Dick Butkus Would Eat A Vampire And Pick His Teeth With A Werewolf!

At the urging of my wife, I recently found myself watching the movie, “Twilight”. I must admit, the flick wasn’t all that bad. It had some decent moments and wasn’t as “girly” as I had expected it would be. But then, out of the blue, the troubling question came to my mind: “What would Dick Butkus think of me watching this thing?”

 I was so embarrassed.

I could just imagine my hero, the legendary #51, popping into my house to thank me for my years of devotion, only to find me watching the scene where Edward the vampire emotionally reveals that in the sunlight he sparkles…

 Sparkles!

 I can imagine Dick seeing me watch that ridiculously lame, estrogen-laden scene and his instinct would be to level me with a hit so ferocious that my spleen would become lodged in my larynx. I would completely deserve every bit of carnage that befell me. Tears would be streaming down my face. Not from the pain or the quarts of blood spewing from my nostrils and eyes, but from knowing how I had so thoroughly disappointed the King of Tough and Nasty.

At this point, I turned to my wife and said, “This is crap!” I ran from the room and headed to my computer to look at some 70s pornography and Russian street fight videos. Slowly, the testosterone crept back into my being.

I believe every guy should always consider WWBD (What Would Butkus Do) before making any move or decision in life. I know that Chuck Norris is the Internet favorite of butt-whippin’ but come on, Dick would let Chuck Norris roundhouse kick him in the face just to see what all the hype is about before eating Chuck.

From now on, all acts of toughness should be judged on the “B-Scale”. For instance, if a man were to climb Mount Everest solo in 45 minutes, killing and eating The Abominable Snowman along the way, then once at the peak, snowboard all the way back down, never falling or even flinching on the trip and finish with a backside 1440, that would be a B-3 (Butkus-3).

 The scale is from 1-5 and works as follows:

·         B-1…  Something on the tough side for the average guy, but WAY too sissy for Butkus to waste his time on. For example, eating a barbed-wire, lettuce and tomato sandwich while winning an MMA fight against four guys at once.

·         B-2… A little tougher. Perhaps single-handedly defeating rebel forces in some dopey third-world coup attempt, while solving advanced Sudoku puzzles on your smart phone.

·         B-3… Something like the little snow adventure thing above. Of course, Butkus would climb the hill much faster and is WAY too tough to be seen snowboarding. He would simply leap back down the hill in a single bound.

·         B-4… Slapping the dog mess out of Superman, without using any Kryptonite, then holding him down and making him watch as you violate a totally willing Lois Lane.

·         B-5… Don’t worry about a B-5. – Only Butkus can achieve this level.

That’s it. – From now on, toughness and meanness is measured only on the scale of Butkus. Pass it on.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I will NOT be watching “Eclipse”. I will instead be putting on my vintage “51” jersey and watching old Miller Lite commercials on YouTube.

…And trust me, the acting in them will be much better than what I’d be witnessing in “Eclipse.”