The Terrible Ten of College Football: Week 4

Last week an independent review of the Orange, Fiesta, and Sugar Bowls found excessive greed, graft, and plunder.

The bowls—tax-exempt charity events, legend says—might have violated their tax-exempt status by paying excessive salaries to executives, providing interest-free loans and illegal perks, and paying political lobbyists undisclosed fees for undisclosed services.

The bowls also gave six-figure bumps to their CEOs and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on gifts and retreats.

Most fans were as shocked as Captain Renault was when he discovered gambling in Casablanca. Still, in an effort to at least be upfront about their greed, they should rename their bowls the Greed Bowl or the Gordon Gekko Greed is Good Bowl.

The bowl CEOs should wear fat-cat fezzes like Senor Ferrari as they pontificate on all the wonders and good deeds they do for charity.

CEO of the Sugar Bowl and a fat expense account? Good work if ya can get it.

As Don King says, only in America.

1] Western Kentucky Hilltoppers [0-24]

Big Red, the Hilltoppers' slowly going mad mascot, was spotted staggering along the sidelines mumbling, "Redrum, redrum" while sharpening his sling blade.

For the sake of the big red blob's sanity, Western Kentucky needs a win.

2] Notre Dame Fighting Irish [1-3]

Rumor is Joe Montana ran into "Rudy" Ruettiger and gave him a swirly while snarling, "Dan Devine says hello."

Look out Lou Holtz, because it whispered the old coach is next on the Montana Laying Low the Leprechaun Legends of Old fall tour.

Hey, maybe he can take out the Eagles next.

At least after Boston College thumps the Irish, Dave Wannstedt and Pitt, always ready for a lay down, await Machine Gun Kelly's men.

Pitt vs. Notre Dame could decide the Terrible Ten Title early this year.

3] Pitt Panthers [1-3]

Vince Lombardi once said football is about blocking and tackling; everything else is a myth.

Well, Pitt can neither block nor tackle, so Vince would wince watching them.

It's amazing a school that produced Bill Fralic, Mark May, Russ Grimm, Jimbo Covert, and blockers of that ilk have such a horrid mess of an offensive line.

Dave Wannstedt looks like he is about to start quoting Lloyd Bridges in Airplane! and just walk the sad sidelines saying, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."

4] State of New Mexico  [0-7]

Maybe someone in the Billy the Kid state has to come up with a new pastime.

The New Mexico Lobos are down 225 to 41 for the season. The New Mexico State Aggies, with a much stouter pass defense, are only down 125 to 47.

At least Brian Urlacher is undefeated.

Aggies vs. Lobos in the Billy the Kid Bowl on October 9th—get your tickets now.

5] The Big East [1-11 vs. BCS schools]

Old Baldy, General Meade's thrice-wounded, valiant, stuffed Civil War steed, has been returned to his rightful Philadelphia home.

No word yet if the dead stallion accepts his invite into the Big East to give the league a shot of life.

The Temple Owls, exiled from the Big East, might have won it this year and given the Big East a boost with the City of Brotherly Love. 

Though college football finds little love in Ben Franklin's old haunt anyway.

It's the land of Eagles, Flyers, and Phillies, not of Nova and Owls.  

6] Minnesota Golden Gophers [1-3]

Lucky for the Gophers, all everyone in the stands can say is Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre.

7] Florida International Golden Panthers [0-3]

It's a season to be golden, as Gophers, Panthers, Bears, and Domers all seem to be goners.

Football fans across the country are being crucified on a cross of gold.

8] BYU Cougars [1-3]

Maybe it was bad mojo after all to have Jim McMahon carry that Cougar flag onto the field after a 30-year exile for debauchery.

Is McMahon's Revenge a new Cougar curse?

9] The State of Washington [2-5]

It could be worse—winless Tyrone Willingham could still be lingering about the state losing games somewhere.

The Montana State Bobcats just missed making Washington State an 0-4 team. 

The West is wild this year, pardner.

10] Texas Longhorns [3-1]

The last time Tinseltown treated Texas so badly, they had Rock Hudson, Jimmy Dean, Dennis Hopper, and Sal Mineo playing rough and tough Texas oil barons and their ilk in Giant.

If they had that cast today, Hollywood could make a Brokeback Alamo with Hopper as a drug-addled Santa Anna.

Brokeback Bowie saying, " I can't quit you Crockett," as El Degüello provides background dance music might make it a hit...outside Texas anyway. 

Nebraska fans can't wait to roll out of the Big 12 with a Longhorn roast.

Can the Husker band play El Degüello?