Albert Haynesworth Eats Daniel Snyder, Redskins Fans Riot (Satire)

Shocking reports are emerging from Washington Redskins headquarters, where it appears that embittered defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth has eaten Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and choked to death in the process.

In a bizarre turn of events, in an already strange tale, a large crowd of joyous Redskin fans were seen tailgating and celebrating outside the Redskins facilities as the word of the reported Redskin double fatality spread.

Former Redskin stars Sonny Jurgensen and John Riggins were even spotted leading fans in a riotous version of "Hail To The Redskins!"

Redskins' head coach Mike Shanahan, who was at the improvised owner buffet, was still in a state of shock as he talked to reporters.

"Look we never anticipated this happening. I feel terrible. I mentioned moving Albert to free safety and said, just in jest, that I used to have a super sized safety named Steve Atwater, and that Atwater was the size of Albert's ass. Well Albert looked at me and just growled."

Shanahan wiped away tears. "Well Mr. Snyder said, 'shut up Albert I paid you so much money you ought to come clean my mansion and play safety if I wanted you to.' Well Albert, he already looked bloated like the anaconda that ate the big village goat for breakfast, he burped something vile and vaguely Kentucky Fried Chicken-like and emitted some other foul odor which only angered Mr. Snyder further."

"Then Mr. Snyder gagged and called him a lazy, fat sloth, and Albert reached across the table grabbed him, slurred, 'get in my belly,' and just, just, just...ate Snyder. Well almost all of him because Snyder's little expensive shoes were sticking out of Albert's mouth and kicking and kicking."

"People were screaming and pulling on Albert, and those little, tiny feet just kept kicking and kicking and kicking and then...well then those poor little, tiny feet stopped. They just stopped. And Albert fell over gurgling. Let the trainers tell the rest."

Redskin Trainer Brad Bortz took the podium and began speaking in soft tones. "We tried to grab Mr. Snyder, but Haynesworth shoved him down so fast there was nothing we could really do."

"And finally, after almost an hour in Jonah land we, along with a few lineman, pulled Mr. Snyder out. But it was too late, much too late. It might have been better if he had swallowed Snyder whole and somehow our owner had been able to burst bravely through Albert's belly, like that alien baby did to Harry Dean Stanton."   

Bortz continued wiping away tears. "I mean if Mr. Snyder had made it all the way down Albert's giant gullet he might have survived. I mean there was room and air pockets and undigested whole fish, three live chickens, and a dead small calf, along with several triple Whoopers and fries still in the bag all in that big man's belly."

"Even if Snyder could have swam upstream, like Donald Pleasence in Fantastic Voyage, he might have been able to pop out of Snyder's forehead like Athena."

"But," Bortz continued. "Mr. Snyder never had a chance. He got caught like that gator in that evil anaconda's throat in the Everglades and, like with those two doomed reptiles, it ended up bad for both."

An unnamed Washington policemen stepped forward. "We have reason to suspect Albert was somewhere in the gulf recently as we have pulled out a Mississippi license plate and several swordfish still, sadly, soaked in oil."  

"But," the policemen continued shuffling notes. "It's not true we found Mark Mosley in his belly. Mr. Mosley has not been missing, but we have found what we believe to be the remains of a grown man inside Albert."

"Has anyone here had any contact with Joe Theismann recently?"