Dear Bud Selig: How You Can Change Baseball for the Better

An Open Letter to Bud Selig

(Author’s note: I am a huge baseball fan, and I absolutely love the game the way it is. But like that really cute girl who wears just a little too much makeup, some small improvements could be made. I don’t want to offend any purists with these suggestions, but they could revolutionize the entire experience of going to a game.)

Dear Mr. Selig,

Let me preface this letter with this: I am one of baseball’s biggest fans. My love for the game has endured a strike, steroids, and an All-Star Game that ended in a tie. It’s safe to say that I’ll stay a fan, unless a bunch of major leaguers decide they want to show up at my house and try to kill me.

But your game could be so much more exciting. Right now, Major League Baseball is a lot like A New Hope (I wanted to say Jedi, but I can’t stand the ewoks), but it’s the national pastime. It should be The Empire Strikes Back, or whatever the opposite of Godfather III is.

So listen to some of these suggestions. I’ve suffered through several Kansas City Royals games in my day, you owe me that much.

1. Allow pitchers to retaliate.

If Don Drysdale were playing today, he would get ejected a lot. He was, for lack of a better term, mean. Didn’t sprint around the bases after hitting a home run? He’d hit you. Crowd the plate? He’d hit you. Didn’t buy American? You’d better believe he’d hit you.

Today’s rules have taken away the ability of pitchers to protect their teammates. If one of your guys gets hit, your pitcher is left with a difficult decision to make. Do I hit one of theirs and get thrown out of the game, or do I stay away and not stick up for my teammate? Neither option is great.

I’m surprised more pitchers don’t just sit down on the mound and cry after one of their teammates gets hit. So how about giving a warning after the retaliation? Both teams would be even (in theory), and any lingering bad blood would be punished accordingly.

Make an exception for retaliatory beanballs thrown at a batter’s heads (Kyle Farnsworth, I’m looking in your direction.)

2. Allow instant replay on a limited basis.

This would be great—you could retroactively pardon Steve Bartman and punish Jeffrey Maier. I have friends who are Cubs fans who still blame Steve Bartman for that infamous loss, never mind the fact that several people were reaching for that foul ball (standard fan behavior) or that Alex Gonzalez booted an easy double-play ball later in the at-bat (standard Little-League behavior).

MLB could issue an official edict pardoning Bartman, much like a Presidential pardon, only cooler. On the flip side, you could take away the Yankees’ 1996 World Series title based on Maier’s actions. And you may as well take away the 1998, 1999, and 2000 titles as well. We don’t know what would have happened if Tony Tarasco could have caught that ball.

Note to Jeffrey Maier’s parents: What was a young kid doing out in the Bronx at that hour? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

3. The Home Run Derby should be done with aluminum bats.

The NBA All-Star game is an explosion of offense every year. Baseball, not so much. It has plays like Torii Hunter robbing Barry Bonds of home runs. Letting players in the derby use aluminum bats would give the All-Star break some serious fireworks.

Who wouldn’t want to see Miguel Cabrera hitting 600-foot home runs to opposite field off the end of his bat? The ping of aluminum bats would transport fans back to their Little-League days, a time when all they had to worry about was how to find a pack of "Big League Chew" in time for the next game.

4. Ban the sale of all pink MLB merchandise.

Except on Mother’s Day, when pink is out to raise breast-cancer awareness. I am all for that. But I refuse to believe that the 14-year-old girl I saw at the mall the other day was wearing a pink Red Sox jersey because she has strong feelings about breast cancer.

And you’ll notice that Red Sox “fans” seem to be the worst offenders when it comes to pink merchandise. This is because Jimmy Fallon was allowed to do a crappy remake of a good film that was based on a good book. I think you and he owe Nick Hornby an apology. I’m willing to let you off the hook for Fever Pitch though, as long as you get this out of stores ASAP.

5. Make knee socks mandatory for all players.

I don’t have a good reason for this; I just think they look cool.

6. Not all teams need an All-Star.

Remember the 2003 Detroit Tigers? Wish you didn’t? Me too. I love the Tigers, but nothing will ever convince me that those Tigers deserved an All-Star. The only player who had a good season was Dmitri Young (.297, 29 HRs). Are those All-Star caliber numbers? Not exactly.

David Ortiz didn’t make the All-Star team that year, and he finished fifth in the MVP voting. Of course, when your teammates are Shane Halter and Bobby Higginson, it doesn’t take much to look great by comparison.

All I’m saying is that most years, Kansas City and Pittsburgh don’t deserve All-Stars. Fans are paying to see great baseball, not watch Jason Bay lose fly balls in the sun.

So come on, Bud. Implement these changes. They could be the most exciting part of baseball since the Wild Card (well done there!).

It couldn’t hurt the game any more than the strike, threats of contraction, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, B-12 shots, Rafael Palmeiro, Scott Boras, BALCO, greenies, Jose Canseco, and skyrocketing payrolls already have.

Sincerely, 

Joe Guarr