Without the Double-Switch, Life Is A Hollow Meaningless Void

Occasionally, we here at Chatterbalks assign articles to special guests.  This article was written by Giants manager Bruce Bochy during the Giants recent 4-1 win over the Indians in Cleveland.

Now I like to think I’m a pretty upbeat guy most of the time. Even though my team isn’t very good, I have faith in my guys. I know that one day, these young guys are going to be really good baseball players and they’ll have some growing pains. But I have to say, I’ve been appalled lately during this round of interleague play. You see, in American League parks they have the designated hitter, which means that the pitcher doesn’t hit. And that means that there can be no double switches. And that makes me want to die.

Holy crap, Zito’s actually pitching well tonight. If only I could put in a reliever in a non-9th spot in the lineup!

You see, the essence of good managing is the double switch. Any time I can take a guy out of the lineup who’s hitting well so I can move the pitcher’s spot up two places, I get so excited my heart skips a beat. And right now, that’s been taken away from me. I can barely shave for fear of slitting my throat in order to gain sweet release. As I walk down the street, I want to throw myself into traffic so that I can finally get to heaven and double switch out Babe Ruth in the 6th inning of a Heaven Baseball League game for a mediocre lefty middle reliever who I’ll only leave in for one batter.

It’s a beautiful dream, you guys. And I want it so bad.

Nice dinger, Bowker.

I don’t know how these AL managers get through the day. I mean, the game is supposed to be so beautiful and it’s a cruel mockery of fate to be here today watching this travesty. Liebniz said that the fact of God’s existence proves that this is the best of all possible worlds. To him I say this: no loving God would allow this travesty. Eat it, Gottfried Liebniz. You suck.

Oh, I’m sorry Gottfried. I’m just so bitter right now. I saw a commercial for The Happening while I was in Kansas City and now I just want to throw myself under a tractor. That would just bring me so much comfort…

You know what? I’m better than this. I can overcome this. I’m Bruce Bochy! I was a major league catcher and now I’m a major league manager! Of course I can get through this. I don’t care if this is an AL park - I’m double switching anyway!

Bowker! You’re out! We don’t allow home runs in these parts anymore! Aurilia! Move from the DH to the field! Yeah, I know, that gets rid of the DH. Well they’ll never see it coming! And you, Walker! Get your ass in the game. You’re hitting 8th now.

All right, baby. My heart is pounding. My pulse is racing. For the first time in a week, I feel alive! Oh sweet, merciful heaven that was exactly what I needed. Bochyball’s finally back.

And it’s never going away ever again, even if I have to double switch out every single person in my lineup who has any hitting talent.

Which I intend to do.