B/R 5th Down: April Fools' Day Pranks and Ohio State-Michigan Rivalry Antics
Editor's Note: The Fifth Down captures the top social college football stories of the week. Because the long, grueling offseason is underway, we'll focus on things that make us laugh, think or maybe cry, but mostly laugh.
1) Let's Officially Campaign for Baylor to Have a 400-Pound Quarterback
Quarterback labels are too constrictive. Who's to say a quarterback can't be, oh, 6'7", 410 pounds and better suited to play offensive line?
.jpg?w=256 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
Like Baylor's LaQuan McGowan.
McGowan, as you may remember, was officially enshrined in our personal College Football Hall of Fame in January when he caught a touchdown pass as a tight end against Michigan State in the Cotton Bowl.
As an April Fools' joke, Bears coach Art Briles said McGowan has been working out at quarterback during spring practices and could succeed Bryce Petty at the position.
Not funny, Art. This is serious stuff we're talking about. What if McGowan actually took snaps as Baylor's run-first quarterback?
Think about it. Even if all 11 defenders focused on tackling McGowan, which teams could bring him down before he hits four yards a carry? And if that's their strategy, McGowan can easily hit one of his world-class receivers for a big gain through the air. Play-action passes, a la Tim Tebow at Florida and Collin Klein at Kansas State, would work to perfection.
Because we're so nice, we've taken the time to draw up a base offense with McGowan taking snaps out of the shotgun.
This is foolproof if we're being honest. Briles may be regarded as an offensive genius, but he's missing a major opportunity to pick up easy yards time and time again.
Our phone's just sitting here, Art, waiting for your call. We're hourly, by the way.
2) Speaking of Quarterbacks, Ohio State Has Three. Use Them All...At the Same Time.
Ohio State coach Urban Meyer told reporters this week that he hasn't thought extensively about playing more than one quarterback next season. The Buckeyes, of course, have three outstanding signal-callers—J.T. Barrett, Cardale Jones and Braxton Miller—who could lead this team to another national championship. Which one Meyer will choose has been college football's biggest offseason storyline.
But why should Meyer settle for playing one quarterback at a time? The Wildcat formation is so 2006 anyway. You have three quarterbacks who could start for anyone in the country, Urban. Flaunt it, yo.
Use all three quarterbacks at the same time.
This is not to be confused with the two-quarterback offense, which Louisiana-Monroe and Purdue previously dabbled in a few years back (h/t Chris B. Brown of SmartFootball.com). No, no. This is more revolutionary. This is the multiquarterback offense. This is Barrett, Jones and Miller lined up one, two, three next to each other in the backfield.
Don't want one of your three quarterbacks to transfer, Urban? Play 'em all and change football forever.
And, again, phone is right here, hourly charge, et cetera et cetera.
3) Watch Auburn's Mascot, Aubie, Scare the Living Daylights Out of People
Clemson quarterback Cole Stoudt pulled a similar stunt last August when he disguised himself as a mannequin. This, though? This is the stuff of which nightmares are made. There you are, in a confined area, and suddenly a big, furry cartoon character jumps out of nowhere at you.
He just wants to play, but you don't know that. Tigers eat people.
And, now, the top four mascots I'd least want to jump out of a laundry bin at me, ranked:
4) Oklahoma State's Pistol Pete
That head on that body? Plus firearms? No, sir. Nope. Nope. Nope.
3) Purdue Pete
What is it with mascots named Pete and giant heads on regular human bodies, anyway? The added cartoonish dimension is especially creepy. Also, he runs around with a sledgehammer, which is even more terrifying than any gun.
2) Western Kentucky's Big Red
No, no, no, no, no, why are you giving the thumbs-up look over your right shoulder?
1) Early Concept Pistol Pete
There are no words.
4) Ohio State Also Cares About Where Your Dogs Go No. 1
Let's forget about football for a moment and focus on the stuff that really matters in this world, like where your dog can use the bathroom.
It's a touchy subject. As a responsible pet owner, it's your job to ensure your dog does its business in the proper areas—and not, say, in your neighbor's yard.
Ohio State is here to help. If you live in the greater Columbus area, why not take advantage of the university's College of Veterinary Medicine? They have graciously provided a designated space for your beloved dog to take care of its most basic needs:
The fine folks at elevenwarriors.com have more:
"Ohio State's College of Veterinary Medicine is finally emerging from construction and one of the features is a new dog-walking area complete with the most perfect fire hydrant possible.
Yes, future veterinarians can now walk dogs and other animals nearby and when said dog needs to relieve itself, it can do so on the colors (and logo) of our most-hated rivals.
"
You're doing important work, Ohio State. Well done.
5) OK, Guys, Let's Be Mature For a Minute
Perhaps Ohio State quarterback Cardale Jones will never fully live down his infamous "We ain't come to play school" tweet from three years ago. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but that's the power of being a public figure in an unforgiving world.
However, Jones, like the rest of us, is afforded the ability to grow as a person. It would appear he's done just that. This week, Jones tweeted that he's learned a lot from his memorable social media "miscue."
The important thing is that Jones is a more self-aware person now than he was.
6) Yes, Steve Spurrier Called into The Dan Patrick Show
Singer-songwriter, former "Hootie" and noted South Carolina fan Darius Rucker appeared on The Dan Patrick Show this week. During the segment, Rucker got a call from "Steven in Columbia, South Carolina," which turned out to be none other than the Head Ball Coach himself, Steve Spurrier.
There's a lot going on in this segment. Spurrier has a new idea for a fight song, which could border on NSFW material depending on how immature you are. Either way, the HBC remains a gem.
7) Someone Wants Bret Bielema at Their Baby Shower
Inviting Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema to your baby shower is a bold move. I have no idea if he'll show up or not, but I have questions:
1) Does this count as an in-home recruiting visit if he shows up?
2) Does he need to bring anything?
3) Let's talk about these tickets. Is he getting them for free? Is that an NCAA violation? Can anyone buy tickets? Do we order them online? Is there a walk-up rate at the door? Is the shower already sold out?
8) Nebraska Fan Takes 'Let It Go' and Makes it About Bo Pelini
My life would be wonderful if I never heard "Let it Go" from the movie Frozen ever again. That likely won't happen, but a man can dream.
Anyway, one Nebraska fan had some fun with the song by modifying the lyrics to lament the firing of former head coach Bo Pelini. It's pretty amazing. Not only is it clever, but the guy can belt it out, too.
The divorce between Pelini and Nebraska, while still messy, was still ultimately the best thing for both sides. Still, this version of the song needs more air time.
9) Finally, Your College Football Burn of the Week
It's the offseason, but TCU blog Frogs O' War's Twitter game is in midseason form.
TCU, in case you forgot, beat Ole Miss 42-3 in the Peach Bowl. And it wasn't even that close.
So. Much. Fire.
Ben Kercheval is a lead writer for college football.
.jpg?w=480 "Ohio State Team Doctor")
