Premier League Hangover: Extraordinary End to the Most Extraordinary of Seasons

So much for a quiet weekend. A season of extraordinary seismic shifts deserved a remarkable send-off; no one could have anticipated just quite how remarkable it would prove to be.

It wasn't Michael Thomas remarkable in 1989, or Sergio Aguero remarkable in 2012. It was eerily remarkable. The sight of two of Old Trafford’s four stands completely empty at 2.50 p.m., just 10 minutes from kick-off, was quietly frightening.

Around 20,000 supporters had been evacuated from the old Stretford End, as well as the adjacent Sir Alex Ferguson Stand, to forge a mass of red on concourses outside the ground. Those still inside turned to their phones to seek further clarity on what was going on.

At 3.15 p.m., the game was abandoned as the club confirmed police were investigating a suspect package in the north-west quadrant at Old Trafford.

Later in the day a controlled explosion took place as Greater Manchester Police confirmed, via the Telegraph's Luke Brown and James Ducker, that the package—thought to be a mobile phone device attached to gas pipes in the men's toilets in the northwest corner of the stadium—was in fact an "incredibly lifelike explosive device."

Given how the story eventually panned out, it would have been more fitting had it been a black bowling ball with "BOMB" written across it in white.

When it came to light what had actually happened, it was a tale that would have been rejected on the grounds of being too far-fetched had it been pitched in a sitcom’s writers room.

Try to imagine the Guardian's Helen Pidd's description of Sunday’s events as a television listing for a Dad's Army episode, and then attempt not to roll your eyes: "A fake bomb planted by a security company as part of a training exercise at Old Trafford caused the cancellation of Manchester United’s final Premier League game of the season when the firm forgot to take it away."

By all accounts, the professionalism of the police and stewards, along with the calmness and cooperation of the supporters during the evacuation, was impeccable. On the flip side, it’s safe to say several members of staff at both Manchester United and the forgetful "security" firm will have been burning the midnight oil updating their CVs on Sunday evening.

It seems remarkable no one at the club, seven hours into the ordeal, thought to say: "Remember those bomb guys we had in the other day planting fake devices all around the ground, you don't suppose it could be something to do with them?"

"Nah, those blokes were just particularly butch dog show handlers. Don't you remember laughing at those sniffy dogs that must have had colds?"

Text message exchanges between members of the "security" team must be gold. 

You got the TV on Dave? Ring me ASAP.

DON’T PANIC, I CAN FIX IT!

Please don’t tell me…

I got caught short when getting that last one down from the bog. I was sat on the throne reading a programme someone had left when the gaffer was shouting about the van setting off. Didn’t even have time to wipe…LOL

It seems funny now, in a disconcerting kind of way, yet to watch it play out live, and see the fallout on social media, it was as though the abandonment was due to someone letting off a stink bomb.

Oh how we joked of nothing happening in a first half at Old Trafford yet again; such hilarity was had as we outdid one another with gags about how suspected attacks were likely to come to nothing under Louis van Gaal.

Without wishing to be overly pious, given the threat level to the UK from international terrorism remains at severe (meaning an attack is highly likely), banter about suspect packages, controlled explosions, and "operation red code" seemed a little misplaced.

I suspect it wasn't all that amusing in Manchester.

Meanwhile, over in Swansea...

Michael Steele/Getty Images

It had been expected the final day would meander to its conclusion, with the remaining issues still to be resolved reduced to mere vestiges in comparison to all that had preceded.

Even the most enthusiastic of television presenters were struggling to get into obligatory shouty-mode over Manchester’s Battle Royale for fourth place and the final UEFA Champions League spot. Few thought Manchester City would do anything but swallow the point they needed while trying to stifle a yawn at Swansea City.

And in truth, if you take the drama from Old Trafford out of the equation, it was fairly routine. Manchester City got the job done in Swansea without any of their players muddying holiday shorts. A 1-1 draw in the golden glow of South Wales saw City get the required result with a shrug.

At full-time, Manuel Pellegrini and Yaya Toure were arm-in-arm walking towards the sunset, looking like a modern day take on Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It would be a surprise were the latter not to follow his mate out of the door by the time pre-season training comes round again.  

Given Pellegrini has stopped picking him of late, that they were so chummy says much about where Toure is currently at in his career.

There's a feeling with this set of players that had Swansea grabbed a late winner it would have been forgotten by the time they were back on the road to Manchester. 

If ever a season could be summarised by a single game this was probably it. An emphatic start saw City take the lead, before familiar failings both in terms of profligacy going forward, and then frailties at the back, ensured City finished the campaign with their lowest points tally for seven seasons. 

It's hard to think of many more than half a dozen City players who will be safe when Pep Guardiola arrives in Manchester over the summer.

Joe Hart (even amid talk Guardiola is unsure whether he's good enough with his feet), David Silva (despite a poor season), Raheem Sterling (see Silva), Fernandinho, Kevin De Bruyne, Kelechi Iheanacho, and Sergio Aguero should all be keepers, while Vincent Kompany may be given a stay of execution as captain. Other than that, though, few in City's ranks will have convinced Guardiola of their respective capabilities, over a wretched run of form since he was confirmed as Pellegrini's successor in February.

Graeme Souness on punditry duty for Sky Sports was seething. He hates Manchester City's languidness more than anything else in the Premier League. 

Due to the evacuation of Old Trafford, the broadcasters were filming live from the car park. Stood up, Souness was dwarfed by leggy Sky anchor Ed Chamberlain and fellow pundits Thierry Henry and Jamie Carragher. He looked all the more menacing for it, like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Had he reached for his pen to make a point, Chamberlain looked as though he would have made a run for it. He's not scared of suspect packages, but angry Scots are a different proposition altogether.

Watching Carragher trying to stifle a giggle whenever his old manager goes off on one has been one of the highlights of the season. It's the way he always says "I agree" whenever Souness puts him on the spot, like a callow child asked whether they believe in God by an over zealous religious education teacher with a fiery temper.  

"I'm slightly irritated by it," said Souness of City's lacklustre performance, looking and sounding like a man who's not usually prone to be slightly irritated by anything. It wouldn't have been a surprise had any of City's underperforming stars returned home to Manchester to find Souness sat at the end of their bed wearing nothing but a thousand yard stare, while repeatedly asking "Are you a big player? Answer me that."

Pep Guardiola won't be as menacing as Souness, but he'll be just as ruthless. 

Long goodbye for Terry at Chelsea (despite the fact he'll probably be there next season)

It all seemed a bit odd at Stamford Bridge. The game, an engaging 1-1 draw between dethroned champions Chelsea and their usurpers Leicester City if anyone is interested, was very much a footnote to the day’s main event.

A maudlin appreciation for John Terry had the security forces on standby again, as west London braced itself to be flooded by blue tears. Given Chelsea have offered him a new one-year contract (albeit on reduced terms, with no guarantees over playing time), and he’s indicated a desire stay, it was hard to ascertain exactly what was being celebrated, or mourned.

Are we at the stage now where star players at the end of one contract, while negotiating another, are given an emotional farewell just in case they end up buggering off? It seems a bit like holding a wake for someone about to do a parachute jump; on the grounds it would be sad not to have said goodbye should it not open for whatever reason. I half expected a hearse to pull up with JT spelt out in forget-me-nots. He should join West Ham United, they'd put on a light show for him. 

Roman Abramovich's face breaking into a rictus smile when Terry got on the microphone and professed his desire to stay, cue delirious chanting from the crowd, was a picture. All the while the Russian was surreptitiously typing into his phone a group email, cc'ing in all members of staff: "£1 million bonus to anyone who can shut down the sound, or get him off that bloody mic."

Chelsea have hardly covered themselves in glory over how they have handled the potential departure of a player who was suspended on Sunday due to a red card against Sunderland last weekend, in what could prove to be his last of 703 appearances. It's not hard to see why he's felt put out by the fact he's only been offered a contract now, despite going public about the club's reticence to keep him at the turn of the year.

From a neutral's perspective, Terry still seems to split opinion. You either dislike him a little, or a lot.

With Claudio Ranieri it's a more a case of you either love him a little, or a lot. 

A crisper and classier marking of Ranieri’s remarkable achievement at Leicester City this season saw former employers Chelsea present him with a silver plate before kick-off. Affable as ever, the Italian resisted the temptation to flick Abramovich the bird, as Chelsea’s owner joined everybody else rising to salute the first manager he ever sacked back in 2004.

Ranieri’s 11-year journey from Chelsea to Leicester saw him navigate seven pit stops en route to the champions. It's been a long-time coming for the Premier League's most charming man. 

Both he and Leicester deserve each and every plaudit that has been lauded on them. 

Without question, it's been the greatest Premier League story ever told, in the most extraordinary of seasons. 

Spursy to the last, Tottenham somehow finish third

 
And on the other side of north London...

Newcastle make compelling case to Rafa Benitez

Toffees say goodbye to bona fide Everton legend

 
Koeman hails job well done as Saints go marching on

Watford fans salute departing boss Quique Sanchez Flores