Jobs in Sports Joe Biden Was Born For

Vice President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would not be running for president in 2016—which is great news, if you're Hillary Clinton or a discount travel company specializing in all-inclusive trips to Atlantic City.

Because now Biden has time. Time to explore and let his hair down. Time to do all those Biden-y things he's always wanted to do, like breed and sell monitor lizards out of the back of a Ford Windstar.

He only has one year left in his tenure as vice president. After that, life is whatever Biden wants to make of it.

This freedom begs a question: What is our nation's vice president and foremost funcle (fun uncle) going to do with all his newfound time? How is the executive branch's Han Solo going to spend the hours he previously reserved for meeting with foreign dignitaries?

Biden probably has his own ideas, most of which involve the opening of a calypso bar on Islamorada.

But might I suggest a different course of action for Biden to consider? How about coaching or broadcasting? How about any of the many other things oily, well-spoken men get paid to do on a daily basis in the sporting industry?

Biden would be a fish in water in the sports sector. And the following are several positions in sports and sports media Dynamite Joe was born for.

SEC Football Coach

@DrCarson73

This one is right there for the taking.

Steve Spurrier's midseason departure from South Carolina leaves a gaping, Trans Am-shaped hole in college football. Biden can definitely fill that gap.

Consider his general aura, which has all the markings of a successful Southeastern Conference operator. He's got the hair, the easy charm. He's got the people—more specifically, he's got a guy who can steal play signs from 200 yards and street-tune a Honda for 50 bucks. Maybe it's not 100 percent "street legal," but who's asking? Rubbin's racin', pal. This is a pivotal attitude you need in a blue-blooded SEC coach.

Just give Biden a visor and the name of a pool hall on the outskirts of town. He'll have the next Robert Nkemdiche signed and singing Meat Loaf tunes by midnight.

Bill Walton's Co-Caster

@DrCarson73

"You see, Bill. Ever since I spent six months with Ginger Baker exploring the roots of Bantu philosophy in a Nigerian sweat lodge near Lagos, I've come to understand that every man is a vital force, and that he must consume other forces in order to grow his own force and fend off the all-consuming darkness that is all around us."

"It sounds like it was a magical time, Joe."

"It really was...and that's a third foul on Bryce Alford."

Putting Bill Walton and Biden on the same game call would effectively turn every Pac-12 basketball broadcast into a marathon storytelling session about how both men accepted the Egyptian sun god Ra as their lord and spiritual bastion at the Big Sur hot springs in '72.

This is a good thing.

College Athletics Booster

@DrCarson73

Biden's resting state of existence is walking into a party with two six-packs raised to ear level. This just so happens to be the same life approach required of a big-time collegiate booster.

Biden might actually be too good at this job. His hands are ergonomically designed for handshakes that end in him surreptitiously sliding moist currency (doesn't matter why it's wet) into a waiting palm.

Give Biden a chance. He'll be the owner of 45 car dealerships throughout the Rust Belt and a perennial member of the district attorney's Saturday golf scramble before the spring game starts.

NFL Commissioner

@DrCarson73

Do you want a commissioner who will ring in every new NFL season by riding a Vincent Black Shadow onto the field?

How about a commissioner who will address the media with a ball python draped nonchalantly about his shoulders—a real leader who lets athletes celebrate touchdowns however they want because "living is doing what feels right"?

Because if not, we can keep Roger Goodell. We can just have that guy forever. That's the other option.

So that's my spiel. That's why I want Biden in the industry.

Even if he's just doing guest spots on College GameDay or tag-teaming sideline reports with Craig Sager, we owe it to ourselves to give the Biden experiment a try.

Worst-case scenario, he'll take the restrictor plates off all our cars for free.

Dan is on Twitter. He wants a coach like Biden, who'll call the fumblerooski because "chicks dig chaos."