Dear Kiffin, Haden, Carroll, Goodell, Reggie, and the NCAA...

Dear Coach Kiffin,

Boy are you a debbie downer. You finally get your dream job, coaching one of college football’s premier programs, and all you’ve done is sulk and pout. Like somebody died. Hey, I know the sanctions suck but lighten up for pete’s sake (sorry, I couldn’t resist). You’re taking all of the fun out the game so it’s no wonder your team is playing like Ohio State in a national championship game: flashes of greatness but a deficit of consistency.  

You’ve banned everyone from practice, including the athletic director’s wife. Even if the sidelines needed a little housekeeping, they don’t need to be empty for pete’s sake (oops, sorry again). It looks weird. Where’s the glitterati? The former players?

Reality check: if you think all that star power at practice and on the sidelines doesn’t influence an 18-year-old recruit you’re even more delusional than your old boss, Al Davis. You’ve axed the traditional pregame huddle at midfield. You criticize your team every chance you get. What’s next? Banning the Spirit of Troy marching band and the Song Girls? 

Did you not know that you were becoming head football coach of the University of Swagger and Celebrity? 

Athletic performance is as much, if not more, mental than it is physical. If you keep hammering your players and talking with that sour puss on your face you’re going to lose your team, games, your fans and, ultimately, your job. 

Dear Mr. Haden,

Congratulations on the new gig!  

I hear you’re a smart guy, a Rhodes scholar. Wow. That’s impressive. So I’m going to assume you’ve already told your head football coach to stop acting like Bill Belichick in a sun visor. It only reminds us how much we miss Pete.  

But why the paranoia over the football program? I know you don’t want to irritate the NCAA while the sanctions are under appeal (good luck with that). But hiring the former head of the FBI to monitor compliance? Don’t you think that’s overkill? Shouldn’t he be doing something more useful, like tracking Osama bin Laden?  

Frankly, I’m tired of watching my alma mater getting hammered. By everyone. Why are you letting them get away with it? Where’s the campaign to repair our image? Sure, you’ve done a couple of interviews but considering what we’re up against it’s not nearly enough.

Roll out the NFL alumni. Remind everyone that John Wayne, Jerry Buss, Neil Armstrong, the creator of the frisbee and hula hoop and the founders of Kinko’s, Costco, California Pizza Kitchen, MySpace, Qualcomm, Vizio, Intuit, Quiksilver, and Oakley sunglasses are Trojans. So are the owners of the Kings, Lakers, Dodgers, and the Texas Rangers.  

And while you’re at it, make football fun again. Bring the celebrities back to the sidelines. Put on a rock concert during halftime. Embrace our L.A. culture. Prove that we can be the University of Swagger and Compliance.        

Dear Coach Carroll,

Please come back. Please, please, please, please. Pretty please. With a cherry and sprinkles on top. I’m begging you. I know the sanctions aren’t your fault. How in the world were you supposed to know who was paying Reggie’s parents’ mortgage? Ridiculous. 

I know the new AD seems a little compliance-happy but maybe you and Will Ferrell can work out a skit or something to loosen him up. Really, we need you. Bad.   

Dear NCAA Infractions Committee,

Can you please explain how an athletic department can lose control of a football program when only one player accepted improper benefits? Doesn’t loss of control look more like North Carolina, which has about a dozen players implicated in a cheating scandal? Or Florida, where almost 30 players have been arrested in six years? 

And why do you continue to punish players who did nothing wrong? Why don’t you go after the athletic directors, coaches and, in cooperation with the NFL, the players who actually committed the infraction(s) in the first place? If you’re an institution of higher learning shouldn’t you start acting like it? 

Dear Roger Goodell, 

Why haven’t you punished Reggie Bush under the league’s Personal Conduct Policy? While he was playing in your No Fun League he repeatedly lied and failed to cooperate with an NCAA investigation into his family’s acceptance of hundreds of thousands of dollars of improper gifts, including a house. A house!

His failure to take responsibility for his conduct resulted in innocent kids being punished for possibly their entire collegiate careers. What kind of personal conduct is that? 

Dear Reggie,

Are you kidding me? A house?! You didn’t think a convicted felon was going to spill the beans on you? I don’t know what you knew when, or what you arranged personally or whether people close to you were freelancing.

But at some point you knew a line had been crossed and to this day you have not accepted an iota of responsibility for it, nor have you apologized for your actions. Sorry, but giving back the Heisman in order to pre-empt it being taken away from you does not cut it. 

With the permission of the NCAA, you should fly to Los Angeles and apologize in person to the players at USC, who are (insanely) being punished for what you (and your parents) did. You should also try doing something constructive, like meeting with high school and college athletes (and your parents) to talk to them about the importance of integrity and playing by the rules.

And of course you should meet with the NCAA and offer suggestions for how the rules governing gifts, agents, spending money and the like can be reformed and better monitored. No one expects them to listen, but you should do it anyway.  

Fight On!

Kelly