Liver's Week 5 NFL Picks: Packers, Saints, and Cowboys to Cover

Damn you Greg Ryan for cutting my beloved Hope Solo.

In “Must-See TV of the week” news, I bring you David Letterman's exposing Paris Hilton for the dumb shit she is.

If you haven’t seen the interview, check it on YouTube and laugh your ass off.

You almost feel sorry for Paris as Letterman mows her down like Dutch and his commandos cut down the forest in Predator—or Pyke and his Wild Bunch took down Mapache’s gang—but you just HAVE to love it.

In “Epic collapse” news, I bring you the 2007 New York Mets. Don’t feel too bad, Mets fans: I suffered the 2007 Dallas Mavericks playoff collapse.

In “Interesting Emmitt Smith use of the English language” news, I bring you the word  “triculates”—which was supposed to be “trickles.”    

In the “Uncomfortable Emmitt Smith moment of the week,” I bring you Emmitt calling the Patriots a better “golf club” when picking them to win Monday night.

My all-time favorite here is Emmitt picking EIGHT-year veteran, father of nine, and dedicated pothead Travis Henry as his rookie of the year.

Think ESPN wants a do-over on that signing? Emmitt makes the Playmaker look like Peter Jennings.

In “Put the pipe down" news Part 1, did you see the woman Isiah Thomas was convicted of sexually harassing?

Weren’t there any hots working in the MSG office that day, Zeke?

In the “Put the pipe down” news Part 2, Stephen Jackson was named captain of the Golden State Warriors.

I know Nellie is a drunk...but this is beyond comprehension.

In “Every Aggie is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege” news: Did anyone catch Coach Fran’s strange press conference where he was asked if his leaking confidential player info through a booster newsletter costing $1,500 a year might have led to illegal betting on the games?

His answer:

“I told them not to.”

He told them not to.

Sure Fran, that oughta do it.

Franchione, Flip Saunders, and Tom Coughlin should start a corporation called Coaches Who Steal Paychecks, Inc.

Hear that sound, boys and girls? That’s the Liver damaging yet another residence Saturday afternoon...when Texas looks to get their asses kicked by the inbreds from Oklahoma.

I try to be positive about these things, but this is the first year IN MY LIFE I have ZERO confidence in the 'Horns before the Red River Shootout. Colt McCoy shouldn’t even be playing, but being the tough guy he is, he’s gonna throw himself in there...and will be lucky to escape without suffering another concussion.

What’s especially depressing is that in Dallas today I’ve seen at least a dozen cars and trucks with OU flags...and ONE car with a Texas flag. It seems I’m not the only Longhorn who has a sick feeling about this one.

Of course it goes without saying that the following picks AGAINST THE SPREAD are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. The Liver’s picks are to cover the spread, not straight-up winners. Only Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Greg Ryan, all NY Mets fans, Isiah Thomas, Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Vick, Bill Beliprick, and Travis Henry’s nine kids and nine baby-mommas would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks. 

As the Master Control Program says, “There’s a 68.71 percent chance you’re right.”

Last week’s record: 7-7

2007 record against the spread: 27-30-5

Sunday October 7, 2007

Arizona at St. Louis (+3 ½)

Matt Leinart isn’t happy with the revolving QB carousel in Arizona.

Hey, Flower in the Mouth—maybe if you concentrated more on playing than on partying this wouldn’t be happening. You want to be the one your team "lives and dies with"? Go show it during the week.

Maybe Matt gets Mondays confused with Fridays. This is after all the same guy who said that USC won the 2006 National Championship.

Breaking news, Matt: TEXAS WON THE GAME! And you were playing in it!

Looks like those ballroom dancing classes he took at USC really helped out. Maybe he can do a little Spider dance for us from Goodfellas? 

As for St. Louis—you hate to see a team that's the equivalent of a crippled dog this early in the season...especially one that had legitimate playoff hopes.

Pick: Arizona

Cleveland (+16 ½) at New England

Gee, I wonder if New England wins here.

Hell, Belishit won't even need any cameras for this one—he’s got his former defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel on the other sideline.

The NFL may have swept PatriotGate under the rug—but I haven’t, you son of a bitch.

I know that coward Goodell destroyed all the evidence, Bill. You’re safe for now. None of the other owners want the truth to come out because it would ruin the sport. But sooner or later, the PatriotGate tapes WILL COME OUT...and you and your franchise will be exposed.

Your Super Bowls will be worth about as much as a Michael Vick jersey smeared in dog shit.  

See you in a week, asshole.  

By the way, HGH user Rodney Harrison makes his return to the field this week after his suspension.

Pick: Cleveland

Carolina (+3) at New Orleans

New rule: Whenever David Carr starts a game, take the other team to cover. David Carr starts again this week for Carolina.

This is the Saints' season right here. 0-3 is a hole. 0-4 is a death sentence.  

Pick: New Orleans

New York Jets (+3 ½) at New York Giants

It always fascinates me when two teams that play in the same stadium play each other. Does that mean that when a Giants fan gets into a fight with a Jets fan, the Giants fan gets to say, “Whose house you coming into talking that shit?”

I get confused.

Pick: N.Y. Jets

Seattle (+5 ½) at Pittsburgh

This could be one of the more interesting games of the weekend.

Both teams are 3-1 and looking to solidify their positions in their respective divisions. Pittsburgh is coming off a somewhat surprising loss to the Cardinals, while Seattle just destroyed San Francisco.

Seattle might have revenge on their mind for Super Bowl XL, which they feel was reffed away from them. Too bad we can’t watch it unless we have the NFL Sunday Ticket.

Pick: Seattle

Detroit (+3 ½) at Washington

Detroit is 3-1. Let THAT sink in.

All jokes aside, Detroit has an offense that will keep them in nearly every game—see that crazy fourth quarter against the Bears last week for evidence.

I consider the game in Filthy to be an aberration. The Lions' problem is they can’t stop anyone. Luckily for them they face a Washington team coming off a bye and with a banged-up Clinton Portis. 

If Kitna can get the ball to his stud receivers and the Detroit defense loads up the box and stuffs Portis, Detroit could be 4-1.

Good God.

Pick: Detroit

Miami (+5 ½) at Houston

You know how Don Shula and the rest of the geezers from that undefeated team of 1972 pop the champagne when the last of the undefeated teams go down?

Wonder if he’ll pop anything when the Dolphins win their first game. 

Pick: Miami

Atlanta (+8 ½) at Tennessee

Congratulations, Atlanta—you got your first win last week. You’re not going to get many more.

Tennessee and the Amazing Vince are coming off a bye and will look to keep their surprisingly good start going.

Pick: Atlanta

Jacksonville at Kansas City (+2)

My thoughts on this game: I have none.

Kansas City’s offense, while able to beat the Chargers, isn’t going to be that good very often. Jacksonville has a history of losing games they should win.

I think I’d rather listen to Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild singing than watch this one.

Pick: Jacksonville

Tampa Bay (+10) at Indianapolis

TAKE THIS GAME. The Bucs magical mystery tour ends here. No Cadillac Williams. No Luke Petitgout. No chance.

The Colts are a little banged-up, but as of now everyone is playing.

Pick: Indianapolis

San Diego (+1 ½) at Denver

Hear that typing sound, boys and girls?

That’s the sound of Norv Turner and Ted Cottrell working on the resumes.

Hear that crashing sound, boys and girls?

That’s the Liver punching a hole in his wall because his Super Bowl picks are a combined 1-6.

Smell that pungent odor, boys and girls?

That’s the marijuana advocates in Denver putting up a billboard to encourage the Broncos to sign Ricky Williams.

I’m sure with Travis Henry testing positive for the marijuana cigarette and possibly facing a one-year suspension, the Broncos will be more than happy to pick up Ricky.

Damn, I’m hungry.

Pick: Denver

Baltimore at San Francisco (+3 ½)

The 49ers were already shaky on offense. Now Alex Smith is out for a month—maybe more.

Baltimore, however, has been showing their age and aren't nearly as good as people thought they’d be. It’s doubtful that Frank Gore will be able to run much against the Ravens, so Trent Dilfer will need to get the Delorean up to 88 and go back in time.

While his physical skills have diminished, Dilfer does know the Ravens (he won a Super Bowl with them), and is an intelligent QB who doesn’t make mistakes that cost his team games.

Pick: San Francisco

Chicago (+3) at Green Bay

Bet this game looked a lot better before the season started.

Green Bay has been by far the surprise in the NFC, particularly when you realize that they’ve been doing it with defense so far rather than offense.

I’m sure the networks are happy they can cream over Brett Favre and his record-breaking moments every week. No offense, but I’m already sick of hearing Madden talking about him.

Meanwhile, the Bears' season continues to unravel. Brian Griese didn’t fare much better than Rex, and their defense cratered in the fourth quarter against Detroit last week.

You can stick a fork in them if they lose this one.

Pick: Green Bay

Monday October 8, 2007

Dallas at Buffalo (+10)

I’ll admit it—I’m already looking ahead to next week.

Buffalo is the AFC version of St. Louis—they're just plain BEAT UP. Now they have backups to backups tearing calf muscles.

Trent Edwards looked decent in his start last week, but then again they played the Jets. Sorry Buffalo, but you’re 31st in offense and 32nd in defense. I just hope the Cowboys aren’t looking ahead like I am.

This will be Buffalo’s first prime-time appearance in 14 years, so the crowd will be fired up—especially given the love-love relationship between Buffalo fans and Dallas.

I’m sure those sweet memories of 1993, 1994, and 1999 (Hull’s foot was in the crease, by the way) will dance in their minds.

Dallas should go in there, open up the Death Blossom, and be done with it.

Pick: Dallas