Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

In today’s world of professional sports the words “Pro-Athlete” and “Bond of Marriage” are as compatible as the words “Carolina Panthers” and “Super Bowl Champs.”

So as a service to all those wannabe, jock-attached-brides, please take note of the following wedding vow translations.  They may help prepare you for the life that awaits, should you decide to take the nuptial plunge.

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow:

“I, groom …”

Translated Wedding Vow: 

“I, fifthly rich athlete”…

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow: 

“…take you, my bride…”

Translated Wedding Vow:

“…take you, my delusional,

smoking hot babe, who

believes she has just won

the relationship lottery…”

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow: 

“… to be my wife…”

Translated Wedding Vow:

“… to be my visual arm prop, who will increase my wholesome image, and thus open up a number of new, potential endorsement deals with company’s that would normally not want to come within a million miles of my current persona…”

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow: 

“… for better or for worse…”

Translated Wedding Vow:

“… despite this marital agreement, I

have the right to text all images of my

personal areas to any living creature

on this planet…”

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow:

“… for richer or poorer…”

Translated Wedding Vow:

“… prenup, prenup, prenup, prenup, prenup...”

Athlete Wedding Ahead: Proceed With Extreme Caution!

Traditional Wedding Vow: 

“… until death do us part…”

Translated Wedding Vow:

“… even though I am putting this

wedding band on my finger, I would,

in a nanosecond, exchange it for

a championship ring…”