Liver Rants On More Babies, Dallas Cowboys Curses and Farve: Part 1

And so it goes, another day, another baby born to one of the Liver’s dearest friends. And slowly and then all of a sudden, the Liver slips deeper and deeper into a minority he’s proud to be a card-carrying member of. That would be the over-the-age of 30, heterosexual, alcoholic, yet highly addictive males who is unmarried with no babies…fun or not. And as Clint Eastwood would say in In the Line of Fire, “There ain't a whole lot of us, but we do have a powerful lobby.”

And the Liver won’t lie. The idea of kids and family and hell has crossed my mind. I often wonder if it really is true no matter how clichéd it is and no matter how EVERY one of the Liver’s male and female friends who have kids say the same damn thing…”It changes your life instantly and you are never the same person again after you see your child for the first time and hold him/her in your arms.” I wonder how many of the male friends of the Liver also said to themselves but will never admit it, “Well, there goes all my money and all my dreams.”

At least that’s what the Liver would think honestly. Because if you want to be a parent worth a s**t, that’s got to cross your mind. Money being gone is a given but all YOUR dreams (if you had any to begin with) MUST become secondary to that child if you want to even think about being successful in the ol’ parent industry. Tough racket. The Liver has and always will respect the hell out of those that can do it and do it right. Christ knows the Liver couldn’t. Too many drunken roads the Liver must travel alone on his path to enlightenment and achievement.

It’s insane enough just dealing with my own idiosyncrasies. Anyone else right now comes with a package of collateral damage that the Liver has opened like drunks opening the bar at 6:00 AM sharp for first call far too often.  Besides the Liver’s child would play in a toy box with Johnny Walker labeled on it much like the Liver himself did back when he was still a wee drunkard.

AND, I’m just coming out of an “accidentally curious” 12 month coma and re-learning how much I hate dating. The only games the Liver is up for are those with the flying pigskin and 300 pound gladiators battling until a winner emerges.

It seems that Rick Pitino CAN still impress the Liver. He has ALWAYS been a smooth operator and one helluva college basketball coach. He did have a not-so-terrible stint as coach of the Liver’s beloved Knicks from 1987-1989 but I digress. Is anyone out there surprised that Rick Pitino likes to get smashed at bars and pick up random women? Please. This recent incident is just one instance where he got caught and the details became public. Gee God, do you mean that sports athletes and big time college or pro coaches get to have sex with anyone they want when they’re on the road or at home? 

If you watch an unusual amount of pre-season football are you REALLY that interested in watching games that MEAN ABSOULTELY NOTHING just to see the guys that play the last 45 minutes that are mostly going to be driving beer trucks next week compete for a backup spot on SPECIAL TEAMS?  OR are your football pants just going crazy knowing that the real thing is just 20 something days away? Such are the deep, eternal questions that the Liver will ponder from time to time.

Classic sports moment for all time this past weekend…watching Y.E. Yang hit that Eagle at 14 on the final day of the PGA Championship and show that even the great Eldrick “Tiger” Woods is not invincible when he has the lead on the last day of a major. Incredible shot and the Liver isn’t actually what you’d call a golf fan. If it’s a major and Eldrick is leading on the final day and there are others in contention, it MIGHT get some personal airtime from the Liver.

Hell, I still remember watching ANOTHER CLASSIC PGA Championship Sunday back in 2000 when Bob May almost pulled off the upset against Eldrick.  From Michelson to Watson to Tiger; it seems that the year 2009 has been the year of the miss rather then the win. Can anyone name the guys that won the other three majors this year? I just named the guys who came in SECOND.

SO...maybe it’s just like the numbers show. The Dallas Cowboys are cursed when they play in even numbered decades. Think about it…the ‘60s, ‘80s, ‘00s. Not so nice. No Super Bowls. BUT…the ‘70s and ‘90s…5 Super Bowls. And the football gods continued on cue to enforce that rule when the hated Filthy Eagles did the unthinkable and signed one Michael Vick. Thanks guys. Not only do the Cowboys have to deal with Vick as an offensive specialist (I’m already cringing at the inevitable sight of wildcat and other trick plays with Vick in there) TWICE THIS SEASON BUT, AND I THANK YOU AGAIN FOOTBALL GODS, the Eagles don’t play an NFC East opponent until Monday night October 26 against the Redskins. Vick will have finished his suspension and will be ready to go.

Vick may not the fastest man in the NFL like he was for his entire career with Atlanta but he’ll still be one of the ten fastest in the league. Damn Filthy is gonna be f***ing scary this year once they hit their stride. And I thought the Giants were gonna be tough. And, as disappointing as it is, the Liver has very tempered down expectations for the Cowboys this season. They just got worse. But that’s okay because the Liver’s beloved Longhorns will be playing for a national championship this season. More often then not, at least one of the Liver's football teams is playing for a Super Bowl or a National Championship.

And YES sometimes it does disgust the Liver that he can come off (sports teams-wise in terms of winning) as an elitist. But it’s not band-wagon love as the Liver detests but the “good times and the times when you’re so embarrassed you drink yourself into a stupor and must be left alone for 24 hours” type love. As you all know, The Liver isn’t what one would call an “overly arrogant fan.” If my team sucks, they suck and I’ll call them on it every time. If they win, it’s because they were the better and luckier team.

This is for the ladies out there, all 5 of you who read this crap. If I ever get “New York” or “Boston” sports arrogant, please take me out for drinks followed by sex followed by a cigarette followed by you shooting me in the head. Thank you.

So Brandon Marshall is still “Unhappy in Denver”? The Broncos MUST get rid of this cancer. Rough time to be a Broncos fan?  Your new coach and management looks f***ing incompetent. Forced to trade away your two best players? But, both Cutler and Marshall are f***ing babies and whined their way out. 

Plaxico Burress gets 2 years in the funhouse for shooting himself in the leg? I think they might be serious about their gun laws up there in New York City.

Thank god for Al Davis and the Raiders. But seriously, wouldn’t it be the Raiders whose coach knocks out one of his defensive assistant coaches? They’re obviously gonna deny it but that might be the most publicity the Raiders get this season. Thank you football gods for a sure win while I get drunk this November 26 on Thanksgiving wine; feast on turkey and the Cowboys beat the Raiders.