The Sad Sack Seven: The NFL's Worst Week 1, Texans take top

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  "Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing - intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out. The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes.I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear. The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride."

Fear and Loathing in the confused mind of Jay Cutler as the Packers pass rush and coverage contribute to the catastrophe in Cutler's mind.

The Cutler collapse that was televised live and in living color. 

Can Lovie Smith challenge the season's start? Or was that Cutler Packer showing Panic in the Pocket Part One?

Against the Pittsburgh Steeler blitz will Cutler close his eyes, click his heels together, and fire the ball down field blindly while mumbling there's "No place like home, there's no place like home..there's no..."

Ah for the golden days of the Grossman and Orton show.

What's the most annoying about the new NFL season?

The rumbles from billionaires and millionaires of a work stoppage during a recession?

That idiotic Fox robot? That robot should be terminated with extreme prejudice by John Connor.

Deion Sanders and Mike Irvin laughing long and loud at their own jokes? Whose brilliant idea was that? The same guys who thought John From Cincinnati would be big?

What about the endless ESPN nicknames from the endless stream of ESPN screaming heads? Can't they just calm down?

How about the commercials that suddenly jump insanely in volume when they appear suddenly during the endless television time outs?

Isn't that Geico commercial with the silly stupid Somebodys' Watching You song blaring extremely annoying?

Call back the Cave man.

Turn down the sound clowns. Don't make me want to get my six shooter and Elvis my suddenly blaring television because the commercials have to scream.

And how about the Dude, Jeff Bridges in The Big Leobowski, loudly pushing one of those bailed out auto companies?

I like the Dude but must the Dude's car commercial volume jump so much higher then normal ones? Is that a selling point? A shouting Dude?

The Dude abides he doesn't shout.

Well its rumored that the Dude is going to play Rooster Cogburn in the Coen's Brothers remake of True Grit so perhaps he must practise shouting as well as shooting Lucky Ned Pepper.

The Dude meets the Duke. How would the Duke deal with nihilist?

Can Plaxico get a part? Maybe as one of Lucky Ned's men. One who can't shoot all that well perhaps because its tough pulling a hog leg from sweat pants..

What would the Duke, or the Dude for that matter, do with the Detroit Lions who seem to be managed by nihilists for decades? Isn't that why they drafted all those wide receivers?

Could the Dude do worse then Detroit's done since whiskey breathing Bobby Layne skipped town decades ago while casting wicked Texas curses down on Motown?

And whats wrong with the Texans anyway?

1] Houston Texans [0-1]

The last time a team in Texas was caught so unprepared for a game Santa Anna surrendered his sword to Sam Houston at San Jacinto.

The New York Jets beating of the Texans was like one a superior, mean spirited boxer gives an inferior, demoralized, unprepared, frightened foe. The game seemed a brutal barrage of body punch after body punch after body punch until the nasty, gleeful winning fighter decides to start slamming short ugly head shots just for fun.

Every year the Texans seem to start terrible and, once they are eliminated from playoff contention, finish strong but this is the first year they started scared.

Perhaps tis time for a Texan chief to give up his sword?

2] The State of Missouri [0-2]

Ex Kansas City Chief's Coach Herman Edwards offensive guru, the dreaded Dick Curl, seems to have lifted the St. Louis Ram offense to the same heights he reached in Kansas City.

In Dick Curl's defense the Rams have the least talent in the league. Still shut out in Seattle is never a good start.

The Rams are so bad they ought to offer QB Marc Bulger a blindfold and a last cigarette before each game.

The Kansas City Chiefs made a valiant effort in Baltimore but, as usual, bungled the game in the end.

3] The State of Ohio [0-2]

The Broncos Brandon Stokley's sizzling last second score made everyone remember why the Bengals are the Bungles.

Meanwhile across Ohio Cleveland Brown coach the sullen Eric Mangini, and his cast of ex Jets, worked his magic just like he did in Gotham.

The last Magic man this miserable was Antony Hopkins playing the parts of both cranky Corky Withers and Fats, the vicious dummy, in the thriller Magic

Maybe Mangini can borrow Fats the dummy to sit on his lap during press conferences.

4] Carolina Panthers [0-1]

If Jake Delhomme keeps up the turnover pace of his past pair of games he will pop eighty eight turnovers this season.

John Fox worries not because he knows the Cajun kid will get his groove back.

And if not A.J. Feeley, of Ontario, Oregon, is on his way to save the day.

Does A.J. get a cape of Carolina blue?

5] State of Florida [0-3]

Eager to fill empty seats Jacksonville Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio stayed with his thrill a minute offense that excites fans and sells seats.

The Jags are nothing if not exciting.

Is it me or does it seem like Tampa Bay Buccaneer QB Bryon Leftwich plays likes he's moving underwater? Slowly underwater.

Tampa's Cadillac Williams had a good game but when will the tires blow again?

Meanwhile in Miami the wildcat offense was slain in Atlanta by a fierce Falcon.

In keeping with the singing celebrity Miami ownership theme, ownership shares will be offered to Norman Greenbaum, Donnie Van Zant, the wandering shade of Richard Manuel, Peter Noone, Dickey Betts, and whoever those long haired old dudes were that sang that cool Brandy Your a Fine Girl tune at halftime this week.

Lets see the Tuna parcells shake that thing at halftime.

Maybe not.

6] Washington Redskins [0-1]

Making a hundred million bucks, and playing thirty something plays a game, makes a man tired so do not blame Big Al Haynesworth for taking a sit on the helmet on the sidelines breather break a few times in the opener.

Who is the batter up for Danny Snyder?

Bil Cowher? Jon Gruden? Joe Gibbs? Mike Shanahan? Mike Holmgren? Nick Saban? Joe Gibbs? Tom Cruise? Donald Trump? A George Allen cut out?

Methinks its time for Little Dan to strap on his sword and patrol the sidelines himself like Napoleon.

Or maybe Snyder can clone himself and make a mini Dan coach man to run the reeling Redskins the right way at last.

7] Detroit Lions [0-17]

The Layned cursed Lions showed signs of life but have to hold a spot on the worst list until they beat somebody. Anybody.

And who really wants to be known as the team licked by the lame Lions?

Who will finally stop the rain in Detroit?

Burn a candle for Bobby Layne and wait to feast on for those day after Halloween Rams.

Unless Brett Favre fires five interceptions Sunday.