NFL Powerless Rankings: Sept. 3, 2008

After some low-to-mild success with my MLB Powerless Rankings, I felt it was only right to spread the nearly non-existent buzz to the wondrous NFL world we all know and love.

If you’ve never read any type of Power Rankings, then you’re either lying to yourself or you don’t know how to read. Since your reading this, we’ve just eliminated one half of those. Liar.

Any questions?


What are the Powerless Rankings?

The Powerless Rankings are a set of rankings that focus on the bottom five teams in the league at a given time (weekly). We pay so much attention to all the good teams—ranking them and verbally commending them—why should the bad teams be left out in the cold (besides that they’re horrible)?

Although it’s exciting at the beginning of the year because it tends to enflame fans of particular teams much more than during the midseason mark, the rankings will eventually feature a top-five as well.

So they’ll start out strictly powerless but end up getting pretty powerful. Don’t worry though; I’ve heard that they end up coexisting together quite nicely from the three people who’ve read the MLB version.


How do I know if the Powerless Rankings are for me?

If you’re easily enraged and/or lack the ability to admit that your hometown team may not be stacked at every position, I suggest you turn away. Just pretend this article was about hamsters or something. What are you reading this for? You don’t even like hamsters! Go away!

Other than that, I don’t think there’s anything else that needs explaining. The rankings start at 28th and move down to 32nd, in what is a warped, sorry excuse to try and build some suspense. The “winner” is basically the “loser.”

It’s really quite ironic.


Do you realize that you’re essentially asking yourself questions?

Yes, yes I do. But hey, being on house arrest in the interests of being a good father and being at home with my daughter (while the other half works the overnights) does have its benefits! I have so much time on my hands that not only can I ask myself questions, but I can also pound out random articles that randomly appear in my head.


Will you please shut up and get on with this already?

Yes. My fault...

NFL Powerless Rankings – Sept. 3 - Week 0


28. Miami Dolphins

Sure, the Dolphins' team as a whole has improved since last year’s one-win pathetic fest, but not that much. In fact, they no longer have Jason Taylor who (in addition to salsa dancing) was a pretty big part of their defense for last very long time.

Wait a second, aren’t Jason Taylor’s replacements Vonnie Holliday and Kendall Langford? Uh, yeah, that’s a bit of a downgrade, I would say.

Joey Porter is also reportedly overreacting to minor injuries as if they are career threatening in nature, which sounds suspiciously to me like someone isn’t too high on playing on a rebuilding team again this year.

As much as I’ll admit that the offensive unit has some rising young stars on it, the defense, at least for this year, isn’t going to be accomplishing too much outside of establishing a new identity.

Stock: Rising


29. San Francisco 49ers

As highly as you hold Mike Martz, you still have to know that even he can’t do the impossible. A lot of people are of the belief that he’s going to radically transform the offense into a well-oiled, Rams team of yore-esque, machine. Don’t get me wrong, the offense is going to get better. But they also don’t have anywhere else to go but up.

Barring J.T. O’Sullivan bursting upon the scene in something akin to the Brady/Romo, "What’s this guy’s name again?" mold, the 49ers will only go as far as Frank Gore and the defense can take them.

Stock: At rest


30. Baltimore Ravens

Many people questioned the Ravens' early decision to delay the start of the Joey Flacco era, mainly because of the other two options they were considering as starters (Kyle Boller and Troy Smith).

In what was a refreshing surprise, the Ravens eventually ended up naming Flacco the starter, which was something their fans had been demanding since he’d been drafted.

Although, to be fair, they probably only did so because of blatant, recorded evidence contrary to that of their original decision.

A smart move if I’ve ever seen one.

The primary staple of team, the defense, isn’t getting any younger, while the offense, which was usually the brunt of the team jokes, is on the rise. It’s a rebuilding year for sure, but at least the rebuilding appears to be going in a productive and sensible direction.

Stock: Dropping


31. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs shored up their team with some solid NFL Draft selections this past April. But unfortunately, they still have major questions at arguably the two most important parts of a football team: quarterback and the offensive line. As talented as Larry Johnson is, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to carry the offense all by himself.

Until they prove to the contrary (a contrary that is a safe bet not to be proven on Sunday), here the Chiefs will stay. Like the 49ers, if the Chiefs do manage to prove me otherwise, you can rest assured I will make fun of myself in the very next installation.

Stock: At rest


And the “winner” is…


32. Atlanta Falcons

Unlike the Ravens, the Falcons decided early on to throw rookie QB Matt Ryan into the starting fire this season. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that they had signed Ryan to a contract that was comparable to the gross income of a small country—but still, that’s neither here nor there.

At least they decided what they wanted and they decided it early.

The 2008 Falcons could very well become the staple comparison for a team that is going through a "rebuilding year."

All is not bad, at least on offense. Michael Turner could prove to be a solid starting RB, and Roddy White looks to be a top-tier WR. However, clutching at straws isn’t going to get the Falcons any wins, so expect them to make a comfortable living down here in the basement.

Stock: Comfortably at rest

Dishonorable mentions: Chicago Bears, St. Louis Rams, Oakland Raiders