms!

I'm pretty sure Roger Federer beat Gilles Simon last night in the second round of the 2011 Australian Open.  But it was hard to tell after reading this recap from the Australian Open website.

In the span of nine paragraphs, Federer is referred to 13 times by something other than his given name.  The synonyms include record-breaking Grand Slam champion, young father, world No. 2, former world No. 1, the Swiss, Swiss maestro, and French-speaking.

Simon receives similar treatment.  Five times his real name gets bypassed in favor of young father, Frenchman, French-speaking, and slender Frenchman. 

These monikers make it almost impossible to follow the action.  Instead of figuring out who won the fourth set, I got stuck deciphering which French-speaking man had “spindly legs.”

Sports writing has developed a monopoly on clichés.  The list of synonyms used in place of athletes’ names is endless. 

We’ve got hoopsters and oarsmen and batsmen and hurlers and grinders and No. 1 draft picks and Baltimore natives and gridiron greats and gangly juniors and redheads and mothers-to-be and Duke graduates and hard-charging fullbacks and doubles specialists and switch-hitting rookies from Omaha. 

Whatever happened to using real names?  I’ve never read of the Honolulu-born president or former University of Chicago Law professor signing bills into law.  If Barack Obama can be Barack Obama or President Obama or just Obama, can’t Roder Federer be Roger Federer or just Federer, and not the French-speaking Swiss Maestro? 

When elementary school teachers write reports cards, do they refer to their kids as nose pickers and bright-eyed cherubs and budding academics?  Or do they just write Alice and Frank and Angela?

Southpaw may be the one exception here, as the synonym most commonly associated with a left-handed pitcher actually has an interesting backstory. 

Not so for former Redskins coach (there are plenty of these) and Rookie of the Year and Russian-born and prodigious teen.  Such synonyms are the bane of sports writing.  We should have stopped at Southpaw and left good enough alone.

I’m not sure about you, but when it comes to game/match reports I just want to know who won and the basic arc of the competition.

The synonym dreck that now floods reports makes reading tedious.  It’s like the writers are purposefully trying to make it impossible to figure out who won and how. 

Ironically, I spot synonyms more in paid columns than in places like Bleacher Report.  It’s like real sports fans don’t have time to conjure up silly nicknames for their favorite players.  They’ve got better things to talk about.

My questions of the day:

Do these sports name/synonyms bother you? 

Are they more prevalent in certain sports?

What are some of the worst ones you've read?