Why Steve Smith Sr. Should Be the Next NFL Commissioner

Great leaders are forged in the furnace of strife.

Winston Churchill calmed a nation as death whistled overhead. Abraham Lincoln fought tooth and nail to reconcile a country divided. Andy Brinker defeated Val at the Battle of Big Hill, liberating the marginalized and reminding a generation that soul skating isn’t about the money.

The point is, dire times demand leaders, ones equipped to deal with the troubles of the day. The NFL needs such a leader, one who can pull the league's head from the cavernous depths of its haunches and save it from gaseous, self-inflicted asphyxiation.

Such a capable individual exists. He is not a politician or script-reading robot. He is but a man of average stature, great heart and a penchant for drinking your milkshake.

He is Steve Smith Sr., and he should be your next NFL commissioner.

"But why?" you ask. "What can Steve Smith do to repair the NFL's image and win back the trust of a nation? Why would we let an uber-aggressive, quote-dropping speed-gremlin take over the highest position in professional sport?"

I believe these questions answer themselves, but let's lay out the particulars.

Honesty

You want a straightforward commissioner? Someone who’d curb-stomp a claymore before uttering a fluffy phrase like “We will get it right”? Then Smith is your guy.

The 35-year-old wide receiver is—quite literally—incapable of saying anything but the truth. If he’s going to destroy your team and leave “blood and guts” on the field, he will let you know weeks ahead of time, likely on national television.

Of course, this is the kind of advance notice NFL fans and players can appreciate.

Which brings us to our next point…

Follow Through

In a day and age when NFL leadership says one thing and does another, Smith follows through on his promises.

When Commissioner Smith vows to gut the Carolina Panthers and snorkel in their viscera, he does it. With extreme prejudice.

SBNation

Further evidence, courtesy of SB Nation’s Louis Bien.

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Steel-Plated Guavas

While Roger Goodell soft-pedals controversy with “pics or it didn’t happen” ambivalence, Smith has the intestinal fortitude to stand up and lay down some #RealTalk. 

Furthermore, he knows the proper role of elevators in a modern society.

Scorched Earth Policies

In a Smith-led NFL, the commissioner will never take weeks to micturate a lukewarm solution on a hospital-fire issue. 

When Commissioner Smith is in charge, clearly guilty offenders will be taken care of swiftly and without mercy. Instead of flimsy two-week punishments sprouting into indefinite suspensions, Smith puts a nail in the coffin on the first serious offense. 

When you're on Commissioner Smith's exempt list, the only green you'll be seeing is the tall fescue you'll be bagging in his front lawn.

A Man of the People

Steve Smith is a 35-year-old man who stands 5’9” and weighs "195 pounds" frozen in carbonite.

He’s not the biggest or fastest horse in the stable, but he's an inspiration for everyone who has overcome trouble and strife in their lives.

Smith grew up broke, and unlike certain commissioners, his life story doesn't double as the namesake of a Creedence Clearwater Revival song. He got beat up in the schoolyard and honed his speed getting chased by a Doberman Pinscher. He won't take the position for granted.

All of the Celebrations, All the Trolling

You will never call it "No Fun League" again.

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They'll come crawling.

Anti-Cronyism 

As he's evidenced before, "same team" is not a phrase in Smith's lexicon. 

AP / @Dr_Carson_

No one is exempt from blame in a Commissioner Smith-led NFL—especially other Smiths.

A Three-Tiered Platform for NFL Recovery

The league is in a downward spiral, but Smith has a three-word philosophy to replace the NFL's stilted "Protect the Shield" ideology and return the sport to its former glory. Let’s break it down:

      1. Ice 

Ice-cold execution in all things, from policy to "that cut doe."

      2. Up

While Goodell sits back and plays the chief-security-officer-ate-my-homework card, Steve Smith keeps his head up and on a swivel, always alert for potential problems and opportunities.

      3. Son

Taking young, impressionable players under his wing and showing them how to navigate the rough waters of professional football and recover from injury.

In conclusion, it's time to take a stand, sports fans. We deserve a better NFL, and the NFL deserves a better leader, one who looks problems in the eye and says "put your goggles on."

Ice up, Roger. It's 89's year, and once he hangs up this jersey, he's coming for that too-comfy desk of yours.

#SmithForCommish

Follow @Dr_Carson_