Premier League Hangover: Van Gaal Earns Manchester United Stay of Execution

From the Theatre of Dreams, via the Theatre of Daydreams, to the Theatre of the Absurd. Louis van Gaal is hooked up to a life-support machine, and hawkers outside Old Trafford are already peddling Manchester United scarves emblazoned with a mug shot of Jose Mourinho.

Prescient, premature or plain perverse? One suspects it may be all three.

Manchester United's board could still flat-line Van Gaal's tenure at any time, but the growing feeling is it will be by his own hand should another headstone be required. Monday's stalemate with Chelsea was a sixth 0-0 draw in 14 matches and a seventh of the season. Since April, Van Gaal's side have failed to score in 11 of their 26 league fixtures.

A goalless draw at home would have made a fitting epithet: "I came, I saw, I conquered drew 0-0."

Avoiding a fifth straight defeat should be enough to stave off the threat of the sack for now, though. Van Gaal failed to prove he has fixed the problem, but his players showed they might not be irretrievably broken. Had United lost, it would have been their worst run of defeats in a single season since 1936.

Ed Woodward is too good at making money to be worried about his position at the club, yet if the blood of Van Gaal is pooled with David Moyes', he could start to look like Lady Macbeth in a pinstripe suit. That's not a good image for an executive vice-chairman. Indeed, two disastrous appointments in succession could see him moved further upstairs, with only an abacus for company.

The Dutchman has been as effusive in his praise for Woodward as the Glazers' main man has been for the manager. A straight man and a maverick loudmouth in bed together, then—well, it couldn't be more Odd Couple had Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau swapped New York for Manchester.

Given his side's winless run is now extended to eight games, the Dutchman stopped short of breaking out into a "Louis, Louis" chant, but a bullish rhetoric post-match, relayed per the Guardian, suggests Manchester morticians need not rush back to work before the turn of the year:

"

Will I resign? On the contrary. When the players can give such a performance with a lot of pressure, there is not any reason to resign for me. Maybe the media wants me to but I shall not resign. It's not a question of staying. It's a question of fulfilling my contract. ...

Inside the club the players are willing to fight for every metre, the manager is willing to fight, the members of staff are willing to fight and the board is very confident in the staff and the manager so it is not inside Manchester United.

"

When quizzed pre-match by BT Sport on what he thought about the soap opera-style speculation over his compatriot's future, Chelsea's interim boss Guus Hiddink shrugged and smiled: "The job in England is beautiful, but also difficult. There's a lot of pressure going on always. It's nice, it's a kind of theatre, and there's a lot of pressure."

It takes more than a bit of gossip to rile the cool uncle who lets you drink at parties when you're 12. One journalist had described the two managers as being like a cavalier and roundhead. Van Gaal was definitely referred to as something similar to the latter after the Wolfsburg game.

In the studio (h/t Bleacher Report), Paul Scholes raked his trademark studs down the calf of one of the city's more entrepreneurial knitters, when Grinch-like tendencies saw him opine, "Not quite sure what that clown is doing there." Later in the evening Wayne Rooney did likewise on Oscar, albeit on a more literal level.

United's defeat at Stoke City was bloated and lethargic to the point it needed only an elderly relative to attempt to fast-forward highlights of a dull second half and end up in 2019 for it to have been the quintessential Boxing Day performance. Expectations for Chelsea were lower than the hope that this year's turkey would prove to be anything more than a poor man's chicken.

Whether United's display against Chelsea was a significant improvement or simply an improvement largely depends on whether you see the glass as half-full or half-empty. Most supporters probably see it as plain empty. What has passed already this season has given rise to drinking the bar, breweries and city dry.

United conclude the calendar year bottom of the Premier League form guide, over the past six matches, and out of both the Champions League and Capital One Cup.

Post-Sir Alex Ferguson, United have been trapped in a musical penned by Salford's favourite bard, Steven Patrick Morrissey.

A cursory glance at his writing credits with the Smiths alone can provide a perfect soundtrack to this season's malaise on the red side of Manchester: "Sleep," "Girlfriend in a Coma," "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now," "How Soon Is Now?," "I Know It's Over," "I Started Something I Couldn't Finish," "I Want the One I Can't Have," "Miserable Lie," "Money Changes Everything," "Nowhere Fast," "Panic," "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want," "Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before," "This Joke Isn't Funny Anymore," Unlovable," "What Difference Does It Make?," "Work Is a Four Letter Word," "You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby," "Suffer Little Children."

To think his solo work is even more miserable.

The general consensus seems to be that Monday's draw with Chelsea showed at least a flicker of life, but let's not forget that this was a performance heavily caveated by the fact the champions are three points shy of the relegation zone and 19 off the summit. Chelsea last won away in the Premier League on August 23.

All crises are relative, and that which is being in played out in west London tops its northern counterpart considerably. Cesc Fabregas' absence was attributed to a high temperature, with murmurs of a transfer request having been submitted swiftly denied. Maybe he really does love Mourinho after all. What price on both Cesc and Jose swapping the London Underground for Manchester Metrolink by the end of January?

For half an hour, it was as though the ghost of Christmas past had pulled rank over those of the present and future variety. Sir Alex issuing a rally call in a white sheet—there are plenty of clean ones in the Old Trafford laundry room—with Van Gaal and Mourinho clasped in a headlock either side of the Scot, as he reminded a meek and mild dressing room of the club's rich traditions.

By simply passing the ball forward as opposed to sideways, it was as though a metaphorical weight that had hovered over Old Trafford—like the ones 1940s cartoon character Jerry used to drop onto Tom—was instantly lifted. Wide players showed penetration and willingness to gallop rather than trot into space, with the ball shifted as though it may just have an end destination in mind.

A reticence on the part of Chelsea's forward players to track back allowed Ashley Young and Matteo Darmian to advance at will from the full-back positions and overload Chelsea out wide.

The home crowd at United is a knowledgeable one, and while it may be spoilt, it's not stupid. A lack of silverware will be tolerated if the football being played is true to the "Manchester United Way," as attested by the Telegraph's Paul Hayward.

"Attack, attack, attack" should be a simple enough message to remember.

Prior to Monday's game, United had averaged 7.5 shots on goal and 1.25 goals per game, which is the worst in the club's Premier League history. Having liberated £250 million from the coffers, fans are right to expect better than the lowest goals-per-game-rate in over a quarter of a century. A goalless draw will do little to improve such statistics.

That which Van Gaal and his predecessor Moyes have dished up is alien to the club's mantra to the extent it's like turning up to a chip shop and being served an Indian dish. Despite asking for haddock and chips, repeatedly.

Whether Van Gaal unlocked mind-forged manacles or the players released themselves from the Dutchman's tactical shackles is up for debate, but what can barely be disputed is that in the first third of a game that ultimately showed the limitations of both sides, United played with a fluidity, pace, purpose and a simmering anger that has been absent pretty much all season. For the first time in an age, United looked to be proactive rather than reactive.

If the manager needed convincing his players were still willing to play for him, here was a fair attempt at allaying suggestions the dressing room is lost in a manner Mourinho's was at Chelsea. Energy battered inertia into submission, as United moved en masse with purpose as opposed to resembling a collective of pensioners taking an evening stroll at their own pace. It's a measure of how far they have fallen that the simplest of accomplishments can rouse a crowd. Whisper it quietly, but some United supporters even seemed to be enjoying themselves for half an hour.

Within a few minutes the home crowd, quiet before kick-off, were jolted from a slumber induced by a ball-rotation obsession that has the hypnotic qualities of watching a hamster on a wheel (and equally as boring), as Juan Mata's rising drive shuddered off Thibaut Courtois' bar. It would have made for one hell of a blog post had it gone in.

United's playmaker has more reason than most to play Van Gaal out of trouble, as the man who sold him, Mourinho, lurks in the shadows like the sinister bald chap in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Probably holding a cardboard cutout of himself.

It was the recalled Rooney who had set the tone from the kick-off when he chased down a pass back to Courtois. It proved infectious as high pressing was employed throughout, and in the first half at least, it prevented Chelsea from playing out from the back as a harassed back four repeatedly went long. Given Ken Dodd has reported four of his Diddy Men missing, it was no surprise when the home side quickly won back the ball.

David de Gea turned over a thudding header from John Terry athletically as Chelsea briefly rallied, yet there was nothing from the away side in the early sparring that suggested Hiddink would be able to provide a quick fix to the problems he has inherited.

Isolating Anthony Martial against Branislav Ivanovic down United's left manifested a mismatch to such an extent Van Gaal was fortunate not to be yellow-carded for unsporting conduct. The Frenchman joined Mata in lamenting the width of the woodwork when he cut inside Chelsea's fullback with the ease of a Ferrari overtaking a dumper truck, before firing in a daisy-cutter against the post. Prior to Monday, United had hit the woodwork just three times all season.

Why Van Gaal moved Martial to the opposite flank in the final 20 minutes, which coincided with United's least productive period as an attacking unit, is something only the manager can answer.

In the absence of the suspended Diego Costa, who spent his downtime angrily arguing with himself over what was the favourite Christmas present he received, Chelsea primarily employed Eden Hazard as a false nine.

"

Eden Hazard this season ... (Via @Simply_Spurs) https://t.co/YaegojJVGv

— BreatheSport (@BreatheSport) December 28, 2015"

The Belgian dropped a shoulder with aplomb on more than one occasion and demonstrated a willingness to work that exceeded those of his fellow front men. Dainty footwork will not, however, disguise the fact he has failed to register a single goal or assist in his last 11 Premier League matches. The only chart he is topping this season is the one that records wails made when kicked that exceed the decibels emitted from a lighthouse upon spotting a stray canoeist.

It is now 29 games and counting without a goal for last season's Player of the Season. There'll be no need for a dickie bow this year, Eden.

Rooney has been in a similar funk, but many feel his slump in form, contrary to Hazard's, is more terminal than temporal. Throughout his career, United's captain has always been at his worst when he thinks too much. Playing off the cuff, he can elicit the joy of a kid in the street, but when confidence is low and the cogs start turning, his touch turns to that of a toddler giving a Chopin recital wearing boxing gloves.

Taking to the field with a head full of instructions that would leave Stephen Hawking craving a nap is never likely to bring the best from him.

Jon Super/Associated Press

On Monday, his play with his back to goal was as impressive as it has been in a good while. Repeatedly, he linked play with a bullish determination, whereas previously he's had the look of a tourist drunk in a foreign city, such has been the ease in which opposition centre-halves have pickpocketed possession from him. He even rediscovered a capacity to shoot from range, as he stung the palms of Courtois from 25 yards midway through the first half.

As ever with Rooney, opinion on his performance was divisive. Those that bloated his performance to a great one were met with derision equally as hyperbolic. The truth of the matter is that his display was somewhere between the two lines of thought. Good, but not great. Had he converted a late chance on the volley from Cameron Borthwick-Jackson's cross instead of blazing over, praise would have been more unanimous. Mark Robins would have scored.

A fired-up Ander Herrera showed the type of needle and aggression that has been lacking from a robotic United. He would have capped a busy night's work that faded when the game became mired in a midfield no-man's-land scrap after the interval with a goal, were it not for the outstanding Courtois' denying him with his chest from only a few yards out.

For all Van Gaal's suggestions post-match that Chelsea should have been wearing black and white stripes, it's worth noting that after half-time, the away side had more attempts on goal than United. Was it not for the fact Nemanja Matic perfectly encapsulated his season in a single moment when he found only the Manchester Ship Canal when through on goal, after some kamikaze defending had left him free, Hiddink could have been celebrating a quintessential smash-and-grab job.

De Gea was also forced into a fine double save when he first thwarted Pedro and then Cesar Azpilicueta on the rebound.

A victory could have proved to be a turning point for Van Gaal, but ultimately it's a point at home against a side who this season have lost to Manchester City, Crystal Palace, Everton, Southampton, West Ham, Liverpool, Stoke, Bournemouth and Leicester City. It's not bad luck that has seen Chelsea accumulate the same number of points as Norwich City and nine fewer than Watford.

Van Gaal showed more fight post-match than when he looked the proverbial broken man after the Stoke game, as he proved emboldened to the point of overstating his hand in his media briefing. It's still a long way back if he's to see out the season, though.

True to form, he never once got up from his seat in the dugout all game. The phrase "sitting duck" springs to mind. With United's board seemingly at odds over what to do next, his future remains very much in the balance. This was an improvement and will buy him time. With Mourinho and Pep Guardiola waiting in the wings, though, Van Gaal will be very much aware time in this instance effectively means the next game.

If they fail to beat Swansea City at Old Trafford on January 2, and a winless run is extended to nine matches, Manchester United's swagmen may prove to be both on and in the money.

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