Italy vs. France: How I Got Through an Entire Game

Well, with one of the biggest matches for Group C taking place this afternoon, even me—the least likely person on the face of the Earth to watch soccer, is hooked.

You can blame Nicole, you can blame the mainstream media, or you can just blame the turbulence of the Toronto Maple Leafs offseason, but needless to say I've been watching the Euro Cup.

Please Note: I know nothing about Soccer...Getting offended and telling me I know nothing about the sport and calling me stupid for writing this will only make me laugh at you.

2:40: The teams come out and it sounds like the crowd is singing along to Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes—granted they only know the bass line, but it’s things like this that make me wonder why I didn’t watch Soccer more often.

2:43: The difference between Soccer and Hockey: Soccer players will sing their National Anthem while Hockey players just kind of stay quiet. I have to admit, the passion from both teams is exciting, although I’m surprised at how many black-French soccer players there are.

2:44: The referee is nicknamed the "Rain Man." I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but I’d love to do that here in North America with Kerry “The Hair” Fraser, Jeff “Shine my base shoes” Nelson, and Tim “I’m all in” Donaghy. On a more serious note however, France is wearing blue today and Italy is wearing white—which is good, because maybe wearing a color that’s part of their flag may help Italy come out on top today.

2:49: It’s been three minutes so far, and no one was been kicked in the leg and fallen to the ground grabbing at their face—I’m impressed.

2:50: Lucatoni was in all alone and just punched it wide. It’s sad that this could have been Italy’s best chance all game.

2:54: Rules that should be instituted in soccer from other sports: The five seconds to cross half-court rule in basketball.

2:56: Franck (yes that’s right—Franck) tripped Zambrotta but apparently got the worst of it. He’s surprisingly calm-looking seeing as they’re bracing the ankle and throwing him on the cart.

Editors Note: I’m doing this without the internet (my house lacks wireless) so we may be getting a combination of first and last names—hopefully you can keep up because God knows I can’t.

3:00: GiGi Buffon made a save! Granted it wasn’t very hard, but it’s GiGi! GOOOOO GIGI!!

3:03: Apparently they won’t let Italy (de Rossi I think) field a player with blood on his shirt, but last game Romania’s Rat (That’s his last name folls—there’s no first name you could give that could improve that at all) was allowed to play as blood flowed down his face. I guess so long as you keep your shirt clean that’s all that matters.

3:04: Yellow card to Patrice Evra. I’m not sure why, but all of the sudden I thought of Patrice Bergeron. Oh well, we’re almost 20 minutes in and I still haven’t started counting the tiles in my floor—we’re all good.

3:07: Ok, I have to ask—Why do the refs get headset microphones? Are they just talking to each other like Navy S.E.A.Ls or do they actually announce things to the crowd. Which brings me to another question: Did anyone else notice that the opening interview with Rocco Mediate?

3:10: Penalty Kick?! The French are down to ten? PIRLO SCORES ON A PENALTY KICK!!!!!! I’m not going to lie, I have no clue what just happened, all I know is that Pirlo launched it to the top corner as the French make a substitution.

3:15: Rules that should be instituted in Soccer from other sports: Over and back.

And while we’re on the topic, wouldn’t it be great if the goalies got a stick in hockey and a catchers’ mitt and helmet? It’d be like the days when you’d raid the garage for whatever sports-related gear you could find and make up a game based on that!

Note to self: Still waiting for the patent on Badmin-tennis Volley Base-Hockey.

3:18: How you know your sport has too much diving—The Italian player was in the fetal position on the ground and the play (and the camera) just keep going. Needless to say I’m still wondering if he’s found his way back to his feet.

3:20: Thierry Henry just missed tying the game. In other news, I miss Jim Fergosi. Bring him back to Toronto JP—I miss having an offense. I also miss Cito Gaston and the war stories from Tim Johnson. Our team is great.

3:25: Blocking a free kick has to be one of the most painful things in the world. Watching that makes my knees hurt. However, it also has me wondering why they don’t fall to the ground after blocking one—I mean it has to hurt just as much as getting barely touched in the side by a guy going the same direction and speed as they are, right?

3:28: Correction: Headers have to be the most painful thing in the world. My neck hurts.

3:29: Do you have allergy problems? Well then try Benzema! Not only is he a player on French National team, but he’s also the leading fighter in the battle against a running nose, red, itchy eyes, and sore throats. Pick up a bottle today!

3:30: Ok, Fabio Grasso just had a monster free kick that was stopped, and we’ve got a yellow card to Pirlo on the play. In other news, I’ve just figured out the mystery of extra-time: If they were to stop the ball and the clock every time something illegal happened, then the games would be boring, and people would complain even more about how slow-moving the sport can be.

In merely adding three minutes at the end of the half, you keep the viewers watching because the action doesn’t stop (Speaking of which, I want commercial breaks in the languages of the two teams playing to help with the fandom), and then when extra-time comes up, the fans are just ecstatic that the game is still going.

3:37: The first half is over! And only one player left on a stretcher.

I’m disappointed. So disappointed I’m not even watching the half time show.

3:50: And we’re back to 11-on-10 Soccer action! I’m intrigued as to how small the rosters can actually get in Soccer—I’d love to see a 5-on3 kind of situation.

3:52: Another yellow card, and another player suspended for the next game, just not this one. I don’t understand how someone can do something illegal enough to get suspend for the game after rather than the game they’re in—it’s kind of like leaving Todd Bertuzzi in to finish the game after he mauled Steve Moore.

3:55: Benzema missed! His vision is cloudy! Quick, shoot him up with anti-histamines!

3:59: Well Gatuso just got a yellow card an now he’s gone for the next match. I personally don’t think that was deserved—the French player just kind of fell of his own accord. I mean the replay didn’t even convince me that Gatuso came close to touching him.

4:01: Mommy, when I grow up I want a Red, White, and Green afro.

4:04: Rules that need to be instituted in Soccer from other sports: Pulling the goalie for the extra-attacker. I mean, France could make it 11 on 11, and could easily keep Italy from getting a shot on the empty net. It’s worth a shot isn’t it (especially seeing as a majority of shots go wide or high when there’s a goalie in the net anyhow).

4:05: All I heard was “the most expensive teenager in the world”. I’d like to let the record show that my girlfriend could give him a run for his money.

4:07: ITALY SCORES AGAIN!!!! It was a terrible free kick by de Rossi but whatever! 2-0.

4:09: According to Trevor (who just called), due to France’s huge problems with racism, their Algerian badly paid workers didn’t leave the country—resulting in their large black community. Needless to say, there is apparently a larger black community than people think.

4:13: I feel that it’s necessary to tell everyone that I’m eating soccer Ritz bits sandwiches. The shape makes me feel like a part of the game.

4:15: Wow. Get up. Nice dive. Seriously.

4:17: The Italian kicked the French Guy first but the Italian guy fell. Get up. Please.

4:19: HOLY CRAP BUFFON!! You’re the man. It’s things like this that make this game exciting! Now all we need is more shots.

4:22: My excitement is done now—William Gallas is injured and out of the game. The most English name in this game is done.

4:25: Ok, so I’ve started to get bored. I’m wondering if there is any plausible way to make Richard Peddie seem like a brilliant hockey mind.

4:28: I’d get excited about that save, but it was French—that means that it’s terrible no matter how nice it was. (If you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm cheering for Italy. Even if I didn't have connections, I will NEVER adopt the French as a culture I can cheer for...)

4:29: Two things: One, I want to be dressed as a gladiator. Two, there is no possible way to make Richard Peddie seem smart.

4:33: The fact that there’s two minutes left and the ball is in the Italian end worries me—if this were a Maple Leafs game I’d be pulling my hair out and contemplating doing shots of Draino.

4:38: And after a confusing few minutes where no one seemed to know how much extra-time was being added, the game ends in a 2-0 Italy wins!

Theirry Henry walks off the field as the Italians celebrate their win as we find out that the Netherlands defeated Romania 2-0! Italy is moving on and we’ll see you in the second round!

Hopefully I didn’t offend too many soccer fans by doing this.