Combine Awards: Byron Jones and John Schneider Headline the 3rd Annual Forties!
Birdman won best picture at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, but you probably did not see the quirky, artsy Birdman. You definitely saw the NFL Scouting Combine. Who needs to watch Michael Keaton play a down-and-out actor who descends into madness when you can watch Mike Mayock talk about 40-yard dashes until he descends into madness?
OK, Mayock's funky nervous breakdown is more Bulworth than Birdman. The point is that the combine is so darn entertaining that it deserves its own award show. And I'm the dude handing out the trophies.
These are the third annual Forty Awards. They recognize excellence in the fields of press-conference mumbling, workout wobbling and doing things that make all of us, not just Mayock, reach for the malt liquor.
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So without further monologues, raps, red-carpet gawking or babbling about which accounting firm tabulated which votes, let's hand out some Forties!
Least Drama in the First Round of the Draft Award: The Buccaneers and Titans
Lovie Smith is trying to create a smokescreen. He really is. "The plan is we'll move forward with Mike," he said of quarterback Mike Glennon. "He's the one quarterback on our roster right now."
Sure, coach. You will move forward with Mike Glennon throughout the month of February. But you spent the second half of last season proving that you would rather start a pencil sharpener at quarterback than Glennon.
General manager Jason Licht also did his best to sound non-desperate at quarterback. "We like Mike Glennon. We want him to be part of the future," Licht said.
The Buccaneers don't want to dissuade any team willing to trade 134 draft picks to move forward four spots. They don't want Jameis Winston's agent to think he can ask for the deed to Madeira Beach once the negotiations start (probably in mid-April). And yeah, Glennon is so likable to Lovie and Licht that a needy team should invest a midround pick in him; that midround pick can then be a part of Tampa Bay's future!
But the Buccaneers are selecting either Winston or Marcus Mariota in the first round, and by that I mean they are picking Winston in the first round. No one in greater Indianapolis felt otherwise this week, and when I sat front and center for their press conferences, I could almost see the wheels turning in Lovie's and Licht's heads when asked about this year's quarterback class: Make sure you speak in the plural. Remember the other kid's name is Marcus Something.
So the Buccaneers have their minds made up. The Titans could still surprise us, right? They need everything. Mariota might be a possibility, or pass-rushers Randy Gregory or Dante Fowler Jr. Or maybe a 3-4 defensive end like Leonard Williams to pair with their best player, Jurrell Casey.
Your thoughts on that, Williams? "I actually had my first informal meeting with Tennessee yesterday," the USC mammoth said Friday. "I got [Casey's] number by the coaches and actually gave him a call last night and talked about it and said we could be teammates!"
Teams don't generally give out phone numbers of their star players at interviews just to be polite or throw opponents off the scent. This will be the most anticlimactic one-two punch to start the draft since 2012, when the Colts had all but painted Andrew Luck on the side of Lucas Oil Stadium a month before the draft and Robert Griffin III was going on pre-draft retreats with the Shanahan family. (Heavens, that feels like a fever dream from 5,000 years ago in an alternate universe).
The Jaguars are on the clock, folks. And they probably love Fowler.
Suddenly Trending Award: Byron Jones, Cornerback, Connecticut
Some sports-talk guys sneer at the combine, calling it the "underwear Olympics" and acting like they are the cool kids at the varsity table who get to make fun of us geeks who do things like researching topics and interviewing sources. (You know, reporting the stories they will milk for a month).
Yeah, watching 40-yard dashes can be somewhat tedious, though never as tedious as watching round-the-clock talk shows that devote 20-minute segments to LeBron James picking his nose.
Anyway, it's a big deal when someone at the underwear Olympics does something worthy of the Olympic Olympics. Byron Jones executed a 12'3" standing broad jump Monday. His jump blew the previous combine record away by eight inches.
That's not just a combine record, folks. Jones set a world record. The standing long jump has not been an Olympic event for over 100 years, but the event stuck around for decades on the international track and field circuit.
Arne Tvervaag jumped 3.71 meters at a meet in Norway in 1968. That's a lingonberry over 12'2". Jones is now the world's greatest standing long jumper, and the Wikipedia standing-long-jump page, no doubt a hotbed of controversy and intrigue, has already been updated.
Draftnik nation went berserk over Jones' jump on Twitter. Because draftnik nation goes berserk every time a linebacker beats his projected time by 47-hundredths of a second (Kentucky's Bud Dupree ran a 4.56-second 40 while I was on a plane home from the combine; when we landed, my cellphone caught fire) it is easy to lose perspective on a truly amazing feat. Which is why we now interrupt with a message from an Angry Contrarian Troll:
"Big deal. So he can jump real high. Won't do him any good if the receiver is 10 yards past him. I haven't seen UConn beat Ohio State lately. You draft nerds forget that it's all about what happens when the pads are on and the bullets start flying. Some dumb team will draft this kid and he will be a bust. But at least he will be able to get cookies off the top shelf.
"
Thanks ACT. It turns out that Jones, who is still rehabbing a shoulder injury, gets a sixth- or seventh-round grade from most scouting services. Bleacher Report's Matt Miller ranked him 24th among cornerbacks before the combine.
Nobody is projecting Jones into the first round and expecting him to leap up and swat down passes to Dez Bryant in September. We are just impressed by the fact that we just saw someone jump about eight inches farther than anyone besides Norwegian track enthusiasts in their late 50s has ever seen before. Heck, even NPR took notice.
And yes, we will take a second look at the game tape. Because we saw something truly unique on daytime television instead of watching a couple of guys scream at each other about Danica Patrick.
Embrace Debate Award: Ryan Van Bibber, Writer, SB Nation
Ryan Van Bibber is the winner of this year's media award. He took it upon himself to ask coaches Gary Kubiak and John Harbaugh the most pressing question facing the human species in the 21st century: Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback?
"You bet he is," Kubiak said.
"Of course he is," Harbaugh said, suddenly looking confused. "Why is that such a trigger issue?"
Apparently, NFL head coaches and execs do not dwell in our little ironic world of meta-commentary (though Rick Spielman may be an exception). Van Bibber explained that the question was a "lampoon" of the typical midday sports-talk debate. "Ohhhhhh!" Harbaugh said, kinda-sorta getting the joke.
The NFL Scouting Combine is a learning experience for everyone!
Upon word that he had won a prestigious award, Van Bibber offered this brief Forty Award acceptance speech: "Strive for the eliteness within you." Inspiring. Van Bibber also wants to squelch rumors that he is the infamous PFT Commenter. Come to think of it, I also want to squelch rumors that I am the infamous PFT Commenter.
Sign of the Crosshairs Award: John Harbaugh, Head Coach, Ravens
John Harbaugh appeared at the podium with a grey, cross-shaped blotch on his forehead Wednesday. Well of course he did! It was Ash Wednesday, and I was at mass right behind Coach Harbaugh at St. John the Evangelist Church near the stadium, mom. Also, I fasted all day and had fish sticks for dinner at…er…St. Elmo Steak House.
Anyway, coaches these days with their Catholicism. Someone asked Harbaugh what he was giving up for Lent. "I'm giving up chocolate, and I am giving up bread," Harbaugh said. He's one step up on his brother, who is giving up Trent Baalke and Jed York.
Several minutes of precious press conference were then spent on the details of Harbaugh's Lenten sacrifice. What about tortillas, which are somewhat bread-like? Tacos? The breading on breaded chicken? Harbaugh played along, because time spent determining whether gluten-free bread would anger the Almighty is time not spent answering questions about the Baltimore Ravens.
Devout Catholic Tom Coughlin took the podium later in the afternoon without a reminder of man's mortality on his forehead. Pope Francis probably gave him a moist towelette at the end of mass.
Limit Your Job Options Award: Dante Fowler Jr., Defensive End, Florida
Dante Fowler gives good press conferences. He's engaging, upbeat and comfortable cracking a joke. "You don't want to be uptight, grumpy and mean. You get wrinkles on your face," he quipped Friday.
It's a media tradition to move any prospect who is pleasant and articulate up 45 slots on the draft board. But Fowler was already a consensus top-15 pick, and he performed very well in workouts, so there is no need for that. With his pass-rush capability and the versatility to play multiple positions along the defensive line and linebacker, Fowler could conceivably be a candidate to be selected first overall, at least in a world where the Buccaneers had not obviously made their minds up about Jameis Winston.
But then, maybe Fowler has made his mind up about the Buccaneers after growing up in St. Petersburg. "I like the Bucs, but, well, they're the Bucs," he said.
It's a good thing no one asked him about the Jaguars.
Best Performance by a Body Part Award: Jameis Winston's Shoulder
Hours before Winston spoke to reporters Friday, a report surfaced that NFL doctors found an issue with his shoulder. About 45 minutes after the first report, still well ahead of Winston's press conference, the QB's shoulder injury was downgraded from "major headline" to "routine nerve weakness."
The reports were perfectly spaced to create the ultimate Twitter train wreck: one set of hastily written blog postings trumpeting the news-worthiness of the injury coming minutes after another set of updates completely nullified those blog postings. And it all happened before Winston even took the stage by midday.
By evening, the whole breathless fire drill was forgotten. Prepare to repeat this sequence 40 times before the end of April.
Self-Conscious Smokescreen Award: John Schneider, General Manager, Seahawks
When asked about Seattle's decision to trade the final pick in the first round last year, John Schneider told of an exciting Thursday night in the Seahawks' war room. They were hoping a team with a quarterback need would call them in search of Teddy Bridgewater, and sure enough, the Vikings made a solid offer.
Schneider was then asked if the final pick in the first round has extra value. There's logic to the question—other teams might pay a slight premium to fill a need before heading to dinner Thursday night—but of course the best thing about the final pick in the first round is that you usually only get it for winning the Super Bowl.
So the question could have come too soon for Schneider. But the GM used the opportunity to do a little shopping instead. "The 31st pick is worth more," he said, eyes darting about jokingly. "It's worth a lot...to anyone listening."
A cute moment. Sure enough, I fielded several emails and phone calls, from readers and others, to the effect of "Boy, Schneider sounds determined to move that 31st pick, doesn't he?" They must have gotten wind of the quote from Twitter after both the line of questioning and goofy facial expressions were trimmed away.
Context is everything, folks. Twitter should come with a context feature, particularly during the combine. Then again, isn't "Twitter with context" a good description of all other human interactions but Twitter?
Blame the Media and Betray Too Much Information Award: Rick Spielman, General Manager, Vikings
Speaking of that Bridgewater deal, Spielman sounded pleased to have landed a promising quarterback at the end of the first round. He also gave credit for the late-round steal where credit probably is not due. "I'm thankful the media did him a disservice, in my opinion, last year by judging him on his pro day," Spielman said.
That's right, it's our fault. But wait a second…I thought NFL scouting departments were impenetrable towers of football knowledge which let in neither light nor the bibble-babble of us uninformed media types.
Spielman suggests that other teams were evaluating Bridgewater based on our evaluation of his pro day. If general managers—like coaches, scouts and equipment managers—completely sequester themselves from the opinions of the nattering press-room rabble, how does Spielman even know that Bridgewater's pro day was so heavily criticized? Also…if the Vikings rated him so much higher than us armchair experts, why didn't they take him with their first-round pick, which they invested (wisely) in linebacker Anthony Barr instead?
So many questions. But right now, I cannot answer them: I am too drunk on my awesome media power to alter the course of the draft by reporting an opinion. I don't think Kevin White is a top-10 pick. There's something about his fingernails I don't like. He will be a total bust unless he is taken 11th overall.
I will accept my kickback, Mr. Spielman, in "exclusive interview" form.
Wes Welker Award: John Schneider
When discussing would-be Super Bowl hero Chris Matthews, Schneider expressed a preference for wide receivers in the Matthews mold: 6'5", chiseled and…welp. "You'd rather have a wide receiver that looks like him than, say, looks like me: a short, pasty white guy."
Schneider then backpedalled as quickly as he could, given his genetic limitations (I am referring to height, of course). "Not that I have anything against white wide receivers. I'm not going down that road."
No, Schneider, you cannot go down that road. Especially after losing to the Patriots.
Breaking the Mold Award: Joey Mbu, Defensive Lineman, University of Houston
Sports Illustrated's Doug Farrar, who always goes the extra mile asking midtier prospects technical questions at small-group interviews, asked 6'3", 315-pound University of Houston behemoth Joey Mbu where he best fit in the NFL. "Slot receiver," Mbu (which is pronounced "Tvervaag") answered without hesitation.
John Schneider has nothing against that.
Carded at the Bar Award: Ryan Pace, General Manager, Bears
I love new general managers. I keep getting older, but they stay the same age.
It's great to see young executives get opportunities, but there have been prospects at the combine who looked older than Ryan Pace. And not just Brandon Weeden, either.
Pace's actual age is something of a mystery: His Wikipedia page lists his date of birth as "circa 1977" as if he were a Babylonian prince. I meant to ask Pace his true age, Ziggy Ansah style, but I was busy asking Laken Tomlinson about neurosurgery or something.
Pace is part general manager, part Latin American shortstop prospect, and the former high school football star and triathlete looks ready to grab a helmet and play safety for the Bears defense. After all, a few too many members of that defense in the last two years were also born circa 1977.
Maybe Pace will use his new power to change things, perhaps by erecting a picture of himself in the locker room with the caption, "You must look younger than this to enter."
Worst Animated Shorts Award: Robert Myers, Guard, Tennessee State
Robert Myers' nickname is "Snacks." Prepare to lose yours:
Jim Wyatt of The Tennessean reports that Snacks showed up for his team interviews in a suit and tie, as opposed to the warm-up gear (layers and layers of it, this frigid week) preferred by most players. Good idea, Snacks. Get that upper-thigh image out of everyone's mind.
Best Hair: Leonard Williams, Defensive Lineman, USC
Remember that new version of Annie that no one saw? Remember the previews that ran before every children's movie? All of the jokes were about Annie's poofy hair, except for the one about Cameron Diaz being a prostitute (which is the kind of joke that really makes me want to ship my eight-year-old off with grandma for a movie date).
Anyway, "Big Cat" Williams is more Rum Tum Tugger than Annie, but between the hair and the impressive game film, it really is a hard-knock life, if not for him, then for those who block him.
Best Beard: Eric Tomlinson, Tight End, UTEP
Eric Tomlinson's beard gets high marks for fullness, fluffiness, styling and the ability to capture the sense of motion in still photography.
Tomlinson's beard is no Byron Jones, but it also impressed in the standing high jump.
Thomas Dimitroff Memorial Fashion Achievement Award: Jim Tomsula, Head Coach, 49ers
Jim Tomsula arrived at his 49ers introductory press conference in January in a sport coat and tie, but he sounded like he had just swallowed a fistful of muscle relaxers, sometimes answering questions in the post-conference sit-downs with noises that sounded like "fuhh bluggle-bluh."
Look, you try conducting an interview with Trent Baalke screaming instructions into your earpiece while Jed York shocks your privates with a joy buzzer.
Tomsula sounded much more like a native English speaker at the combine podium Thursday, and he also displayed some bold, Magnum, P.I.-like fashion sense: an open-collared shirt with a wisp of chest hair peeking through the second button.
That will get the ladies swooning and the guys to listen up, or at least it would have done the job in the early 1980s. Come to think of it, maybe the whole point was to associate the current 49ers with that decade's dynasty.
Progressive Thinking Award: Lorenzo Mauldin, Linebacker, Louisville
Lorenzo Mauldin referred to himself as a "feminist" on Friday. Now there's a word you don't hear echoing across the combine floor with regularity.
"You see so much going on in all these documentaries about the players doing this wrong," Mauldin said, speaking passionately if not precisely. "They've done this with women, they've done this with their money, they've put themselves in a bad situation with women. I feel like just one word will reach out to someone else that has enough power to do something about it. It's enough if I can say something about it and be able to show that athletes need to respect women."
I like Mauldin as a potential outside linebacker. I really, really like him as a potential commissioner.
Savvy Play-Calling Award: Pete Carroll, Head Coach, Seahawks
Pete Carroll slipped into the room for his press conference early in the Jameis Winston carnival. Most reporters were trapped in a forest of colleagues and camera tripods, unable to fight their way to Carroll as he bootlegged along the perimeter of the press area to Podium A. It was a perfect late-game option play, three weeks too late.
Then again, maybe it was not so perfect. Several reporters were able to intercept him.
Lifetime Achievement Award: The "Have You Spoken to ..." Question
Teams are allowed to speak to 60 prospects at the combine. They also speak to players at the Senior Bowl and other events, then get to schedule lengthy private interviews late in the draft cycle.
A team drafting seven players will have spoken formally to well over 100 of them when all is said and done. They might even select players they have never spoken to formally. Teams can speak to college coaches and other secondary sources and get what they need about your basic Day 3 pick.
So when a reporter asks a player if he has spoken to a particular team during a combine press conference, that reporter is adding zero news value to the story of that prospect's journey to the NFL. The meeting does not confirm interest, and the lack of a meeting does not reveal a lack of interest.
All reporters know this. But many of us ask the question anyway, because "Major Prospect X Has Spoken with Team Y" makes an easy headline that can be mixed with two quotes and a standard player bio and shipped off to the editor for publication. Then we can ship ourselves off to St. Elmo Steak House.
Occasionally, a Leo Williams might recount a story about talking to Jurrell Casey, but that was the most newsworthy response I have heard of roughly 2,000 "have you spoken to ..." questions in six years on the combine floor. Most interactions go like this:
BEAT REPORTER 1: "Have you spoken to the Bears?"
PROSPECT: "Yessir."
BEAT REPORTER 2: "Have you spoken to the Bills?"
PROSPECT: "Yessir."
BEAT REPORTER 3: "Have you spoken to the Dolphins?"
PROSPECT: "Yessir."
BEAT REPORTER 3: "Was it a positive meeting?"
PROSPECT: "Yessir." (Reporter 3 can now break news of a "positive" meeting with the Dolphins!)
BEAT REPORTER 4: "Have you spoken to the Patriots?"
PROSPECT: "Um, err…I don't know. I can't recall one way or another. It's like there is a 15-minute gap in my life that I can never get back. It's all a fog. I've said too much."
The "have you spoken to" question has served us well, fellow writers. But it is old and tired, and soon no one will fall for our Happy Hour quick-take bait-and-switch. Let the question retire gracefully instead of forcing it to play granny roles in bad family dramas.
There are other rising stars for us to focus on in combines to come, particularly the fed-by-an-agent's-buddy favorite: "You have been called a mix of Joe Montana, Bruce Smith and St. Francis of Assisi, so talk about what makes you a surefire Hall of Famer!"
Oops, these Forties have run long again, just like the Academy Awards. Cue the music. I have to watch game tape on Byron Jones.
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.
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