Athletes Tweeting Very Cryptic Messages on Twitter

Social media platforms like Twitter have given athletes and celebrities, not to mention the rest of us plebs, an audience for all the most ridiculous and inane thoughts to be shared with the world. You know, all that crud that used to live and die in our brains?

When it comes to tweeting, athletes tend to fall into one of two main categories, or occasionally teeter back and forth between:

1. Coherent oversharing that is occasionally entertaining, but often mundane.
2. Absolutely incoherent garbled nonsense that is fired off at a rapid pace day and night.

Either way, tweets tend to be predictable and lacking depth, leaving little to the imagination. There are, however, a few athletes that have a way of making us wonder. Hidden among a barrage of gobbledegook are some cryptic gems that make following them all worthwhile. 

10. Brad Keselowski, NASCAR

"

Days like today are times when I wish I knew where to find the poop emoji.

— Brad Keselowski (@keselowski) April 19, 2015"

First of all, how is it possible that NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski can’t find the poop emoji? It hasn’t moved from my "recently used" home emoji page even once since adding the keyboard to my iPhone years ago. Second of all, his technological shortcoming is so egregious that the details of his day have been rendered irrelevant. 

"

It's amazing how perfect and angry the Internet can be.

— Brad Keselowski (@keselowski) April 18, 2015"

That's true, but the sentiment is different for everyone, every day. Next time offer up a little added info, please. 

"

So many athletes are vanilla because it's easy and it allows you to focus on other aspects of your life. That's a tremendous tragedy...

— Brad Keselowski (@keselowski) April 2, 2015"

What, exactly, is the tragedy here? Anyone? Bueller? 

9. Brandon Spikes, NFL Free Agent

"

I'm haunted by horror stories

— BrandonSpikes51 (@BrandonSpikes51) April 20, 2015"

Like all horror stories...like all the time?  

"

If words could make wishes come true

— BrandonSpikes51 (@BrandonSpikes51) April 18, 2015"

That would be fantastic, wouldn’t it? But unfortunately for Mr. Spikes, the only way that generally works is when there’s a genie of some sort involved—and those are hard to find. But I really want to know what wish(es) he has in mind.

"

If ur an egg go away thanx

— BrandonSpikes51 (@BrandonSpikes51) April 16, 2015"

So what's the problem with eggs? The National Egg Council is going to have something to say about this if Spikes doesn't clarify. 

"

IM CONFUSED ABOUT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM THESE DAYS !!!

— BrandonSpikes51 (@BrandonSpikes51) April 15, 2015"

Spikes was referring to the guilty verdict of former Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez, who was convicted of first-degree murder in the death of former friend Odin Lloyd. You see, Brandon, how it works is that when Aaron Hernandez murders someone, he goes to jail. Mystery solved.

8. Ryan Lochte, Olympic Swimmer

"

Me and Jon Voight just landed in #NYC #pizza pic.twitter.com/RhGj6EGjGU

— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) November 22, 2014"

Uh...so were Ryan Lochte and Jon Voight traveling together to New York City for a slice? Honestly, if it were any other athlete-celebrity pairing, I’d be like…absolutely not. Clearly they just met up on the flight. But with these two, who the heck knows.

"

Too hot!!!

— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) October 5, 2014"

What's too hot in October? Come on, Lochte, help us out! 

"

Defense

— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) October 4, 2014"

Defend what?

"

Suite!

— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) November 11, 2014"

It's spelled "sweet." Unless Lochte is talking about a hotel suite, or he misspelled "suit."

7. Nick Young, Los Angeles Lakers

"

I'm one of them cool weird dudes

— Nick Young (@NickSwagyPYoung) April 2, 2015"

Uh…you’d have to think a lot of legitimately weird people would have some questions about Lakers star Nick Young’s assessment on this one. At least he's got the cool part down. 

"

I spent so much time on tryna be cool that I almost miss out on my blessings but that's what happens growing up in my neighborhood

— Nick Young (@NickSwagyPYoung) December 4, 2014"

So is Young saying he isn’t even one of them naturally cool weird dudes? Or is he naturally cool and always just trying to be cooler? Also, would the Lakers suck less if he focused less on coolness?

"

Now I gotta sleep on the couch with one eye open because ppl wanna put out crazy stuff

— Nick Young (@NickSwagyPYoung) January 16, 2015"

Say what! Is Young talking about receiving threats from fans or foes? If that’s the case, shame on every last one of you horrible people. But even still, why does he have to sleep on the couch? That's way too out in the open if you're trying to make yourself scarce. 

"

No more peace

— Nick Young (@NickSwagyPYoung) November 25, 2014"

Well that’s a little disturbing. Unless Young was referring to former Laker Metta World Peace, who, quite frankly, few of us have missed of late.

6. DJ Swearinger, Houston Texans

"

Only God Can Judge Me!!!!!

— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) April 19, 2015"

Texans safety DJ Swearinger seemed to be worked up about someone besides God judging him recently. The real question is who? Also, as a professional athlete, he’s actually completely wrong about only God being able to judge him. There have been people paid to judge him for the past 10 years of his life.

Anywho! To be fair, this is about as coherent as things get for one of my favorite fellas to follow on Twitter.  

"

Aww man stank toe tap that thang boi!!!!

— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) November 11, 2014"

Wait, what?  

"

#work that's an UNDER$TATEMENT!!!!!!!

— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) March 26, 2015"

Seriously, what does this mean? Does the "$" in "UNDERSTATEMENT" have something to do with it? Or is that just how he makes a capital S?

"

Whats misunderstood ain gotta be explained.....

— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) March 27, 2015"

If that's the case, we're never going to know 99 percent of what Swearinger is tweeting about. Still, though, is that a blanket statement, or is he referring to just a few specific things? 

"

7 o'clock in the country look like 12 midnight wit all these woods!!!

— DJ Swearinger (@JungleBoi_Swagg) January 22, 2015"

The only concern here was that DJ Swearinger may have been lost in the woods at some point in January, without providing any context whatsoever. The good news is that he was obviously found and returned safely to...not the country. 

5. Jerry Blevins, New York Mets

"

Kanye is becoming an enigma to me. His music is like a painting I stare at for hours & still can't decide if I love it or hate it days later

— Jerry Blevins (@JerryBlevins_13) February 16, 2015"

This is one of the nicest things written about Kanye West in months, maybe years! Yet there is no definitive compliment…or is there? 

"

This elevator smells like pee

— Jerry Blevins (@JerryBlevins_13) March 10, 2015"

Good lord, which elevator smells like pee? Where are you, Blevins?!

"

I change my choice from Common to Julie Andrews

— Jerry Blevins (@JerryBlevins_13) February 23, 2015"

If there really was an awards show in which Common and Julie Andrews were nominated in the same category, it would single-handedly change my entire view on awards shows. Who do you think won? You've got to go with Julie Andrews, right?

4. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder

"

Haaaa don't speak for me if I don't speak to U at all.

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) March 11, 2015"

Considering Kevin Durant’s building animosity with the media, this could be referencing anyone, anywhere. It may also be directed at fans or “haters” on Twitter, who he’s had a few scrapes with recently.

"

Don't forget now

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) February 25, 2015"

Don’t forget what, Kevin? Don’t forget what?!?!?! 

"

Why do you post on Twitter?

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) January 13, 2015"

"

You want a voice? You wanna be more popular?

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) January 13, 2015"

"

You say it's "just Twitter" but is it really "just Twitter"

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) January 13, 2015"

"

Oh well just thinking out loud.

— Kevin Durant (@KDTrey5) January 13, 2015"

With that many questions, it really feels like Durant should’ve offered an answer. The tweets are obviously half questions, half accusations, but the real question is: What’s been eating at KD this season?

3. Dolph Ziggler, WWE 

"

Checking youre tweets for grammer like pic.twitter.com/jca8j6hoq4

— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) April 12, 2015"

Honestly, wrestler Dolph Ziggler tweets about Hillary Clinton so often that it’s hard to tell if he’s actually a supporter or if he’s being sarcastic. Either way, it’s fairly entertaining, and the Clintons probably appreciate the publicity. 

"

off to target, for cat food and a nose hair trimmer... might as well add 'single burial plot' to the list

— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 19, 2015"

Wait. So was he talking about killing his cat or himself? Neither make sense. If his plan were to kill the cat, he wouldn’t need the food. And if he was going to kill himself, why bother with the nose hair? Maybe he’s single and worried about dying alone? All the options are sad.

"

Date night, with the boo... b tube

— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 5, 2015"

Nevermind, he was talking about dying alone. I’ll marry you, Dolph. 

"

remember, if no one is offended, you're not doing it right

— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 2, 2015"

OK, this isn’t an exact science. It’s definitely cryptic, and we need some more information to decide whether or not the sentiment is accurate.

2. Darnell Dockett, San Francisco 49ers

"

.

— DARNELL DOCKETT (@ddockett) April 19, 2015"

As one of the most entertaining people on social media anywhere, Niners defensive end Darnell Dockett doesn’t often mince words on Twitter. That is, except, for when he does.

"

A real dope boy would never write a check.....

— DARNELL DOCKETT (@ddockett) March 23, 2015"

Wait, why? Does this apply to dope girls too? And is Dockett talking about the physical act of writing a check, or “cutting” a check from the bank? So many unanswered questions here!

"

Football was never my dream. I could of cared less about a football. quit twice growing up.

— DARNELL DOCKETT (@ddockett) March 25, 2015 "

Dockett has tweeted a lot about loving the lifestyle and money that playing football affords him—though he often makes mentions of his tough upbringing as well—but apparently he doesn’t have that much of a fondness for the sport itself. Makes you wonder what his real dream was/is.

"

I'm the new Christan Grey..... That tatted up / Hood version... 😜

— DARNELL DOCKETT (@ddockett) February 19, 2015"

Maybe it’s best not to dig too deeply into this one. Although if they decide to recast those two boring actors from the original movie I never saw, I’m entirely in favor of Dockett getting a look for the lead.

1. Jose Canseco, Retired MLB 

"

hug for u deflated balls

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 19, 2015"

Given the date, it seems logical that Canseco was offering a hug for anyone and everyone involved in Deflategate. But dig a little deeper and it makes you wonder if his message has something to do with a certain toll steroids are known to take on the male body.

"

If Earth can control the comet transport system we will run the Milkyway. Think about that

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 13, 2014"

Any avid Canseco follower knows that the ‘roided one takes on the subject of space/the universe on a surprisingly regular basis. Though he comes at it more from a Scientology perspective than a scientist's perspective. Either way, it’s glorious. 

"

The Canseco brothers will face anyone in any sport . Only serious inquiries contact me

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) September 14, 2014"

Canseco issues an awful lot of challenges to so-called “haters” on Twitter, and as you can see, sometimes he involves his poor twin brother. It’s hard to imagine that he hasn’t heard back from anyone serious yet—is he only referring to celebrities?—but none of these challenges have yet to happen in a public venue.

"

You all think you know me . None of you know the real me .

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 24, 2015"

Canseco is absolutely right—to the outside world he seems about as superficial a human being as exists on earth. But is it possible that maybe we don’t know a thing about the real Canseco?

Kidding. It is not at all possible! Sorry, Jose!