The 10 People and Things Jose Mourinho Might Blame for His Chelsea Sacking
There are only three certainties in life: Death, taxes and Chelsea firing managers with short shrift.
Jose Mourinho has inadvertently blessed us all with something to talk about other than Star Wars this week by parting company with Chelsea Football Club for the second time (as per ChelseaFC.com).
Evidently, it was completely unacceptable for a team in 16th place to lose to the league leaders on Monday night, so the board decided the time was right to release the Special One back into the football wilderness.
But of course, the dismissal is not Jose's fault. It never is. Here's the (thoroughly tongue-in-cheek) list of the people and things that must be held accountable for this miscarriage of justice...
Eva Carneiro
1 of 10
The walls of Jose's kingdom started crumbling on the very first day of the season during the latter movements of Chelsea's 2-2 draw with Swansea.
Eva Carneiro and her medical team had the gall to run on to the pitch and treat an injured Eden Hazard, thus leaving the home side with nine men on the pitch and subject to a counter-attack. Disgraceful.
How dare you fulfil your professional obligation and give medical assistance to the extremely expensive athlete on the field, Eva! Clearly, Hazard could have contributed to preventing a Swansea attack while rolling around on the floor!
After that game, Mou probably took down the picture of Pep Guardiola from his dartboard and replaced it with an image of Carneiro dashing onto the field to do the thing she was paid to do.
It's definitely all Eva's fault.
Referees
2 of 10
We all know there's been a #CampaignAgainstChelsea for some time. It's irrefutable.
According to the gigantic chip that resides on Mourinho's shoulder, there are approximately 20 Premier League referees and roughly 7 billion other humans who are willing the Blues to fail.
Mou tried to expose this unfair bias but was slapped with a fine and a stadium ban for his troubles. Outrageous.
It's definitely all the referees' fault.
John Terry
3 of 10
Mou has a history of subjugating his team's top stars, with John Terry appearing to be the latest object of his disaffection.
Once the first name on the teamsheet, Terry has spent an increasing amount of time on the substitutes' bench this season.
Could it be that JT was a leader of dissenting voices in the dressing room and has subsequently been punished for his actions?
We keep hearing that Mourinho has "lost" the dressing room; has Terry been secretly moving it to different parts of the stadium so the manager cannot find it? Yeah, that's probably it.
This is definitely all John Terry's fault.
Diego Costa's Bib
4 of 10
Not since Mario Balotelli's epic struggle has a a bib been so emblematic of failure.
When Diego Costa threw his little pink number in the direction of Mourinho, it was clear all was not well with the striker's role at the club.
Costa is one of several Chelsea stars who have been shadows of their former selves in this campaign, but his terrible form is not to blame here. It's that darn bib being used as a dangerous projectile. To quote Sir Alex Ferguson, he could have been killed.
It's definitely all Diego Costa's bib's fault.
The Entire Chelsea Squad
5 of 10
Jose isn't averse to throwing others under the (parked) bus to escape blame, as proved by his belief that his players had "betrayed" him in the defeat to Leicester.
Costa and Terry aren't the only ones letting the side down. Eden Hazard, Branislav Ivanovic, Kurt Zouma and Cesc Fabregas all appear to have forgotten how to do football at various stages this season.
Some might say it would be fairer (and cheaper) to sack the entire team rather than the manager, but that isn't the way the cookie crumbles.
This is definitely all the Chelsea players' fault.
Sky TV
6 of 10
Mou may have had his disagreements with Sky's pundits in the past, but the real blame for his departure lies with the renegotiated TV deal.
When the broadcaster paid out their phenomenal £5 billion rights deal, they helped strengthen the Premier League as a whole, providing more parity across the board.
Stoke could now attract players like Xherdan Shaqiri, Swansea brought in Andre Ayew, and Crystal Palace welcomed Yohan Cabaye—all deals that would have been mighty unlikely in years gone by.
This is totally unfair! A club's riches must come from the disproportionate and controversially sourced wealth of an oligarch, not split evenly between every other team! How are Chelsea supposed to win every week when they don't have the financial clout to completely blow 17/20ths of the league out of the water?
This is definitely all Sky's fault.
Leicester Ball Boys
7 of 10
Nearly two years after a Swansea ball boy definitely cost Chelsea their place in the League Cup final, the young ball-handlers have been grinding Jose's gears once again.
In the aftermath of the Blues' defeat at Leicester on Monday, Mou called the ball boys' time-wasting tactics "a disgrace to the Premier League" (as per the Independent).
The flagrant time-wasting of ball boys is completely unacceptable and an insult to the virtue and sportsmanship of the Premier League. After all, Chelsea would never dream of doing anything contentious to gain an advantage in a game. Right, Didier? Right.
This is definitely all the Leicester ball boys' fault.
Guus Hiddink
8 of 10
Charlie Eccleshare of the Telegraph reported Guus Hiddink is taking the reigns at Chelsea, just as he did when Luiz Felipe Scolari was given the heave.
Yes, the man who couldn't get the Netherlands into a Euro 2016 tournament featuring Albania and Romania is the man trusted to dig the Blues out of their relegation mire.
Come on, Guus—are you on a permanent retainer by Chelsea? Are you ready to be called upon at the drop of a contract?
Could it be that Guus' friendship with Roman Abramovich, and his lack of a job, expedited proceedings?
This is definitely all Guus Hiddink's fault.
Iker Casillas
9 of 10
In the picture above, we see Iker Casillas having a word with fellow Jose Mourinho enthusiast Diego Costa. He's telling him to put cling film over the toilet just before the gaffer heads in there.
Throughout the season, Casillas may or may not have been parsing out instructions to Chelsea players to ensure the downfall of his Portuguese nemesis.
"Hey, Cesc," he may or may not have said. "In this next game, make sure you are absolutely terrible and have no ball control."
"Pssst...Branislav," he may or may not have whispered from the shadows. "When you go out for the second half, completely forget how to be a defender. Trust me, it will be brilliant."
As the news of Mourinho's departure was announced on Thursday, one can imagine Casillas sitting on a swivel chair, laughing maniacally while stroking a cat. And then accidentally dropping that cat.
This is definitely all Iker Casillas' fault.
Everyone but Himself
10 of 10Jose Mourinho has never heard the Led Zeppelin classic "Nobody's Fault But Mine," nor would he ever believe the premise.
How could Chelsea's predicament possibly be The Special One's fault? It's not like he is the one paid millions of pounds to pick the team and ensure sustained success. It's not like he is partial to massive fallouts with his players. It's not like his teams always seem to collapse during his third season in char... oh.
Maybe Mou needs to listen to that song.
