Line of Best Fit for England and Arsene Wenger

If whispers are to be believed, lukewarm perhaps best describes Arsene Wenger’s interest in the England manager’s job. Like a forgotten cup of coffee in the morning, it is a vacancy likely to sit stewing for a while before anyone, at least of merit, accepts that it is better than nothing. Piping hot, it is not. 

Gareth Southgate doesn’t fancy it even on an interim basis. With the CVs of Kevin Keegan, Steve McClaren, Fabio Capello and now Roy Hodgson having suffered irreparably upon accepting the most poisoned of chalice, it has become the job everyone says they’d love but nobody actually wants. A bit like the Prime Minister gig, despots and the delusional need only apply.

Perhaps only Terry Venables in recent times has seen his reputation grow after taking it on. For the Glenn Hoddle revisionists coughing at the back, it’s worth recalling his offensive views about disabled people that got him the sack. England had started their Euro 2000 qualifying campaign in fairly dismal fashion and needed a play-off to eventually make the finals after his departure.

And then there’s this type of stuff, as recalled by Gary Neville, per Paul Chronnell of the Guardian: "One of the masseurs told me Glenn [Hoddle] had asked the staff to walk around the pitch anti-clockwise during the game against Argentina to create positive energy. Sadly, it didn't do us much good."

It would take more than Eileen Drewery to convince Wolves supporters he wasn’t anything other than a disaster in his last management job, some 10 years ago.

He's not short of high-profile backers among former players, though. Gary Lineker, Michael Owen, Alan Shearer, Paul Ince, Paul Merson and Ian Wright have all spoken highly of Hoddle, while current odds have him way up the list of candidates at 5/1, per Oddschecker, in what is a typically fast-moving market.

It is Wenger’s name on the list, though, that is most intriguing. The Football Association’s chief executive Martin Glenn recently gave his opinion on Wenger, per Mark Ogden of the Independent: "Has Arsene got a fantastic understanding of the Premier League, of English players, of the English media, of the expectations of England? Absolutely. So would you rule him out? Probably not. He might not want it."

Given Wenger has previously stated a long-held belief the England manager should be English and has purportedly rejected the FA’s soft overtures in the past, it seems unlikely even the most anglicized of Frenchmen would give the position more than polite consideration.

In a rare interview outside of the obligatory pre- and post-match fare, Wenger spoke to the Independent in 2010 of his main frustration at living and coaching in England.

His "accentuated foreignness," as his interviewer Charles Nevin puts it, can at times expose an acute lack of sophistication in an English football bubble that too often errs on the side of, and beyond, xenophobia: "It's the kind of racial abuse that is a hate of difference. I ask you the question: do you need to hate the other club to love your club?"

One suspects the current political climate in England will not be to his taste when he returns from broadcasting duties for French television. 

His views on the British press, with whom it is fair to say he has an up-and-down relationship, would unlikely improve either were he to take the job: "In some ways England is more liberal than France, but I also find it more intrusive. But when you go abroad you have to accept the ways of where you live. I have to respect that."

Whether he would respect the hilarity of having his head superimposed on an onion by a tabloid every time England lost is a moot point.

Only last week he stated a belief that managing France had in all likelihood now passed him by. Peter Hill-Wood, who appointed Wenger as Arsenal manager in 1996, has gently reminded his old friend he is not a young man, per John Cross of the Daily Mirror: "I want him to stay at Arsenal. He is not a young chicken. He is 66 and he would be 67 when his contract is up and turn 69 a few months after the next World Cup. It is quite senior to be in that sort of role."

Yet, for all that, his contractual situation at Arsenal, where he has a year left to run on his existing deal amid widespread criticism of his side's annual choke last season, gives the FA cause for optimism of convincing Wenger to make his 20th year in north London his last.

Southgate's reluctance to take the job for 12 months on an interim basis gives the FA a headache should they pursue Wenger, but finding a caretaker boss for four World Cup qualifying matches is not something said to unduly worry them.

Nick Miller, in a piece for Football365 this week, pondered: "If the primary aim is to improve England’s mental ability in high-pressure situations, and Wenger is viewed as the answer, then maybe it’s time to rethink things."

It’s a fair point, but given the alternatives, even stylish failure under Wenger holds quite the allure. If Wenger could make England as bad as Arsenal, there will be few complaints. At the minute, with one knockout win in a tournament in 10 years, against Ecuador, and 10 in total since 1966, it has been an aeon since England were even close to choking with elan.

"Football is an art, like dancing is an art—but only when it's well done does it become an art," is one of Wenger’s most oft-repeated quotes. England in France were painting with crayons. Wenger may not have a plan B, but at least his plan A is easy on the eye.

The Iceland game was a new nadir. There’s a clock on the wall at St George's Park preposterously marking the day England will win the 2022 World Cup. At this rate, England might be lucky to qualify. England need a reality check. At the very least, an erudite Wenger would probably take one look at it and order it be taken down.

The FA has to appoint a manager who thinks they are lucky to have him, rather than the other way around. Other than perhaps Claudio Ranieri, and maybe at a push Laurent Blanc (prior to leaving Paris Saint-Germain), there is not a name among the other candidates who would not see the England job as a major step up from where they are now. International football may no longer be the pinnacle of a coach’s career, but it shouldn’t be the golden ticket either.

Now is not the time for Eddie Howe. Hoddle had his time. It will never be the time for Alan Pardew or Sam Allardyce. Both are good managers, neither is close to outstanding. A summer that has seen Jose Mourinho, Pep Guardiola and Carlo Ancelotti all take new jobs leaves Wenger as the standout candidate. Certainly no manager would enjoy not having to deal with transfers as much as Wenger. 

Large swathes of Arsenal supporters may disagree, but Wenger’s signature would be a coup, a statement of intent after tournaments under Hodgson where first England showed resilience if a lack of flair at Euro 2012, before drowning under waves of expectation far too strong for brittle minds and bodies in the two that followed.

A young squad needs a manager whom they know is capable of making them better as individuals and as a collective. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Carl Jenkinson, Kieran Gibbs and perhaps even Theo Walcott may beg to differ, but Wenger’s record in both giving youth its chance, and developing it, is second to none.

His views on coaching English players, from the aforementioned Independent interview, could prove prescient should he ever take the reins: "English players are as easy to coach. The problem is that the Premier League has the best players in the world, and statistically not all of them can be born in England. But we don't have enough English players: we are working very hard on it."

Wenger is said to have reservations about the Football Association’s overarching vision. He need not worry; they haven’t got one.

Whether they have the gumption to not only pursue a candidate of the Frenchman’s calibre, let alone land him, remains to be seen.

A selection panel headed up by Glenn, the FA's technical director Dan Ashworth and vice-chairman David Gill is seemingly canvassing opinion from pretty much anyone who has ever purchased a pair of shorts with the intention of using them in a sporting capacity. There may well be a second referendum in the UK before the end of the year, but it’s unlikely to be the one many are praying for.

"It's the old joke, 'What's a camel? It's a horse designed by committee'," Glenn said, via PA Sport (h/t ESPN FC), before confirming he was starting a committee: "You'll have 55 different opinions in this room about who should be manager, but we are going to use the opinions, and wisdom and insight of current managers, former managers and players. There's going to be a broader process of consultation."

The Guardian's Dominic Fifield and John Plunkett reported the FA is talking to Frank Lampard, Scott Parker, Joe Cole and Phil Neville, while Glenn has said senior internationals such as Wayne Rooney, Gary Cahill and Joe Hart will also be consulted. Other media outlets, including the Telegraph and the Guardian, believe the likes of Shearer, Lineker and Graeme Le Saux could all be involved. The views of Hodgson and Gary Neville will also be considered.

Simon Cowell wasn’t joking when he warned he was going to shake up this year’s panel of X-Factor judges. Wenger’s face will be a picture when guest judge Sinitta wanders into his interview wearing nothing but a bikini made up of dried apple peel.

David Conn’s excellent, if largely depressing, piece in the Guardian this week proffered the view: "Football is our national game and has always reflected the country’s broader social and economic themes."

It has certainly rung true over the past few days. Glenn, the man ultimately responsible for appointing the next England manager, used Hodgson’s toe-curling final press conference to concede he is "no football expert." Twice. Dear God.

It can only be a matter of days before Boris Johnson is invited on to the panel. We’ll never get a fifth series of The Thick of It while England continues to parody itself.

Sat next to Glenn was a washed-out looking Hodgson. "I’m not sure why I’m here," he said, sounding like the start of an Alan Bennett monologue.

Conn is right: On a social, sporting and economic level, England is in absolute shambles.

Glenn might not be an expert on football, but he knows his biscuits. Prior to joining the FA, he was CEO at United Biscuits, apparently a £1 billion company that is home to the McVitie’s and Jacobs brands. They might never get Allardyce out of the interview room.

In his defence, Glenn is an FA-qualified grassroots coach and was a board member at Leicester City between 2002-06. In a previous life, he killed off Captain Birdseye, too; so don’t let the chirpy demeanour fool you. Glenn’s as ruthless as they come. Roy never stood a chance.

Engaging with current internationals over who should succeed Hodgson is unlikely to placate a growing public consensus, which deems today’s stars as being idolised out of all proportion by English football’s policy makers. Jamie Carragher’s blazing rhetoric in the Daily Mail about academies, and the molly-coddled kidults they routinely spawn, has struck a cord with many.

It is a view, though, that omits to mention England failed to even qualify for World Cups in 1974, 1978 and 1994.

Few would dispute men were most definitely still men back then, wearing the same boots down the pit as they did on the field. Yet when reports start to surface of players not being best pleased with how plump the duvets were at the two Michelin-starred, £500-a-night Auberge du Jeu de Paume hotel they were based at in France (via the Guardian’s Daniel Taylor), it’s hard not to feel Carragher may have a point. 

Given Hart had three things to do in France and royally ballsed them all up, he’s doing pretty well to still have the ear of the FA. Unless he’s raising concerns over the Teflon-plated gloves he was given to wear by England’s kit man at the start of the tournament, it’s difficult to see why his opinion is being sought.

It has been reported England’s players would not be averse to the appointment of a foreign coach. Quelle surprise! Being told you’re a "useless b-----d" in French, Spanish or German must be so much easier on the ears than in English.

A list of English candidates comprising Allardyce, Hoddle, Southgate, Pardew, Howe and Steve Bruce reads like a list of contenders for the West Bromwich Albion job if they made a slow start next season and sacked Tony Pulis. To go back to Conn, an obsession with Englishness doesn’t seem to be going too great outside of the closeted world of football and its brethren.

The departing chairman of the FA, Greg Dyke, thought to favour Hoddle but in command of an ever-decreasing level of power, has been giving the job the hard sell this week, per the Telegraph:

"It’s got to be somebody who really knows English football," he said. Good point.

"But Martin made clear you go for the best person." That’s the spirit.

"The harder question is why anybody would want it." Oh.

Wenger may be the line of best fit for England, but whether England are the line of best fit for Wenger is another question entirely.

Still if Dyke keeps bigging the job up, you never know.