The NFL Worst Teams: The Sad Sack Seven Train Wreck Edition

Some terrible teams just plod aimlessly along, boring and Bengal Brown bad, sad season after sad season, but other teams crash and burn like a runaway train skipping the tracks.

It's hard to eclipse the daily drama in Dallas, but the design of the Vikings is as flawed as a two legged goat.

Then there's the debacle that is Denver, which is drowned by bigger markets, and the sinking feeling in San Francisco that no one really has any idea what is going on.

The Carolina Panthers have collapsed for the season, as has most of Ohio, but what of Buffalo? Are the Bills showing signs of, dare one whisper it, life?

The mid point is full of shocking developments.

Randy Moss isn't a team first kind of lovable man?

Did Donovan McNabb devour too much Chunky Soap and not enough chunks of playbook?

Has Brett Favre gone bat crap crazy?

The crashing and burning of so many seasons is enough to make Lovie Smith swing into South Bend to watch a bigger mess than the Chicago Bears' offense.  

1] Dallas Cowboys [1-6]

These collapsing Cowboys might go down as one of the most over paid, over hyped teams in the history of professional football.

The goofy injured star quarterback looks like he's very happy hiding on the sidelines, the highly paid defense can not tackle or cover, and the confused coach looks like an aging duck that some mean hearted hunter just cracked on the head with a heavy oar. 

Jerry Jones must be very proud of his Dallas design.  

Every game should start with a sing along of the old F Troop song and maybe Wade can borrow his Poppa's old ten galleon hat, turn it sideways, smile and pin a star on it.

2] Minnesota Vikings [2-5]

The last good true wreck film was Eddie Bunker's Runaway Train with Angelina Jolie's old, odd Daddy Jon starring in it.

Now the 2010 Vikings roll out of the station with a narcissistic, perverted grandpa quarterback, a coach who lost control, a nasty, spiteful star wide out sent packing, a rodeo cowboy defensive end who has lost a step, a pair of over sized aging defensive tackles happy to beat drug charges, and a star running back with slippery hands and a suspect offensive line. 

Who ever directs the purple sequel is going to need a whole new cast of crazy characters and maybe a new city too.

3] Buffalo Bills [0-7]

There's life in Buffalo; there's just not much defense.

But expect the Bills to spring a win in frosty Toronto this week against lusterless Lovie Smith's bad Bears.

The Bears have an offensive line that makes any defense look like The Steel Curtain of yore. 

And maybe if the Bills shine, Toronto will keep them.

4] Carolina Panthers [1-6]

Carolina is in coast mode but is still, despite averaging a pathetic 12 points a game, charging fans full price.

If the team is going to give half an effort, fans should get half price tickets and free hot dogs and nickel beer on game day.

Fair is fair, right?

The price should reflect the product.

5] The State of Ohio [4-10]

The state of Ohio stumbles sadly along.

The Bengals and Browns are as boringly bad as one gets in this league.

Maybe Mike Holmgren brings a flicker of hope to the Browns, but the Bengals might as well post a sign that says Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here at every gate. 

Still, maybe the Bengals will bring in Randy Moss and Lindsay Lohan to liven up their receiver corps this week. 

Batman and Robin need dual super villains to duel right?

6] Denver Broncos [2-6]

Josh McDaniels has certainly mastered the dark art of the mid season total mountain side collapse.

McDaniels buries the Broncos like an early season avalanche. 

But at least the Broncos made San Francisco 49er head motivational speaker Mike Singletary a happy man, as its rumored he woke up like the werewolf in American Werewolf in London...pant-less, bewildered, but strangely exalted in a cage at the London Zoo.   

7] Washington Redskins [4-4]

It's never good for a quarterback's confidence when the head coach publicly points out that he considers his signal caller's team leadership ability and physical fitness much like Dean Wormer considered Flounder's future in Animal House. 

Terrible Payback for the week

Buffalo Bills vs Chicago Bears

After all these years, Canada finally gets some War of 1812 payback.

Terrible Fan Relations of the Week

The looming NFL lockout has launched a guerrilla war to win the hearts and minds of millions of fans worldwide, excited to see billionaires battle millionaires for billions.

When reports emerge of Randy Moss viciously abusing Mom and Pop caters, along with Dallas Cowboys laughing, running up $70,000 meal tabs, Albert Haynesworth wailing weekly, and players scoffing at $50,000 fines being nothing, Roger Goodell does not have to be Nicolas Machiavelli to manipulate public opinion against the players. 

Terrible Comeback of the Week

One hates to be the bearer of ill news, but beware, unwary fans. Joe Theismann makes his babbling booth return next week.

Buy ear plugs, makes sure mute works on the remote, make other plans, move to another channel just remember Forewarned, Forearmed.

Terrible but True News of the Week

Troy Palamalu made a perfect, and true, tackle when describing Commissioner Goddell and his Control Room boys coup of the game.

Now will the Dictator call for the safety's scalp?

Terrible News is Good News of the Week

Tinucci's Caterers was blasted by the obnoxious, spoiled celebrity creature that Randy Moss has morphed into.

Still any publicity is good publicity in Tinucci realm, so maybe rancid Randy will be a windfall after all for the caterers.