Brett Favre Retires, ESPN Has Summer Programming

I know you're bored stiff. Nothing to do, it's even too hot to mow the lawn. Have no fear, mi compadres, Brett Favre and ESPN are here to rescue you from the baseball pennant races and a slow, lingering death by infield-fly-rule.

The 89 year old quarterback let slip to the media that he's going to — gasp! — RETIRE!!! Can you believe it? I thought this would NEVER happen. I thought A-Rod would hit his 600th home run before the Vikings had to turn the reins over to Parsley (or is it Sage, it's not Rosemary is it?) Rosenfudder. I mean we can't have a Rosenwhatsis getting face time on The World Wide Leader, can we? Doesn't Rosenbladder work for FOX, anyway? See? Unthinkable.

I guess they can take down the static-cam they've had trained on Brett's smokehouse chimney waiting to see that puff of white drift into the Mississippi sky signaling the return  of history's most prolific quitter. Of course, that will kill the Tuesday night prime time schedule. What will they put in the slot if not the eagerly anticipated update on an elderly quarterback's vacation? Twins vs. White Sox? Dear God, Brett! Can't you drag this out a little longer? Don't leave us to the somnambulant tones of Jon Miller and the pithy insights of Joe Morgan! Throw us a hambone here, Brett.

Seriously, though, if you can take any of this seriously, this continuing saga/debacle epitomizes all that's wrong with the ESPNization of sports fans. Forget actual games of the non-football variety and give us around-the-clock coverage of our favorite reality show, So You Think You Can Be Sacked? Maybe they can get Bernie Kosar to host! That is unless he's contemplating coming back to play for the Vikings. Hey! Unpack that static-cam! We've got sports to cover!!!