NFL Draft 2015 : Imagining Perfect -World Scenarios for First -Round Teams

Be honest, folks—you've obsessed over the NFL draft, haven't you? You've read countless mock drafts, a plethora of scouting reports, listened to what every talking head on the tube has said about this draft, right? You are well-versed in team needs, the top players and the various trades that may or may not go down.  

Let's have a little fun. I'm going to provide my full mock draft below, but I also want to break down what each team would do in the first round of this draft in a perfect world. It won't always be realistic, or even possible, but it's going to be a bit of fun. Sure, in the process, we'll identify some team needs and break down some players, but we'll always poke fun at some organizations. 

Consider it a mock draft followed by an, um, mocking draft. Let's get weird. 

In a perfect world...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers would select a player named Jameis Mariota, who combined the talent and poise of Jameis Winston with the off-field work ethic and humility of Marcus Mariota (and maybe his athleticism, too). That quarterback would be amazing and basically devoid of any risk.

The Tennessee Titans would trade the No. 2 pick to the San Diego Chargers and receive Philip Rivers, from five years ago, in exchange. That would probably make a ton of sense for Tennessee, as opposed to trading away the No. 2 overall pick for a player who is 33 years old.

The Jacksonville Jaguars would need a defensive tackle more than a defensive end and would select Leonard Williams to fit their biggest need with the best player on the board. As it stands, they may select Williams anyway. 

The Oakland Raiders would draft Williams. Or Amari Cooper. Or...you know what, Oakland is going to have to try really hard to screw this draft up. Hasn't stopped them before, of course. 

In a perfect world...

Washington would draft a coaching staff that found a way to get the best out of Robert Griffin III. And a new team name. And a new owner. And probably a dynamic edge-rusher. One of those things seems feasible. 

The New York Jets would draft Winston or Mariota. It won't happen, but man, would it be a help.

The Chicago Bears would draft a ray of sunshine that injected some happiness into Jay Cutler's face and caused him to throw less interceptions. Also, they'd nab Cooper or Kevin White to replace Brandon Marshall. 

The Atlanta Falcons would resist the urge to draft Todd Gurley and would instead select the top edge-rusher on the board. 

In a perfect world...

The New York Giants would draft Odell Beckham Jr. again. The cloned version who had been touched up a bit and could play linebacker or on the offensive line. Seriously, that guy is pretty awesome. 

The St. Louis Rams would draft some pocket protection for Nick Foles. And more downfield accuracy. And an offensive system that largely covered up for his many flaws, like the one he had in Philadelphia. 

The Minnesota Vikings would draft a rookie running back named Adrian Peterson, who was the same as the Adrian Peterson they already had but was younger and actually wanted to be in Minnesota.

The Cleveland Browns would find a way to get Mariota. And they'd find a team to take Manziel in the draft, too. And for heaven's sake, they wouldn't completely blow having two first-round picks in a pretty strong draft. C'mon, Cleveland, shape up. 

In a perfect world...

The New Orleans Saints would draft the best defensive player available. They really need help defensively. 

The Miami Dolphins would draft a much larger salary cap so that the Ndamukong Suh contract didn't seem so insane. They would also resist the urge to draft Gurley because they have bigger needs, like linebacker or wide receiver. 

The San Francisco 49ers would draft the best corner on the board. And a bit of sanity after last year's debacle. Seriously, a team with that much talent should not flop that hard. C'mon, San Francisco, shape up.

The Houston Texans would draft Winston or Mariota. But that ain't happening. 

In a perfect world...

The Chargers would trade this pick and a 33-year-old for the rights to the No. 2 overall pick and Mariota, who would be their franchise quarterback for the next decade. Seriously, how is that possible trade not a gigantic win for the Chargers?

The Kansas City Chiefs would draft an offense that was watchable. 

The Browns would either trade this pick to move up and get Mariota or, you know, they'd actually draft someone good with it.

The Philadelphia Eagles would draft Mariota. Duh. In a slightly less perfect version of the world, they would either draft the top receiver on the board or Landon Collins.

In a perfect world...

The Cincinnati Bengals would draft a different quarterback to play in postseason games. 

The Pittsburgh Steelers would draft a defense worthy of their long and proud history of dominant defenses. 

The Detroit Lions would draft Suh's replacement. Eddie Goldman probably isn't that, but it's a start. 

The Arizona Cardinals would draft Gurley and pair him with Andre Ellington to form one of the NFL's best backfields and give the team the last little push toward being elite as they make a Super Bowl run. Also, they'd draft an impenetrable bubble to put around Carson Palmer so he couldn't get hurt. But, you know, one he could wear and still throw the ball. It's a tricky design. 

In a perfect world... 

The Carolina Panthers would get Cam Newton some help on offense. 

The Baltimore Ravens would draft a playmaking wideout. Or running back. They need help on offense. 

The Dallas Cowboys would draft Melvin Gordon. Also, voodoo would be an actual science, and they would get a DeMarco Murray voodoo doll. And Jerry Jones would continue deferring to his football people on football decisions, which has done nothing but work since he's back off a little. 

The Denver Broncos would invent an actual fountain of youth, and Peyton Manning would bathe in it everyday, or drink from it or whatever you do in a fountain of youth to stay young forever. 

In a perfect world... 

The Indianapolis Colts would either get more protection for Andrew Luck or would continue improving that defense. They're close to winning it all at this point.

The Green Bay Packers would draft a corner. 

The New Orleans Saints would uncover the next Jimmy Graham at this pick. 

The New England Patriots would invent an actual "Fountain of Age 50," something that would keep Bill Belichick at the age he's been during New England's dominance. No need to make him too young; we don't want to send him back to the Browns days.