Mark McGwire Took Steroids—Why Do You Care?

Mark McGwire really did let Jose Canseco jab ‘riods into his ass!

Quick—somebody dig up Peter Jennings and get a report on the national news—STAT! Flip over the rock Victor Conte is buried underneath and get a comment! The children…For the love of Jesus, what the hell are we going to do about these sure to be juiced up little monsters!

People, people, people. Has the Jersey Shore taught us nothing? Steroids are cooooool.

That’s right, this is another opinion piece on Mr. McGwire’s admission that he did indeed supple at the fake hormone teat.

But not the one that most self-righteous assholes on top of a soapbox are giving right now all over these fine Internets. No, this is an opinion piece for the rest of us and it goes a little something like this:

Who gives a shit?

Seriously. Why do you care?

A) Mark McGwire looked like the poster boy for an HGH ad campaign. He had more muscles in his pinky toe than you did in your entire body. If you honestly thought that any of these athletes were getting this big on their own, then you’ve never been to a gym.

Me?

I go about five times a week and take it pretty seriously. Lifted about four years now without a break longer than a week. You know how big I am? Not terribly much bigger than I was four years ago. And do you know why? Because that’s the way it works. You don’t look like Zeus’ bitch from "hitting the gym hard" or "eating high protein foods." You get huge, ball crushing muscles from taking a truck load of steroids for a decade.

Face it, you knew this day was inevitable. It just so happens to be real now.

B) He didn’t break your records. You’re not Roger Maris. You’re not his son. You’re a guy or girls that’s never played a game of pro baseball in your life and if the integrity of a record book that you don’t have a vested interest in is that important to you, I’d suggest buying a hooker. Because you need to get laid. 

C) The guys been retired for 10 years. He’s about as relevant to today’s game of MLB baseball as Whitey Herzog or Joe Carter. Their work lead to today’s game, just like McGwire’s steroid abuse lead to new testing that influences today’s game.

But their time has all passed. Other things in baseball deserve much more attention than a washed-up rookie hitting coach.

D) We get it. Everybody used steroids. Nobody doubted you. I hope admittance makes you feel better.

E) This is entertainment. Fun. Not serious. An escape.

Personally, I want my guys doing whatever they can to win a game. And if it means a little backne and some tiny nuts in a jock, then whatever. Ain’t my body. Mark McGwire really didn’t break any rules.

It might not have been “ethical” or at least “ethical” by some people’s standards, but it wasn’t tested for back in the 1990s, so Big Mac did what he thought was the best for his game. He made millions of dollars, so by my estimate, it worked out.

Good for him. He’s the one that had to deal with his lies for the better part of a decade, or more. Not me.

F) He lied in front of Congress? Well, not really. He pretty much admitted his transgressions back in 2005. The fact that Congress was involved to begin with was pretty amusing…but those calling for him to apologize, re-testify or face charges? You’re nuts.

Let’s let Congress stick to what they know best—being bigots and screwing up health care.

We can go all day with this list. The bottom line, though? It doesn’t matter.

Hopefully McGwire feels better. Hopefully this admission will help him be a good hitting coach in 2010 for the Cardinals. Maybe he’ll sleep better at night. But above and beyond that—I don’t care.

And neither should you.