20 Ways To Ease Your Offseason NFL Pain

The NFL has become a year marketing monster. The beast does not rest.

The beast must eat and twist and shout like the Beatles.

But even the most hardened fan can endure only so many television talking heads babbling endless, boring Tim Tebow and Brett Favre tales. 

How many forty yard times and bench press results can a fan read and still maintain a semblance of sanity?

How much Brett Favre can any man take?

So, perhaps, here are some things to do in the off season to ease football withdrawal.

1] Organize fund raisers, bake and sub sales, lemonade stands and such, to assist the struggling billionaire owners and millionaire players through their looming work stoppage.

Donate part of your salary, or your unemployment check, to ease these precious souls pain.

2] Avenge the United States Olympic Hockey loss.

Seek out Sarah Palin and tell her to stop staring at Canada from her porch and launch a filibustering expedition against those evil doing Canadians.

Canada has it coming.

Payback for the War of 1812 can be a real she dog.

3] Watch the football flick Big Fan and ponder if you, dear football fanatic, have a serious problem.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1228953/

4] Help Skip Bayless construct his Brett Favre shrine.

But, Brother Bubba, beware if Bayless is dressed like Deanna Favre and calling Brett his precious. 

5] Settle the Joe Namath hall of fame argument, and any other football question, by visiting this excellent site.

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/blog/?p=6003

Actually the above amazingly well researched web sit can settle many football trivia bar bets or other intellectual off season stimulants.

6] Perfect inter-species DNA splicing.

You heard me Doctor Moreau get back in your garage because the NFL, and the SEC, will pay big bucks for the perfect man rhino mix to play defensive tackle or man grizzly bear to play defensive end.

What would mad Al Davis drop for a cheetah man mix at wide out?

Imagine a a Pat Williams polar bear mix?

What rough beast, its hour come round at last, will be slouching towards the combine to be born?

7] Ponder how the revelation, by creepy John Mayer, that Jessica Simpson has a napalm like crotch and how that adversely affected Tony Romo's playoff performance during their Dallas dating years.

8] Wonder how dumb ESPN can be.

Mike Tirico said the Tiger Wood's press conference was one of those moments that you will remember exactly where you were for the rest of your life.

Really? Just like JFK's assassination, the Moon Landing, 9/11, or Brett's Favre's last retirement press conference?

Its hard to be dumber than a constant stream of silly nicknames but Tirico did it.

9] Call Kendra for a hook up.

Since her boy toy Hank Baskett bungled the Big Bowl onside kick surely she is looking somewhere else to get her kicks.

10] Figure out how to ship Bob Costas, the Olympic Gold winner in annoyance, back to the Shire in Middle Earth.

11] Sloth out, you slob, until football starts.

And get paid for it too.

http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT00891449

12] Take a stroll.

Ye do not have to walk the Earth like Caine but step off the couch, move your manatee mass, before the Fire Department has to cut your wallowing, walrus butt out of your couch.

13] Challenge someone to a duel. Its an ancient custom that needs to be brought back to make our society more polite.

Imagine the ratings if partisan Congressmen had to joust or sword fight on the capital dome?

14] Get blind drunk in New Orleans. 

Go on an off-season New Orleans bender until you collapse in a drooling, shaking, shuttering mess able only to senselessly slur Who dat, Who dat over and over and over as they cart you away.

15] Plan a coup.

Do not plan to overthrow any country to tough, skip Russia or Germany, instead find a fun place in the sun.

Read The Dogs of War, watch the Wild Geese, hire a few armed Cincinnati Bengals and Aruba is yours in a week.

16] Become the next heavyweight champ.

What the world needs now isn't love, sweet love, but the next great heavyweight champ.

Boxing is dying. Save it sunshine.

Skip being just another dumb defensive end or pitiful power forward instead become a legend.

17] Go on a quest.

Bring back the bones of bitter Ambrose Bierce from Old Mexico.

Go get Genghis Khans royal riches from his long lost grave.

Find Alexander the Great's tomb.

Lead the Lions to a successful off season in Motown.

Sail on Space pirate, beat other men to mars.

18] Give yourself a title.

Earl envy?

Want to be the Baron of Beer?

Do it Duke.

Call it Count.

Dig it Dude or Dame.

Sir Dude Doctor, perhaps?

Come chill with the Khan the King of Fantasy football has a ring.

19] Grab some good football books.

http://www.amazon.com/Super-70s-Tom-Danyluk/dp/0977038300

And check out Chuck Klosterman's amusing essay on football in Eating The Dinosaur. Unless, like Mike Tice, your an ABBA freak you can skip the Dancing Queen part.

20] Invent a dance craze.

Grow a wild Southern Civil War general beard.

Free your uni-brow, you uni-bomber lookalike, and start a staggering dance craze called the Mad Prophet.

Grab a ghost shirt and make that crazed tune boom to a blues beat called Beat a Banker and watch it sweep the nation.

Rock on Rasputin its a long way to kickoff.