12 Footballers You'd Love to See in a WWE-Style Royal Rumble
The 2016 Royal Rumble will kick off the WWE's tournament season on Sunday, with 29 of wrestling's finest attempting to take the WWE Heavyweight Championship belt from former American football star Roman Reigns.
The worlds of WWE and football have plenty in common: They both require impressive physical conditioning, feature dramatic and unpredictable twists and, crucially, involve plenty of playacting.
Here, we've listed 10 stars from the beautiful game that we would like to see involved in a Royal Rumble. We've portrayed them as faces (heroes) or heels (villains) and even given them stage names for good measure.
And that's the bottom line...coz Bleacher Report says so!
Cristiano Ronaldo
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Cristiano has never been too much of a fighter, but it's hard to imagine him passing up the opportunity to wear a tiny pair of hot pants in front of a large crowd.
Just imagine the entrance the Real Madrid superstar would make: As Shawn Michaels' "Sexy boy" theme plays, the Portuguese star makes his way down the ramp. He's accompanied by a gaggle of Brazilian models and, of course, his manager Jorge Mendes, carrying his belts and moisturisers while screaming "yeah baby!" through a megaphone.
He poses for a quick Instagram selfie with Cristiano Jr. ringside, before throwing off his sequined CR7 cape and sliding into the ring—leaving a thick trail of baby oil in his wake.
(None of this would be practical for a Royal Rumble entrance, but Ronaldo would have it stipulated in his contract, along with an Anchorman-style "no touching of the hair or face" rule).
The former World Player of the Year might not last too long in the ring but could use his freakish jumping ability to simply leap out of the way of oncoming wrestlers.
The price of the ticket would be worth it alone to see the unimpressed look he would give as he was eventually tossed from the ring.
Heel or face: Heel for the Lionel Messi fans; face for everyone else.
Stage name: Cris "The Portuguese Man o' Abs" Ronaldo
Luis Suarez
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There's no more successful villain in world football right now than Luis Suarez.
Undoubtedly among the very best strikers in the world, the Uruguayan has become a cartoonish figure of hate for his cheating, alleged racism and propensity to behave like a toddler and bite his opponents.
These traits would serve the Barcelona man well in the dog-eat-dog (pun not intended) world of the Royal Rumble. After landing a few low blows on the popular characters in the ring, Suarez could practise his signature move: the four-molar shoulder lock.
As you may have guessed, this involves biting someone behind the referee's back and falling on the floor in pretend agony. He already showed us this one works well at the World Cup.
If the script writers really wanted to get the adrenaline pumping, they could follow Suarez's entrance to the ring with Patrice Evra and Giorgio Chiellini...
Face or heel: That'll be heel, obviously
Stage name: The Million Dollar (Fine) Man
Wayne Rooney
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Wayne Rooney has already floored Wade Barrett with a slap on WWE Raw, so imagine what the Manchester United man who could if he actually used his fist in the ring!
The England striker has often spoken about his passion for boxing, and his temperament seems perfect for the high-adrenaline world of professional wrestling. But could he cut it in a Royal Rumble? Possibly not. Rooney has a history of putting up consistent, record-breaking numbers but has failed to deliver at major tournaments. The same rule would probably apply to his wrestling career.
At a Rumble, Roo would probably last a matter of seconds if Phil Bardsley was also in the ring.
Heel or face: Face until he is eliminated, at which point he becomes a scapegoat for the frustrations of the entire country.
Stage name: Bulk Hogan
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
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As a man who loves martial arts almost as much as he loves aggrandising his own reputation, Zlatan is a perfect candidate for a scripted Battle Royal.
The talismanic Swede has shown that he is a physical match for any of his contemporaries and isn't scared to get a bit rough with his allies. Thanks to his larger-than-life character, his constant references to himself in the third person and his physical prowess, Zlatan would be a fan favourite—even if he was cast as a villain.
A key aspect of his character could be his passionate, burning hatred for Pep Guardiola. In the same manner as Biff Tannen asking Marty McFly if he is a chicken, an opponent in the Rumble could rile up his spirits by saying: "What's the matter? You some kind of Pep Guardiola?"
Cue carnage.
Heel or face: Face-turned-heel-turned-face (ad infinitum)
Stage name: Zlatan doesn't do stage names.
Clint Dempsey
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When Clint Dempsey reacted to a referee's decision by ripping up his notebook in the US Open Cup last year, he showed he already has the penchant for the dramatic that is a requirement of WWE wrestlers.
The American forward isn't a stranger to confrontation. He can take a kick to the face like a pro and knows how to establish a feud with opponents after breaking their jaws.
The quality that most highlights his wrestling potential, however, might be his rapping skills. By taking on his alter ego "The Deuce," Dempsey could put the likes of John Cena and The Rock to shame while spitting rhymes.
In the ring, his signature move could be some kind of elbow drop that could be referred to as "Dropping a Deuce." Actually, we might need to work on that name...
Heel or face: A face who becomes a heel when he falls out with his unpopular manager Jurgen Klinsmann.
Stage name: Rowdy Rapping Striker
Jamie Vardy
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All great wrestlers have a great catchphrase.
- "The best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be!"
- "Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?"
- "To be the man, you gotta beat the man!"
Surely, we can add a new catchphrase to the great WWE pantheon: "Chat s--t, get banged!"
As a player who rose from the very bottom of the game to the very top, Jamie Vardy represents some key values of the American Dream. The Leicester striker also showed he is keen to fight for what's right in his youth, getting a criminal conviction for assault while protecting the honour of a deaf friend.
If these qualities cannot win over an arena full of salt-of-the-earth wrestling fans, then nothing can.
Vardy would be a much better option for the Rumble than his teammate Riyad Mahrez: Judging by his recent penalties, he would probably miss the ring entirely.
Heel or face: Face. Big time.
Stage name: Hacksaw Jim Vardy
Steven Gerrard
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Steven Gerrard is a hero for many, and the former Liverpool midfielder (allegedly) knows how to throw a punch. The LA Galaxy man could fill a veteran hero role in the mould of Triple H (who used to be a face).
The scriptwriters would undoubtedly have Stevie G enter the ring early in the contest and stay right up until the final two competitors. Just when it looks like the WWE World Heavyweight Championship is his to lose, Captain Fantastic slips over and is forcefully ejected.
Either that, or he would come in swinging and get thrown out 38 seconds later.
Heel or face: A hapless face
Stage name: The British Falldog
Adebayo Akinfenwa
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As the strongest footballer in all the land—who can reportedly bench-press 180 kilograms—Adebayo Akinfenwa is a natural fit for the squared circle.
The AFC Wimbledon striker would also be a strong favourite at Royal Rumble, mainly because it would take a gargantuan effort to get his 16-stone heft over the top rope!
Even if he was the first one in the ring, one could imagine the 33-year-old sitting in the middle of the ring, casually batting away clotheslines and piledrivers while daydreaming of his next Nando's visit.
As for Beast Mode? You wouldn't like Bayo in Beast Mode.
Heel or face: Lovable face
Stage name: Triple Breakfast
Pepe
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With his combative style and frequent tendency to lose his temper in a furious rage, it's far to say that Pepe approaches most football matches as if they were Royal Rumbles.
Giving the Portuguese defender an outlet to express his indignation without the consequence of a ban would be a brilliant—but highly dangerous—spectacle.
The sight of the Real Madrid star running toward the ring would probably make a few other competitors jump straight out for fear of being caught up in his whirlwind of unexplained angst.
Folding chairs would be employed. Broken glass would be smuggled in. Frankly, his antics would make Vince McMahon look like a choir boy. And if he is not arrested before the conclusion, he could certainly go home with the belt.
Heel or face: Definite heel!
Stage name: Big E-jit
Jack Wilshere
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As a 5'7" footballer who loves fighting with people who are much bigger than him, Jack Wilshere is the human equivalent of Scooby's nephew, Scrappy-Doo.
With his fearless approach and inability to realise when he is in over his head, the Arsenal midfielder is the ideal candidate for an organised mass brawl.
However, it seems unlikely that the talented midfielder would even make it into the ring. After taking one last drag on a cigarette, Wilshere would run down the ramp toward the stage...and pull up with a calf injury a few feet from the ropes.
Heel or face: Face. His heels are too fragile.
Stage name: The Smoking Skull
Hulk
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He is one of the most powerful players in the game and shares his name with a Marvel superhero—Hulk has all the hallmarks of a king of the ring.
The Zenit Saint Petersburg star would have to take advantage of his unusually large derriere for his signature move. One could imagine several Royal Rumblers being eliminated thanks to the "two-cheek flying Samba smash."
Heel or face: Face
Stage name: There's not much more you can do with Hulk.
Diego Costa
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If there is anyone who is well-versed in the dark art of trying to con a referee, it's Diego Costa.
The Brazilian-born brawler was brought up on the streets, which is where he learned to tackle hard and pretend to be injured even harder.
Just imagine the chorus of boos that would ring out as Costa punches an opponent in the groin for the sixth time or when he throws sand in his own eyes, pretending it was the work of another competitor.
The Chelsea striker could be successful in a Royal Rumble. Unless he is led out to the ring by his manager Jose Mourinho, in which case he would probably just jog around for a while before anonymously slipping over the top rope.
Heel or face: Heel!
Stage name: The Underfaker
