You talkin' to me?!

I was standing in line at Subway when, abruptly, I was complemented on my sweater by the guy standing to my right. Flattered, and yet confused, I looked down to make sure I was wearing my standard Chicago Bears hoodie and didn’t accidentally happen to look presentable today. Although it’s not technically a “sweater” I let it slide in favor of the kind words. It is very rare that I get complements on Bears apparel out here in Wisconsin so I figured he was a fellow fan and replied, “Thanks, I don’t hear that a lot out here.” He didn’t reply, staring forward at the menu. I figured he was getting ready to order so I waited…nothing. No order, no reply, no eye contact. He must have been awfully focused on the menu, because he was nodding his head and mumbling “uh huh” and “right” every now and then. At this point I felt the situation was a lost cause and continued on with my order.

As Mundabi shook the oregano over my sub, he interjected, “I bet you paid waaaay too much for it though.” What the fuck? Who the hell is this guy to tell me how much I should or shouldn’t pay for my clothes? Killing with kindness I said, “Actually it was a gift, so I have no idea how much it wa…” and before I even finished my sentence this jagoff began to talk again! “You always shop at the most ridiculous places, I could have gotten that for you for half the price.” You son of a bitch! I couldn’t believe this guy, what an arrogant prick. As much as I disliked this fellow by now I was still interested as to where he could get sweet NFL hoodies at such a bargain. Before I even opened my mouth to speak this little piece of crap got ahead of me, “Just take it back, it looks terrible I was being sarcastic when I told you I liked it anyway.” MOTHER #@%$#@#%@&!!!!! Unbelievable. I was totally fed up at this point and couldn’t think of anything else to say so I asked, “What’s your problem?” He turned to face me for the first time throughout the entire conversation and in his right ear I got a glimpse of one of the most frustrating, irritating, pretentious things known to man: his bluetooth headset. To make matters worse he gave me the patented ‘hold on’ with one index finger as he pointed to his douche device with the other. He had absolutely no idea that I was engaged in this fictitious conversation the entire time. Besides the fact that  he met all the criteria for being a total asshat, this guy was a total dick to whoever was on the other line. I wanted to shove that damn bluetooth so far into his ear canal that it would need surgery to be removed, then call his phone and scream into mine until my lungs bled.

The bluetooth frenzy is one of the most annoying inventions in recent years and it’s only getting worse. When they were used for talking while driving I was on board. When people started talking to themselves while walking down the street, it was comical. Even watching these idiots get hit by cars because of the lack of attention paid to their surroundings was OK because, again, if you have it coming – I will not sympathize. When self-important, arrogant gas bags started using them just to look important and forget about what losers they really were is where I began to have a problem. Given the chance, I’d like to make sure every bluetooth abuser has one of the big gaudy devices that glow or blink – and stick them directly up their asses – that way they’ll be easier to spot. If there is ever a question you would just have to lean back and check it out. Ass glowing blue? They’re not talking to you.

Know somebody that would appreciate this? let ‘em know!