32 Hilarious 2010 NFL Predictions (Satire)

First off allow me to say, sports fans, that the following "predictions" are jokes . Intended for amusement (mostly my own, and if you also laugh that's cool too), and not meant to unfairly attack any team. To prove it, I'll start with my team first. Enjoy.

Miami Dolphins - The police will finally catch up with members of the Fins
who were in trouble this off-season, and the Dolphins are forced to
field a team using the cheerleaders. Ricky Williams becomes the first
player ever to score a touchdown while under the influence of Geritol.

New York Jets - Mark Sanchez will revolutionize NFL equipment: Whereas in the
past, QB belts only held towels and hand-warmers, we find Mark has
added compartments for his ketchup, mustard, and relish.

Buffalo Bills - The NFL will decide that it isn't fair to make the Bills play
the Colts in the Toronto game, so they will instead face the Toronto
Argonauts... and lose.

New England Patriots - Tom Brady will go down hard after receiving a congratulatory
pat on the back... then protest until the NFL makes congratulatory patting against the rules.

Pittsburgh Steelers - Big Ben's suspension will be extended for making awkward
sexual advances on a line judge.   

Cincinnati Bengals - Chad will tire of exploiting the Spanish language, and insist
he be called Chad Ottocinque. Cincinnatti's Italian population riots.

Cleveland Browns - The Browns realize that bringing in a losing quarterback might
not be the way to improve a losing team. Jake Delhomme lands a job as a
docent at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Baltimore Ravens -   The team suffers record-low attendance when ticket holders
become too terrified to be in the same building as Ray Lewis.

Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning will miss the season opener versus the Texans
after he forgets his MasterCard and is kidnapped by a disgruntled hotel
employee.

Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jags will leave Jacksonville for Los Angeles. No one in
either city will notice.

San Diego Chargers - Phillip Rivers will get ripped off by a vending machine, 
and be electrocuted while trying to get his quarter back. Everyone in
San Diego dies from exposure to intense irony.

Oakland Raiders - Jason Campbell is immediately bumped to number two when
Oakland signs super-fan Ice Cube as Jamarcus Russell's successor.
Oakland wins Superbowl.

Kansas City Chiefs - The tragic loss of Phillip Rivers and the Chargers
organization comes with a bright spot: The Chiefs aren't bringing up
the rear in the AFC West for the first time since 2006.

Minnesota Vikings - Brett Favre's return is questioned when an aging test reveals
that he is actually 92 years old. Though still determined, he only
manages to throw 35 TD passes.

Green Bay Packers - Aaron Rodgers is released upon the realization that he looks
disturbingly like Lurch from the Addams Family. Now just an old
man, Green Bay fans continue to wish they had No. 4 back.

Dallas Cowboys - Dallas' brand-new, billion-dollar stadium collapses under the
weight of Jerry Jones' money.

Washington Redskins - Washington goes 0-16 after everyone becomes sick to death of Albert Haynesworth's reprehensible behavior. This one's not a joke,
Albert. Always honor your commitments.

St. Louis Rams - St. Louis will come out with its own signature fragrance
for men: Eau de Rams.  It won't sell too well when men discover that it's true to its name: When you wear it, the other guy scores.

Philadelphia Eagles - Michael Vick is named the Eagles' starting QB... and head of
the Philadelphia ASPCA.

Phoenix Cardinals - Cards' fans boo Matt Leinart out of the stadium when they
realize that he's not Kurt Warner.

Seattle Seahawks - Matt Hasselbeck accepts a job opposite his wife on the View,
after the Seahawks let him go. He quits a week later and
files for divorce, citing that prior to then, he'd never actually had
to speak with her directly. Nobody blames him.

Denver Broncos - Denver fans storm the front office demanding the head of
anyone involved in pulling the trigger on the Brandon Marshall trade. 
 
New York Giants - The Giants are nowhere to be found, and it's later discovered
that they were hiding in shame, still embarrassed for having lost to the
Panthers 41-9.

Houston Texans - Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson break every
passing and receiving record known to man... and the Texans still miss
the playoffs.

San Francisco 49'ers - The 49'ers change their name upon realizing that the only gold they've struck in recent memory has been their helmets... against the
wall. 

Tennessee Titans - The Titans follow the Jags to Los Angeles when they see that
people in Tennessee only come to their games because the Volunteers
don't play on Sundays. Vince Young gets beat up by a stripper.

Atlanta Falcons - Fans change the team's nickname when someone notices that
there's nothing good about a dirty bird.

New Orleans Saints - An oil leak breaks out under the Superdome and is left
unchecked, as the "experts" pretend they don't know how to stop it.
Drew Brees gets jumped in an alleyway by several members of the
Catholic church.

Carolina Panthers - Steve Smith recovers in time for opening day, but slips and
breaks his leg trying to pull the penalty flag from the referee's belt.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Cadillac Williams will do a reality TV show with Chevy
Chase, Taurus Johnson, and Royce Da'59 about people whose names are also a car.

Chicago Bears - The Bears rise back to power when someone tells Devin Hester to
catch a pass and just pretend that he's returning a kickoff.
 
Detroit Lions - Someone will suggest the use of plastic bags to save money, and
half of the people in Detroit suffocate themselves.

I hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I enjoyed writing them. Chances are, I am not as funny or clever as I believe myself to be, but I did laugh through the entire process. There's also a good chance your team just caught the business-end of an unprovoked zinger. Try not to hold it against me. Cheers!