NFL Power Rankings Week 2: Comparing NFL Teams To Rock Bands
NFL season is upon us like a driving bass beat.
With Week 1 of the NFL in the books, time for Week 2 Power Rankings here at Bleacher Report and this week, each team will be compared to famous (or famously bad) rock bands.
The comparison between the two is more than valid.
If man could have only two things of beauty in his life, competition and music would be at the top of just about everyone's list, and in today's world, the NFL and rock music are the ultimate realization of those two concepts.
Yet, if man could pick just one more thing to include in his life, it would probably be the ability to argue with his friends about who's likes and dislikes are better, and who have the most valid personal tastes.
Whether it is "why my team is better than yours," or "why my favorite band is better than your favorite band" people love to argue over the smallest details of rather subjective nonsense.
Let's bring those two worlds together.
One ground rule: this list is an NFL power ranking...not a rock band power ranking.
Before anyone gets up-in-arms about "this band being too low," or "this band being too high," remember that the list of bands is more of a rough scatterplot of less talented to more talented based on overall popularity.
However, feel free to tell everyone why your favorite team should be higher, or why it fits better with a band that better suits your personal and greatly refined music tastes.
Without further ado...
32) St. Louis Rams—Spinal Tap
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Yeah, tonight I'm gonna rock ya (Tonight I'm gonna rock ya)...Tonight! Whoa yeah!—Spinal Tap
Week 1 Result: Lost 17-13 to the Arizona Cardinals
The one adjective that adequately describes both the band Spinal Tap and the football team St. Louis Rams is: 'semifictitious' or not-quite-real.
Spinal Tap was the creation of Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer as the subject of a mockumentary that involved exploding drummers and miniature runes. The movie is required viewing for anyone with a sense of humor, but many people just don't get it.
Although the personae are fake and the hair is certainly not natural, the band has released three albums to a good deal of acclaim and have sold out tours in both Europe and the United States in four different decades.
The St Louis Rams are almost a football team. The offensive line is better than advertised. The defense has a chance to grow together and improve dramatically. The quarterback is a much-heralded rookie, and Stephen Jackson is as talented as they come.
However, when it's all put-together onlookers are still left wondering if it it just a big joke.
31) Buffalo Bills—Starship
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"Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio. Don't you remember? We built this city...we built this city on rock and roll!"—Starship
Week 1 Result: Lost 15-10 to the Miami Dolphins
Once upon a time, a very average band named Jefferson Airplane was able to bilk a lot of people out of a lot of their money. Airplane was never a bad band, it was just never as good as it was advertised.
Then, things changed.
Jefferson Airplane transformed into Jefferson Starship which later called itself just Starship. What was meant to be improvements, turned a very average band into a pile of excrement that released one of the worst songs of all time—to the detriment of eardrums and sanity ever.
Ladies and gentlemen...the Buffalo Bills.
Once a very average football team; thanks to a vacuum of power in the then-lowly AFC, the Buffalo Bills were able to head to far too many Super Bowls than their talent level truly merited.
Over the years, "improvements" have been made—Jim Kelly became Todd Collins who became Doug Flutie who became Rob Johnson who became Drew Bledsoe...all the way down to Trent Edwards.
Blech!
30) Cleveland Browns—Parliament Funkadelic
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"We're gonna turn this mother out
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round"—George Clinton
Week 1 Result: Lost 17-14 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Parliament Funkadelic is actually two bands—both founded by George Clinton (the Prime Minister of Funk)—Parliament and Funkadelic. Two different time frames, two entirely different sounds, both valued by completely different fanbases.
Now, when George Clinton tours, he uses the combined name to draw as many listeners as possible.
In Cleveland, two different teams exist—Mangini's team and the team Holmgren is trying to build. The two have different styles, philosophies, and backgrounds and the lack of cohesiveness on the team shows.
Already, the fissure widened when Brett Ratliff (Team Mangini) and Colt McCoy (Team Holmgren) fought for the last QB slot.
It's like a sad sad Twilight fanclub.
This team doesn't have the funk.
This team is, and will be for a while, in a funk.
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29) Detroit Lions—Journey
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"Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit, he took the midnight training going anywhere...Don't stop believing."—Journey
Week 1 Result: Lost 19-14 to the Chicago Bears
Much like a certain Calvin Johnson touchdown, South Detroit doesn't actually exist. If one were to puthis or her finger on a map of Michigan and move south from Detroit, that digit would hit Windsor, Ontario.
In spite of that, the words of Steve Perry have become an anthem for the many fans of Detroit sports teams who need encouragement among their teams' seemingly constant woes.
Journey was a good band, but can hardly be considered an iconic one.
And after Perry left the band, the group sought to find any identity—eventually turning to Filipino cover-band singer Arnel Pineda because of his stark vocal similarities to Perry.
In a similar way, the Detroit Lions were never great, but consistently average while Barry Sanders wore Honolulu Blue and Silver. Since he prematurely retired, the team has undergone a search for some sort of success.
Now, hope is being found in a smaller, shifty runner who reminds fans of Sanders—Jahvid Best.
28) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Crash Test Dummies
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"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"—Crash Test Dummies
Week 1 Result: Won 17-14 against the Cleveland Browns
Does anyone actually believe that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fully know what they're doing?
Michael Clayton, Derrick Ward, Jeff Jagodzinski...the front office has taken credit for admitting recent mistakes but the fact the missteps were taken doesn't seem to have bothered anyone at One Bucs Plaza.
The Buccaneers are a talent-starved team that are stocked at only one position—defensive tackle—and even there they lack depth and polish...so much so that they sent feelers northward about the availability of Albert Haynesworth.
In Week 1, Josh Freeman and Cadillac Williams were both average and Michael "I'm not the Super Size Me Guy" Spurlock was the leading receiver.
No identity, no superstars, no voice.
But still, they won in their first game. Sure, it was against the similarly dysfunctional Cleveland Browns, but a win is a win is a win.
That is more than half the teams in the league can say.
27) Denver Broncos—The Grateful Dead
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"A friend of the Devil is a friend of mine."—The Grateful Dead
Week 1 Result: Lost 24-17 to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Let's recap.
Jay Cutler, gone.
Brandon Marshall, gone.
Tony Scheffler, gone.
2010 first-round draft pick, used to trade up in 2009 to select Alphonso Smith, who is now gone—traded to the Lions for a pass catching tight end in Dan Gronkowski (who wouldn't have made the roster anyway.)
Clearly, much like the Grateful Dead, most of the actions and decision of the Denver Broncos' staff aren't always the most clear headed or rationally thought out.
Sadly, Coach McDaniels is so young (read: inexperienced) that he likely doesn't even know what a "Deadhead" is.
Actually, "Deadhead" describes the personnel and coaching decisions pretty well...
26) Arizona Cardinals—The Clash
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"The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in. Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin."—The Clash
Week 1 Result: Won 17-13 against the St. Louis Rams
The Clash toiled for years in obscurity.
While their talent level would one day be proven to be near (arguably better than) that of the Ramones and Sex Pistols, The Clash consistently opened for those bands and were always considered second rate on the London music scene.
Then, with the meteoric rise of London Calling, the album went mainstream and became a huge hit on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean.
Just as quickly as they rose, they soon fell when Topper Headon and Terry Chimes left the group.
With Karlos Dansby and Kurt Warner (among many others) gone, the Arizona Cardinals will not be able to keep up their recent successes.
Once an afterthought in the football world, this year will be the deciding factor whether or not they are a changing team or simply declining.
25) Jacksonville Jaguars—Bruce Springsteen and The E-Street Band
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"Cause tramps like us...baby, we were born to run."—Bruce Springsteen
Week 1 Result: Won 24-17 against the Denver Broncos
No one cares who else is on the Jacksonville Jaguars—fans or opposing coordinators. Maurice Jones-Drew is the story here on offense, and without him running out the clock that defense would be that much more atrocious.
Sure there's plenty of talent.
It's just that no one seems to care.
A win against the lowly Denver Broncos isn't going to change that...yet.
24) Oakland Raiders—Aerosmith
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Strange groups with eerily creepy frontmen...
23) Kansas City Chiefs—Creed
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"When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others, we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice"—Creed
Week 1 Result: won 21-14 over the San Diego Chargers
Can anyone explain what in the hell that song by Creed means?
Honestly.
If that person comes forward, perhaps he or she could also inform the rest of us what in the world the Kansas City Chiefs are doing.
Pinning the hopes of the franchise on unproven Matt Cassel while refusing to put a decent offensive line in-front of him and giving him a quarterback 'tutor' whose last two pupils were Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen—it just seems...what is the word?
Lame.
Now, the Chiefs get points for pulling out a win on Monday night, but a team that appears so void of cohesive talent at every position besides punt returner can't be vaulted too far up the list.
Still, it was nice to see excitement in Arrowhead Stadium again.
22) San Francisco 49ers—Rush
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"Though his mind is not for rent, don't put him down as arrogant. His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day's events."—Rush
Week 1 Results: Lost 31-6 to the Seattle Seahawks
No team has been more enigmatic as of late than the San Francisco 49ers, and Mike Singletary certainly hasn't helped—the many actually dropped his pants in the locker room to make a point.
And he isn't even a Mexican reporter in New York!
Leave it to Singletary (or Neil Peart) to say some of the most bat-crazy things most of us will ever hear.
On the field, the 49ers aren't much easier to figure out. The team wins games they're supposed to lose and get blown out in games (like week one) they're supposed to win. They're built to run and go pass crazy with a fading former first-round pick.
21) Seattle Seahawks—Green Day
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"Sanitation, expiration date, question everything, or shut up and be a victim of authority...warning, live without warning."—Green Day
Week 1 Result: Won 31-6 against the San Francisco 49ers
Those who listened to Green Day in the 90s can barely recognize the members of the band today.
Helpful hint: no one (mentally healthy) makes the decision at 30-years-old to start wearing eyeliner. It doesn't happen.
The Billie Joe Armstrong who released Dookie in 1994 would kick the crap out of the Billie Joe Armstrong who released American Idiot. Green Day still has a huge fan base because the music is decent and speaks to both teen angst and youthful rebellion.
Angst, rebellion (and possibly a fondness for recreational drug use) seems to be a theme in the new Seahawks regime where everything is sacrificed for Carroll's ongoing desire to be the NFL's "coolest" coach.
Whereas Carroll once used USC's popularity to get his players jobs, cars, money, and just about anything they wanted...he's now gotten a player out of a breaking and entering/theft charge (and then played it off as a publicity stunt).
The Seahawks team that went to the Super Bowl was a hardworking, overachieving team that valued character and (most importantly) was built around dominant trench warfare. This team doesn't have nearly as formidable a foundation.
20) Chicago Bears—Earth, Wind & Fire
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"You're a shining star, no matter who you are, shining bright to see what you can truly be..."—Earth, Wind, and Fire
Week 1 Result: Win 19-14 against the Detroit Lions
Earth, Wind & Fire was a Chicago-based R&B/pop band that was described by Rolling Stone as "Innovative, precise but sensual, calculated yet galvanizing."
The Chicago Bears are anything by sensual—have you SEEN the Super Bowl shuffle?
Other than that, however, the rest of those modifiers are things the new-look Chicago Bears are aiming for. The offensive of Mike Martz and the defense of Lovie Smith are both precise and sensual, and teams that have mastered them have solidified their pace in history.
Can the Bears get there?
Not until they, unlike Earth, Wind & Fire, stop changing cast members every year or so—especially on that dreadful offensive line.
19) Carolina Panthers—Steely Dan
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"You wouldn't know a diamond if you held it in your hand, the things you think are precious, I can't understand."—Steely Dan
Week 1 Result: Lost 31-18 to the New York Giants
Really, the lyrics above and the Panthers' recent drafting says it all—the Panthers seem to have an odd way of doing things that can pan out, but has everyone scratching their heads. Drafting two quarterbacks (three if you count Armanti Edwards) in 2010 and then cutting one, has to top that list.
The comparison goes further. The Panthers—like Steely Dan—peaked a long time ago and people have always oddly liked them without ever understanding them.
Also, Steely Dan wasn't a group project, it was a duo, just two guys.
DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart might need help in Charlotte, but they're not getting it. So far, whatever this team is accomplishing, it looks like this dynamic duo will have to do it by themselves.
18) Tennessee Titans—Stone Temple Pilots
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"Promises of what I seemed to be, only watched the time go by."—Stone Temple Pilots
Week 1 Result: Won 38-13 against the Oakland Raiders
The Tennessee Titans, like STP, have periodic spurts of greatness, a few clunkers, but overall just very solid.
Jeff Fisher's team rarely win the division but are usually in the race. They are always solid and are always a similar team no matter what year the calendar says it is.
Meanwhile, STP is very few people's favorite band, but no one hates the group either. Many can't name their songs, but start singing along once they're on the radio.
The franchise needs to heed the words of Interstate Love Song though. For all of Chris Johnson's potential, he runs the risk of going down same road as the rest of Tennessee's all-stars—great individual effort but nothing to really show for it.
17) Philadelphia Eagles—The Eagles
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"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."—The Eagles
Week 1 Result: Lost 27-20 to the Green Bay Packers
Really, did you expect something different?
16) Washington Redskins—Pearl Jam
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"I know someday you'll have a better life, I know you'll be a sun."—Pearl Jam
Week 1 Result: Won 13-7 over the Dallas Cowboys
Who loves Pearl Jam?
Honestly, truly loves them—couldn't get through a day without them playing at least one mix tape of their favorite Pearl Jams—does that person exist?
They should be punched in the throat.
The third worst decision in recent history was signing Albert Haynesworth to a massive free agent contract.
Nos 1 and 2 on that list are entitled "Last Kiss" and "Better Man."
15) Atlanta Falcons—Metallica
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"And the road becomes my bride, I have stripped of all but pride."—Metallica
Week 1 Result: Lost 15-9 against the Pittsburgh Steelers
The Atlanta Falcons, much like the metal band Metallica, don't do much of anything flashy.
Bread and butter plays, like go-to chords, just work...so why go away from them?
"Four yards and a cloud of dust" is a far cry from the run-and-shoot offense or the spread that appears to be taking over the NFL, but it wins games.
No glitz, no glamor, just production.
14) San Diego Chargers—Weezer
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"I'm a trouble maker, never been a faker, doing things my own way, never giving up."—Weezer
Week 1 Result: Lost 21-14 to the Kansas City Chiefs
Trying to understand the San Diego Chargers is fruitless. AJ Smith, Norv Turner and that entire franchise does things their way and doesn't care about what others think.
Don Coryell (RIP) wasn't exactly out to make friends when he sent Dan Foutes and Charlie Joiner out to beat the hell out of the league.
Even the players do things their own special way.
Some thought that Philip Rivers could never be a QB in the NFL because of his throwing motion—some even said he would play tight end. The running back, Darren Sproles, was too small to ever make it in the big leagues. The tight end, Antonio Gates, didn't even play college football!
In the same way, Rivers Cuomo and the rest of the band don't care what anyone else thinks. They play their music, sell their records, and outlast the critics.
13) New York Giants—Cream
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"I can walk down the street, there's no one there, though the pavements are one huge crowd."—Cream
Week 1 Result: Won 31-18 over the Carolina Panthers
Cream was the world's first musical supergroup.
The New York Giants, took down what was considered to be a supergroup in the New England Patriots, with a defensive super group of their own. Guys like Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Matthias Kiwanuka combined to put Tom Brady in a white room with a black eye.
But, Cream's success didn't last forever, and neither has the Giants.
However, Cream reunited and (eventually) had another chance, and so can the Giants.
And while both the Giants and Cream were super groups, the front man had a major say in the success of the whole. Without Clapton, Cream wouldn't have been anything. Same can be said with Eli Manning...if he goes down, it doesn't matter how good the rest of the team is.
12) Miami Dolphins—Bob Marley & The Wailers
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"My feet is my only carriage, So I've got to push on through. But, while I'm gone, Everything's going to be alright."—Bob Marley
Week 1 Result: Won 15-10 over the Buffalo Bills
The Wailers were a group that existed long before Bob Marley was promoted to front man, and even after he was given name recognition, he didn't become any more important.
The Wailers, like any reggae group, existed around the theory of moving and interchangeable parts. Get to a city and your guitarist gets sick? Hire one and teach him some chords (or just sing a capella). One of the vocalists can't make the trip? Come up with a new harmony.
The Miami Dolphins are a similar animal—built around similar pieces and interchangeable parts. Think anyone is worried if Ronnie Brown goes down? Ricky Williams can do just fine. Out a wide receiver? Plenty of above average talent behind him.
However, without a single irreplaceable person on the team, it also means there is still a lack of true elite talent at many places on that roster.
11) Pittsburgh Steelers—The Police
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"This girl's an open page, bookmarking she's so close now, this girl's half his age."—The Police
Yes, that's a blatant shot at Big Ben.
Moving on.
Week 1 Result: Won 15-9 over the Atlanta Falcons
The Police were a great group, while they had a front man. From 1984-2006, it didn't matter how good the rest of the group was, they couldn't win without a No. 1.
Same with the Steelers, who from 1979-2005, simply couldn't win the big one—no matter how talented they were, they didn't have a front man.
10) Cincinnati Bengals—Rolling Stones
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"Oh, a storm is threatening my very life today. If I don't get some shelter, Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away."—The Rolling Stones
Week 1 Result: Lost 38-24 against the New England Patriots
Whether a person likes the Rolling Stones or can't stand them, it is a shame if someone doesn't realize their place in history.
If one word describes the Stones, it has to be entertaining—not necessarily that everyone loved their music, but even if a person didn't it was hard to look away from the gyrating and the antics.
If an NFL fan can't stand the Bengals, they still have to watch to see what T.O. Ochocinco, Adam "Pacman" Jones, and the rest of the crew might do next.
9) Houston Texans—The Doors
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"The time to hesitate is through, no time to wallow in the mire."—The Doors
Week 1 Result: Won 34-24 over the Indianapolis Colts
The Doors were always good, but they were never the best. Groups like the Rolling Stones and the Beatles dominated the time period while Jim Morrison was still alive.
No matter how good the Texans have been, they haven't been able to beat the Indianapolis Colts.
Until now?
8) Dallas Cowboys—Queen
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"Set the alarm, turn on my charm, that's because I'm a good old fashioned loverboy."
Week 1 Result: Lost 13-7 to the Washington Redskins
"Queen" jokes, aside, the Cowboys have always been all about big shows, big glitz, big glamor. Jerry Jones has always been content to get headlines instead of wins.
The Cowboys might not win, but they make sure you always know they're there. They're never overlooked, and they're never forgotten.
Whether a person likes "Bohemian Rhapsody" or not, that person knows the lyrics.
7) Minnesota Vikings—Prince and The Revolution
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"Honey, I know, I know, I know times are changin'
It's time we all reach out for something new, that means you too"—Prince
Week 1 Result: Lost 14-9 to the New Orleans Saints
Aging, clad in purple and hanging on to the past...it just works.
6) New York Jets—Pink Floyd
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"We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control...all in all you're just another brick in the wall."—Pink Floyd
Week 1 Result: Lost 10-9 to the Baltimore Ravens
Speaking of doing things your own way.
Rex Ryan isn't about learning the "right way" to run his football team, he wants things done his way—for right or wrong.
Now, "Let's go eat a goddamned snack!"
5) Indianapolis Colts—The Jimi Hendrix Experience
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"Every day in the week I'm in a different city, If I stay too long people try to pull me down."—Jimi Hendrix
Week 1 Result: Lost 34-32 to the Houston Texans
Who else was in The Jimi Hendrix Experience?
That's what I thought.
The Indianapolis Colts might have some players becoming household names, but it doesn't really matter who it is. Is it even a question that a bunch of street free agents could get this team to the playoffs with Manning under center?
No one played guitar like Hendrix, ever.
No one has played quarterback like Payton Manning, ever.
4) New England Patriots—U2
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"Sunday Bloody Sunday"—U2
Week 1 Result: Won 38-24 over the Cincinnati Bengals
Tom Brady rivals any football player in terms of being a global icon, but he doesn't come close to the popularity of his own wife and neither are close humanitarian Bono.
Meanwhile, most everyone thinks both Brady (and the Patriots in general) and Bono are both royal toolbox's that the world could easily do without.
Somehow, in midst of all the very vocal virulent venom, Brady and the Patriots thrive.
3) Green Bay Packers—The Beatles
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"Oh I get by with a little help from my friends...going to try with a little help from my friends"—Beatles
Week 1 Result: Won 27-20 over the Philadelphia Eagles
A few years back, the Green Bay Packers almost had a Yoko Ono moment, when Brett Favre waffled his way out of town—landing eventually with the hated Minnesota Vikings.
Now, however, things couldn't be better for the Pack who have their John Lennon back, safe and sound...well, not exactly safe. Even after adding offensive line help in the offseason, protecting Rodgers seems to be an issue.
Rodgers means as much to the Packers as Lennon did to the Beatles. The talent is there if he is gone, but it just can't be the same.
How Rodgers goes, so will the team go.
Goo Goo G'Joub
2) Baltimore Ravens—Van Halen
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"Hey it ain't gonna change overnight, no...And it ain't gonna change without a fight, no"—Van Halen
Week 1 Result: Won 10-9 over the New York Jets
Rex Ryan who?
That's what many of the Baltimore Ravens' defenders are trying to make the storyline for this season. After a summer of headlines in the big apple, the Ravens weren't scared to talk a little trash to make sure everyone knew they had little love lost for the big fella credited with making them great.
In a similar fashion, the members of Van Halen have always seamlessly transitioned from singer to singer with thumbs in noses, reminding David Lee Roth or Sammy Lee Hagar (whichever one is leaving the band this week) just how little they think of him.
Still, not matter who's in charge, it is a group with reckless abandon and a whole lot of talent that is awfully fun to watch.
1) New Orleans Saints—Led Zeppelin
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"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to Heaven."
Week 1 Result: Won 14-9 over the Minnesota Vikings
From near their inception (1968) to the last time they played together (2007) Led Zeppelin has been one of the best acts around.
Their place in music history is sealed.
For the Saints, men clad in gold, any talk of dynasty would be far too soon. But it is clear they are the best team in football.
Drew Brees and company are defending Super Bowl champions and both the offense and the defense look to have improved their personnel since 2009.
They ruined Brett Favre's "return" to the game and once-again defended home turf—a good start to the season which has not seen any sort of speed bump since winning the Lombardi trophy.
Until someone knocks them off, they'll be here at No. 1...waiting.
Michael Schottey is the Managing Editor for the College Writing Internship at Bleacher Report. He is also an NFL featured columnist. Mike is a member of the Pro Football Writers of a America and a credentialed member of the NFL media. Follow Mike on Twitter
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