Week 13 NFL Power Rankings: Patriots, Cowboys Set the Pace

What a weird week this was.

We saw (or didn't see, as the case may be) the first Thursday Night game on the NFL Network. 

I have Comcast, so I didn't see it.

We also saw some surprising wins—especially the Vikings' humiliation of the Giants in New York—and some teams found absolutely horrible ways to lose football games.

But as always, in my power rankings a "W" is a "W" and a "L" is an "L"—and if the Dolphins and Steelers had ended up tied Monday Night, you can bet a "T" would be a "T" too.

(Team — Last Week —  Record)
 

1  New England Patriots     1  (11-0)

The Pats got a scare Sunday Night—and the ex-Dolphins of 1972 were left cursing A.J. Feeley (Nick Buoniconti cried, "I damn thee, A. J. Feeley!") for his impatient interception in the New England end zone.

Put away the champagne, boys—you'll not be drinking it this week.

The Pats and the Eagles are two of the most run-phobic teams in the league.  It was pass, pass, pass, and pass some more as Brady dropped back to throw 57 times and Feeley 42 times.

The Pats only rushed 16 times for 48 yards (21 percent of their 73 plays). Gotta wonder if that lack of a running game will ever catch up to them.

 

2  Dallas Cowboys   2  (10-1)

The Cowboys invited the Jets to Dallas for Thanksgiving—and promptly carved them up in a 34-3 massacre.

Dallas knocked the stuffing out of Kellen Clemens, sacking him three times and intercepting him once.

Sorry for all the bad Thanksgiving puns, but I've never had to feel the pain of a Cowboys team starting 10-1—and the least I can do is share some of it.

 

3  Green Bay Packers   3  (10-1)

Speaking of pain, it's hard to know which is worse—having the insufferably arrogant Cowboys at 10-1, or the equally annoying Brett Favre and his Packers at 10-1.

Makes it hard to know who to root for in "The Game of the Century that No One Will See Because the NFL and Big Cable Can't Decide Who Gets to Choke on More Money" next Thursday.

At least we won't have to hear some announcer slobbering over Brett Favre next week—which is no great loss, because if that's what you're looking for, you can always go read a Peter King column.

When you can't decide which of two equally repugnant teams to root for, I always say, "Root for injuries." Let's hope the trainers and cart drivers have a busy night!

 

4  Indianapolis Colts   4  (9-2)

In the first "Game That No One Saw" of the season, Indy pounded Atlanta in a Thursday night snoozefest in Atlanta.

I'd say more about the game—but hey, I didn't see it.

 

5  Jacksonville Jaguars   5  (8-3)

Fred Taylor did the damage, rushing for 104 yards as Jacksonville throttled the Bills in a surprisingly easy 36-14 victory.

Things get a little tougher next week as the Jags travel to Indy. Who in the league scheduling office did Jacksonville tick off?

The Jags' first game against the Colts this year came the week after Indy's bye. Next week's game against the Colts comes after the Colts played in Atlanta on Thanksgiving, giving them nine days to prepare for Jacksonville.

 

6  Pittsburgh Steelers   7  (8-3)

If you are a Pittsburgh fan, it's kind of hard to have any warm fuzzy feelings about your team's chances in the playoffs after the last two week's performances—a horrible loss to the now 2-9 Jets, and Monday Night's stirring 3-0 victory over the now 0-11 Dolphins.

Obviously playing in a mud pit helped make the Monday Nighter such a horrible game, but when's the last time you saw two teams combine for 375 yards, 22 first downs...and only three points?

 

7  Tampa Bay Buccaneers   12  (7-4)

Jeff Garcia got tossed around like a rag doll and was out for most of the afternoon—but Ronde Barber (the likable Barber Twin) set a team record for interceptions as the Bucs won a game they should have lost to the visiting Redskins.

 

8  Seattle Seahawks   11  (7-4)

Seattle continued its mastery over the Rams, winning the sixth straight game in the series.

The Seahawks' key move was knocking Marc Bulger out of the game and forcing  designated gus Goat Frerotte could (or is that designated goat Gus Frerotte?) into action.

It paid off when the Goat, in a play reminiscent of Brooks Bollinger's fumble against Detroit, fumbled the ball on 4th-and-goal from the Rams five with about a 1:30 left in the game.

If anyone cares, the Seahawks now lead the all-time series against the Rams 10-9.

 

9  Cleveland Browns   9  (7-4)

The Cleveland Browns wore their "throwback" uniforms in a victory over Houston.  You had to look pretty closely, though, because the throwbacks looked exactly the same as their regular uniforms—only the number on the helmets was any different.

How miserable is it to be a Cleveland fan? Not only does your team almost always suck—they're so boring you can't even get a decent alternate jersey out of them.

Then again what do you expect about a team called "the Browns?"

 

10  New York Giants   6  (7-4)

The Giants were finally exposed for the frauds they are in a 41-17 pounding at the hands of the Vikings.

Not only did the Giants get beat in every aspect of the game—they looked stupid doing it. Eli Manning's "scramble" for a 26-yard loss to put the final nail in the coffin was the perfect finishing touch.

Things don't get any easier for the Giants, as they finish up @Chicago, @Philly, Washington, @Buffalo, and New England.

 

11  Detroit Lions   10  (6-5)

They're celebrating a return to normalcy in Detroit, where the Lions have now lost three straight after getting spanked by Green Bay at home on Thanksgiving.

All the winning early in the season only confused Lion fans—and distracted everyone else in Detroit from their true sports love, Red Wings hockey.

I predict that since Detroit finishes up @Minnesota, Dallas, @San Diego, Kansas City and @Green Bay, no one will have to worry about Lion playoff games preempting any Red Wing contests in January.

 

12  San Diego Chargers   17  (6-5)

"We're coming together. We're ready to rock," said San Diego center Nick Hardwick after Sunday's 33-14 blowout over Baltimore.

Most people say things like that in the late stages of preseason, not after Week 12—but it's been that kind of a confusing year for the up-and-down Chargers, as they lurch from exhilarating high to demoralizing low on a weekly basis.

I'd laugh at the Bolts' chances to make the playoffs, except for the fact that they actually lead the pathetic AFC West. Oh well, I'll laugh at their chances of lasting past the first round of the playoffs instead.

Hahaha.

 

13  Tennessee Titans   8  (6-5)

Everyone keeps talking about how much the Titans miss Albert Haynesworth—but last I checked, he plays defense.

Yes, yes, I know the Titans gave up 35 points and a staggering 30 first downs to the Bengals Sunday...but the the key to beating the Bengals is outscoring them. Hard to do that when your offense is only good for 10 first downs and a total of six points against one of the league's most pathetic defenses.

Someone has to tell Tennessee that winning ugly is cool, but losing ugly is square.

 

14  Philadelphia Eagles   16  (5-6)

The Eagles played New England tough by getting good pressure on Tom Brady, running man-to-man with safety help on Randy Moss, and exploiting the Patriot pass defense over the middle of the field.

Feeley choked at the end by getting greedy, but Philly did expose a chink in the Pats aura of invincibility. Problem is that not everyone matches up as well against the Pats—and that the Eagles are just another one of those up-and-down teams that are so hard to figure out.

 

15  Minnesota Vikings   24  (5-6)

The Vikings, on the other hand, are easy to figure out: They win when either their starting running back scores three TDs (as Adrian Peterson did in their games against Chicago and San Diego and Chester Taylor did against Oakland) or when their defense scores at least two TDs (as they did against Atlanta).

Since the Giants held Taylor to one TD and Peterson was out Sunday, it was up to the Vikings defense—and they responded with three interception returns for TDs. The D now has seven touchdowns on the season.

With Wild Card contenders Detroit, Chicago, and Washington still on Minnesota's schedule, the purple-shades crowd is whispering about the playoffs.

I'm not ready to drink that purple Kool-Aid yet, though—because I just know Brad Childress will find a way to screw up at least two of those games.

 

16  New Orleans Saints   25  (5-6)

Let's see, the Saints started the season by losing four, then they won four, then they lost two, and now they've won one.

Who'd be surprised if they made it two in a row next week?

When you're 5-6, about the only way to keep your sanity is by playing silly games like this.

 

17  Chicago Bears   22  (5-6)

Gosh, there sure are a lot of 5-6 teams this week—and Bears fans have to be trying hard to stay sane this year too.

What happened to that vaunted Bear defense? For the fifth time this year they gave up 30 or more points in a wild game against the Broncos.  And to make things even worse, both of Chicago's quarterbacks have made the round trip  between hero and goat several times.

Sure makes it hard to make your late January/early February travel plans when your team is playing like this.

Of course, cocky Bear fans are sitting on nonrefundable tickets to Arizona that they bought after last year's Super Bowl. Too bad the Bears won't be there to join them.

Hey, don't the Cubs have spring training in Arizona? See, it's easy to solve problems if you put your mind to it.

 

18  Buffalo Bills   14  (5-6)

After flirting briefly with a winning record, Dick Jauron's Bills have slipped back into mediocrity after getting drilled by Jacksonville.

Seems to me this season is the perfect microcosm of Jauron's entire coaching career.

 

19  Washington Redskins   18  (5-6)

How bad was the Redskins' trip to Florida?

They fumbled the ball four times in 16 offensive plays in the first half, which because of Tampa Bay's inept offense only led to a 19-3 halftime deficit.

In the second half, the Skins outgained Tampa Bay 315-16...but couldn't catch up because Jason Campbell kept throwing bad interceptions.

Talk about a nightmare.

What's worse is that now Tampa Bay looks like a lock for the playoffs. Ugh, Tampa Bay and Cleveland—can you imagine any two duller teams in the playoffs?

And Marty Schottenheimer doesn't even coach either of them.

 

20  Houston Texans   15  (5-6)

What did Houston do to deserve the Texans? Maybe it's payback for that sickening "Luv Ya Blue" song they inflicted on the football world back when their team was the Oilers.

It's been six years since the Texans started playing as an expansion team—and they still don't have a winning season. I did some research and found that among expansion teams, even Tampa Bay had their first winning season in their fourth year, as did Cleveland.

Seattle did it in their third year, and Carolina and Jacksonville both did it in their second years. After that, I got tired of researching and gave up.

A lot of fans in Houston have given up too.

 

21  Denver Broncos   19  (5-6)

In Denver they call Mike Shanahan "The Mastermind."

I usually call him "The Squirrel," but this morning I'm calling him "The Complete Flipping Idiot" for kicking not once but TWICE to Devin Hester.

Even after Hester returned a punt and a kickoff for TDs, the Broncos still had a 14-point lead late in the fourth quarter. But in the biggest choke since Buffalo let Dallas recover an onside kick and drive for that game-winning field goal, the Broncos let Rex Grossman lead the Bears to two TDs in the final 5:17 to tie it up...then lost in OT.

How do you let Rex Grossman beat you? Even more mind-boggling, the Broncos are only a game behind San Diego in the pathetic AFC West.

 

22  Arizona Cardinals   13  (5-6)

This weekend was full of examples of horrible ways to lose football games: Feeley's interception against the Pats, Frerotte's fumble against the Seahawks, the Broncos' complete meltdown against the Bears.

But Kurt Warner brought the concept of losing badly to a whole new level with his brain-dead, end-zone-sack-and-fumble routine in overtime in Arizona.

Not only did the play cost the Cardinals an embarrassing loss to a rotten 49ers team and drop them a full two games behind the Seahawks in the NFC West—it blew the hell out of my "Arizona Only Loses Near Large Bodies of Water" theory, as it happened in the desert.

Thanks a lot Kurt. Bet it felt nice to throw for almost 500 yards and still manage to be the goat of the game.

 

23  Cincinnati Bengals   27  (4-7)

Sunday the mighty Cincinnati defense rose up like a big, orange...um, well, thing and held Vince Young and Co. to 10 first downs and two field goals.

The feat would have been impressive against anyone but Tennessee.

What WAS impressive was the Bengal offense—especially Chad Johnson who had a highlight reel full of catches.

Unfortunately, you get the feeling that while there's no "I" in team, there's no "team" in Chad Johnson either.

 

24  Kansas City Chiefs   23  (4-7)

It's not often a coach looks sillier making a challenge than Brad Childress does, but Herm Edwards accomplished it Sunday.

Edwards called a timeout to discuss whether to challenge the spot on a play that set up a fourth down for Kansas City—then lost the challenge, thus losing, you guessed it, another timeout.

Down 20-17 at that point with a 4th-and-1 at the Raiders 23, Edwards then lost the game by going for it. Normally I'd support that call—but after a timeout, a challenge, and a long rest, the Raider D was more than ready to stop KC cold.

The Chiefs then got to watch the Raiders run out the clock with no way to stop them. Another horrible way to lose a game.

 

25  Carolina Panthers   21  (4-7)

After getting pounded 31-6 by the Saints, Carolina has now lost seven straight home games dating back to last season.

It's been over a calendar year since anyone has seen a victory in Carolina—which must explain all those fans I saw disguised as empty seats in Carolina on Sunday afternoon.

 

26  Baltimore Ravens   20  (4-7)

It sounds like Brian "The Offensive Genius" Billick is sure wearing out his welcome in Baltimore.

One thing's for sure—it's not going to get any easier. Baltimore finishes with New England, Indy, @Miami, @Seattle, and Pittsburgh.

You know things are bad when the 0-11 Dolphins have circled your game on the schedule as their best chance to get a victory this year.

 

27  Oakland Raiders   29  (3-8)

Hey, Justin Fargas ran for 139 yards in KC Sunday, becoming the first Oakland back to rush for over 100 yards in Arrowhead since Arthur Whittington (who?) in 1978.

That was almost 30 years ago...when Al Davis had just started collecting Social Security.

The Raiders broke a lot of streaks yesterday—their six-game losing streak, their streak of 17 straight losses to division rivals (and we're talking AFC West here), and a nine-game losing streak to the Chiefs.

Now they can put that all behind them, and get ready for the draft.  Victory or not, Oakland'll still be picking early next year.

 

28  San Francisco 49ers   31  (3-8)

Speaking of streaks and ancient history, remember way back in September when the 49ers started 2-0 and looked like they might threaten Seattle for supremacy in the awful NFC West?

Well, eight losses later, San Francisco finally found victory number three.  It was hiding in the Arizona desert all this time.

 

29  Atlanta Falcons   26  (3-8)

No one saw Atlanta lose to Indy last Thursday night, because who gets the NFL Network? 

In related news, Michael Vick turned himself in last week to begin serving his jail sentence for dogfighting. No word on whether the Northern Neck Regional Jail in Warsaw, VA, gets the NFL Network...but my guess would be no.

 

30  St. Louis Rams   30  (2-9)

"I can remember talking to myself walking up to the line and it just happened," Gus Frerotte said of his game-losing fumble on 4th-and-goal at the end of the game against Seattle Sunday.

No word on whether Frerotte can walk and chew gum at the same time. On the plus side, St. Louis has the Mizzou Tigers to cheer for now.

 

31  New York Jets   28  (2-9)

At least St. Louis looked like they had a pulse in their game against Seattle. The Jets, on the other hand, looked deader than the Thanksgiving turkey against the Cowboys Thursday afternoon.

 

32  Miami Dolphins   32  (0-11)

After Monday Night's 3-0 loss to the Steelers at Heinz Swamp, the Dolphins have lost six games this season by three points or less.

So if you know any Miami fans, that's how you cheer them up—just tell them, "Hey, your Dolphins are the best 0-11 team ever!"