The Top 10 NHL Players You Would Love to Punch In The Face

Have you ever walked down the street, seen a guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt and thought, "Man, I'd love to punch that guy in the face"? You don't know him, but the more you look at that t-shirt with its bedazzled dragons, the more that guy seems to deserve a punch.

Same with those who pop their collars.

Well, that's how I feel when watching hockey sometimes. I don't know these players, and they haven't done anything directly to me, but given the chance, I'd love to punch them in the face. Granted, I'd need a few people to hold them back, and it probably wouldn't hurt them (OK, it wouldn't hurt them), but it sure would be satisfying.

Don't get me wrong, I have genuine respect for most athletes, especially hockey players, but some are far more aggravating than others. So here's a list of the most punch-able, or whatever you want to call them. I'm sure many of you have a few choice-names for at least a couple of these guys.

10. Maxim Lapierre: Montreal Canadiens

Maxim, Le diver

To start with, I hate this guy’s name. Firstly, it’s way too close to “Laperriere” who is another guy that was close to making this list. Secondly, no you’re not hurt, that stick tapped your thigh, not your face. Thirdly, we saw you hit from behind/spear/cross-check/cheap shot the guy, quit acting like it’s such a surprise that you get called out for these things.

When Mike Green smoked Lappiere in the playoffs last year, but Lappiere was called for diving, Montreal fans were understandably angry. But that is what you call the “cry wolf” scenario: fake you’re hurt too many times and the refs will start to call you out on it. The fact that Lappiere is already getting called for these things relatively early in his NHL career proves that he’s graduated from the Mike Ribeiro school of diving. 

9. Sean Avery: New York Rangers

Sean Avery will never grow up.

Sorry to disappoint, but he’s old news. Only No.9 on the list? Someone warn him! He’s off his d-bag game. I personally suggest a gunshot wedding/divorce and the occasional crotch flash for the paparazzi. Actually, maybe not that last one. Ew.

Yes I remember the Brodeur incident. And the Elisha Cuthbert ‘sloppy seconds’ incident. And every other “Avery is running his mouth” incident. It’s such old news with this guy that he’s not even aggravating anymore; he’s more like a child whining for his bottle or complaining that the other kids took his favourite toy. His antics are now just...sad. Maybe it’s time he just starts to focus on modelling. Or not, he’s pretty repulsive.

Here's a video featuring a song that suits him well, "I Don't Wanna Grow Up."

8. Adam Burish: Dallas Stars

From where? The minors?

OK, you won the Cup. That’s pretty great. But really, AFTER you win, you focus on trash-talking Chris Pronger? Firstly, that’s weak. Secondly, Chris Pronger averages insane ice time and actually had an impact on the Flyers making it to the finals last year. I’m pretty sure the Blackhawks wouldn't have missed Burish’s pretty much non-existent presence.

Burish may have later “apologized” to Pronger, but he is no stranger to childish antics like that. Luckily for us, Pronger is much more media-savvy and provided us with a nice little sound bite for Burish. Not only did he shutdown Burish, he burned him. And I mean buuuuurned. When Chris Pronger of all people burns you, you best hold your head down in shame and never speak again.

7. Daniel Carcillo: Philadelphia Flyers

Yep, keep looking for blood, Danny.

DANIEL, SHUT UP ALREADY! Will this guy ever stop crying/diving/whining, and most importantly, will he ever shower? 

He is entering soccer territory with his dives. No wait. He’s full-on Ronaldo.

It’s one thing to shamelessly fake being high-sticked about 18 times a game, it’s another to incessantly whine about it for 10 minutes at a time to the ref. He also manages to do this while willing his face to miraculously spew out blood from its non-existent injury from the non-existent stick that never touched his body, let alone his face. It’s quite remarkable, actually.

Carcillo’s performance during the 2010 playoffs warranted an Oscar, not a Stanley Cup.

6. Mike Ribeiro: Dallas Stars

I've been shot!!!

Speaking of diving, Ribeiro does it so often that he has become the poster boy for it. Every time I watch Dallas play, I find myself screaming, “Would you GET UP?!?” There are few things worse in this physical game than to see a player so brutally faking injury. How could anyone possibly respect this guy anymore?

Apparently Ribeiro never got the memo that none of the players are allowed to bring shotguns onto the ice, so he should really quit acting like one shot him. 

5. Chris Pronger: Philadelphia Flyers

Not cool, Pronger. Not cool.

I'll give Pronger this; He has an eerie, and annoying, way of carrying the teams he plays for to the finals. He's a talented defenceman that logs insane minutes nearly every game, though I think his weaknesses are exposed when playing with a bunch of young guys (cough……the 2010 Olympics).

OK, that's enough compliments for him.

His often smug demeanor makes me want to slap that gap-toothed smile right off his face. Though he's good for a few quotes in the media, he's often just comes across as a jerk.

Besides that, when he's not busy actually playing his game, he's busy cross-checking, elbowing, spearing, hitting from behind, and stomping on Ryan Kesler. None of those are cool, even though it was Kesler, and Pronger is often a dangerous player. This lack of respect for his fellow players has earned him a few punches to the face.

4. Alexandre Burrows: Vancouver Canucks

Your locks are so luscious! Is that coconut I smell?

When Vancouver was re-naming "GM Place," a person on Twitter suggested "The Alexandre Burrows centre for kids who can’t dive good and want to learn to do other things good too." I genuinely “laughed out loud” for a solid 2 minutes at this. How fitting. Couldn't you picture him being seriously confused by a building model and wondering out loud if it’s a centre for ants? That’s a Zoolander reference for all those confused. PS: why haven’t you watched Zoolander?

Other than the insanely annoying and blatant Ronaldo-esque dives he pulls every five seconds, he’s also known for pulling something else. Yes, hair. HAIR! What hockey player pulls hair?!? OK, so he only did it once, but there’s no way he’s living it down. I won’t let that happen.

3. Jarkko Ruutu: Ottawa Senators

Ruutu took fighting lessons from Burrows

My top most punch-able players have a lot to do with dangerous plays. While I don’t respect diving, whining, etc, it’s worse to be a dangerous player. Ruutu falls under this category.

I cringe when I see him hit someone from behind. I cringe even more when he complains about the targets he places on his back.

I had TSN on in the background one day when I overheard that Chris Simon pretty much ejected himself from the NHL for stomping on someone. Immediately I said, "Woah, Chris Simon, way uncool." After listening more closely, I heard "...on Jarkko Ruutu." I then said, squinting my eyes, lowering my voice, and portraying a confused look on my face, "Oh it was on Ruutu. I guess it’s still uncool," not really believing what I was saying but trying to avoid sounding like a jerk.

It really would take a lot for me to feel sorry for Jarkko Ruutu.

2. Jordin Tootoo: Nashville Predators

Hey, only I can do that!

Behold, the king of hitting from behind. I have zero respect for this guy and continuously question why he’s in the NHL. When it comes down to respect, he clearly has none for his fellow NHLers. I believe that nearly every player on this list offers at least something to their team, I just don’t see it with this guy though. 

As Tootoo has probably already discovered, few of his fellow NHLers have respect for him as well. As the video shows, it's really just Tootoo getting a taste of his own medicine. It probably tastes like crap. 

1. Matt Cooke: Pittsburgh Penguins

Matt Cooke, meet KO.

Move over Avery, this guy is officially the most hated in the NHL. Well, in my eyes. And Marc Savard’s.

Like I said earlier, the top three is reserved for inherently dangerous players. I have nothing wrong with fights, big hits, mouthing each other off, etc. After all, it is hockey. However, the career-ending tactics of some players is unreal, and Cooke is a great example of that. He’ll deny it to the end, but everyone could see his intentions with that Savard hit from Pluto.

Fortunately for us, Evander Kane took care of solidly punching Matt Cooke in the face, something I most aspire to do in life. Seriously, it’s no. 1 on my list. Unfortunately for us, it hasn't happened 700 times yet. Evander Kane owes me that.