12 Ways to Fix Tired Sports Traditions

Sports traditions are great, but a few of them are getting a bit tired. That is not meant to disrespect the great traditions of our great games. Certainly some things are carried out not because they make logical sense, but because they are tradition.

However, it is kind of fun to think about how we could freshen up some of the older traditions.

Instead of the Kiss Cam, the Atlanta Braves have something called the Simba Cam. Instead of dancing to the Y.M.C.A., why doesn’t the Yankee Stadium grounds crew get some of their own walk-up music?

If you've got a better fix, let's hear it in the comments. 

Which traditions most need to go? Let’s find out.

Body Painting

Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Body painting has long been a way for fans to show their true devotion. Even in the cold of winter, there are fans that will don a team name or slogan across their chests with pride. 

There is some nobility in that, but then again, these are the people that constantly stand up in front of other people at games. These are the people that need medical attention when they stood shirtless in the cold for too long. 

The Fix: Keep your clothes on. Have specialty T-shirts printed up, or stick to face painting. I have no problem with face painting unless it’s going to terrify children.

Helmet Nachos

Alright, this one is going to really steam some people, but a whole helmet full of nachos? Is this really necessary? 

The Fix: Regular-sized portions of food.

T-Shirt Cannon

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Fans scratch and claw, beg, borrow and steal their way over other people just to get their hands on a free size-XL, leftover T-shirt that’s most likely to end up in the garage sale bin? Who knows how many clamoring-related injuries are suffered along the way? 

Fans love free stuff, but nowadays, they are getting enough of it, what with free giveaways for thousands of fans at the turnstile almost every game. We don’t need to risk injury with a T-shirt cannon. 

The Fix: However, if a cannon is absolutely necessary, I recommend mystery prize cannon. Instead of rolled up T-shirts, soft containers of some sort are shot into crowds. Maybe there’s a team bumper sticker inside, maybe there’s season tickets! But whatever it is, it can’t be something the team’s marketing intern scraped up off the storage room floor.

Halftime Promotions

John Amis/Associated Press

Some halftime shows are cool, but most often, halftime is simply used as a period of time for sponsors to run tired promotions in front of a quarter-empty stadium since most people are in the bathroom or in hte beer line. 

Please, no more half-court shot contests that are simply going to be revoked because of the fine print. No more adults riding tricycles or musical chairs. 

Fix: I’m a big fan of putting the expensive Jumbotron to good use during these breaks in game action, as opposed to planning a big show for people who won’t see it anyway. 

Put another game on the Jumbotron for fans who happen to be in their seats. Or show one of the home team’s classic games. 

Or even, show a movie. Show movie previews. Show a Seinfeld rerun. Anything but the mascot failing at a trampoline dunk.  

Hat Trick Hats

Alex Brandon/Associated Press

It is admirable when hockey fans display devotion by tossing a perfectly good (and likely expensive hat) onto the ice after a player logs a hat trick. 

Then again, someone has to clean that up, you know. 

Besides, if I’m at that game, am I supposed to feel like less of a fan if I don’t want to throw my overpriced hat away like some sort of sacrificial lamb offered up to the hockey gods? 

This is supposed to be a sign of respect, I get it. But the players don’t keep the hats (or do they?)—if there is any justice in the world, the hats are donated to some type of non-profit organization, but who knows? 

Fix: I do agree—hat tricks are rare and admirable and deserve special recognition, but first off, let’s keep our hats on our heads. 

How about—if a player scores a hat trick, that player’s team donates hats to a local youth hockey team? Not as exciting for the fans probably, but much more useful.

Champagne Celebrations

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Locker room celebrations in baseball are getting out of hand. Bryce Harper wore a personalized fireman’s helmet to the Washington Nationals’ division-clinching celebration? Come on. 

Also, celebrating the clinching of a playoff spot seems a bit excessive. Sure, it’s exciting, but maybe wait until you’ve won something—like a pennant or a World Series—to go freaking berserk. 

Fix: Let’s move to no/tame celebrations for playoff-clinching. For pennant or World Series wins, let's do on-field celebrations only.  

I’m personally a big fan of baseball teams that, lately, have been returning from the locker room to celebrate with fans. 

Forget the boozy locker rooms—just take selfies with fans, toss them baseballs, give them a pie to the face. Let them join in on the action.

Gatorade Bath

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Did you know that the first Gatorade bath was an act of revenge? 

According to Darren Rovell of ESPN.com, New York Giants player Jim Burt was peeved at head coach Bill Parcells for motivational tactics used before a game against the Washington Redskins in 1985. After the Giants won, Burt decided to douse Parcells in Gatorade in “celebration.” 

So remind me again why it’s an honor to be soaked in sticky liquid?  

Fix: The simple solution here is to douse the coach in water, but truth be told, dousing doesn’t seem appropriate at all. 

Let’s go with carrying the coach onto the field. It should sufficiently embarrass him, yet still honor him, yet not create stickiness on him that will take days to fully clear out.

Y.M.C.A. Grounds Crew

The grounds crew is an under-appreciated element of professional baseball games, and yes, it should be highlighted and celebrated. 

But can we please stop hearing The Village People’s "Y.M.C.A." in the middle of every fifth inning at Yankee Stadium or any other American ballpark that has ever subjected people to this? 

Fix: Much like the players get to pick their own walk-up music, the grounds crew should pick their own grounds crew doin’-their-thang music. 

Yes, there should be grounds crew music, preferably accompanied by a hilarious grounds crew routine that constantly changes. 

New requirement for groundkeepers: Must have good and/or hilarious dance moves.

The Wave

Why people are still so amazed by The Wave, and why people still insist on doing it at sporting events is perplexing, to stay the least. 

The Wave was most likely invented by a cheerleader at an Oakland Athletics game in 1981, although nothing is confirmed beyond all doubt. 

After over 30 years, enough is enough. 

Fix: Sit in your seat unless exciting game action is happening—in which case, stand and cheer with reckless abandon. 

Student sections do their things when it comes to choreographed cheering, but if fans at professional games just have to be involved, then color-coordinated sections are a suitable alternative. Terrible towels are also a fine way to show your solidarity without standing up at inopportune times.  

Touchdown Dances

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It’s a good thing the NFL is way ahead of me here in trying to eliminate this ridiculous tradition with unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. 

Is there anything more arrogant than a pre-choreographed (often terrible) celebration dance? One of the best things about celebrations in sports is the spontaneity, the pure joy. 

Fix: The boring yet correct fix here is stoic silence with a possible fist bump or high five with a nearby teammate—possibly a hug if the moment warrants it. 

Basically, just stick with the natural reaction to a score instead of pre-planning your fake golf putting or baby holding.

Kiss Cam

The Kiss Cam has been around since sometime in the 1990s, according to a piece in Deadspin by Alan Siegel. Two decades is long enough. 

No one is at a sporting event to celebrate romance (at least they shouldn’t be). Besides that, the Kiss Cam inevitably just leads to awkward moments—a brother and sister go to a game together, two people who insist they are “just friends” go to a game together, two strangers are mistaken for a couple simply by virtue of their adjacent seats. You get the picture. 

If fans insist on getting super amped about being on the Jumbotron (don’t get me started), surely there is a better way. 

Fix: Luckily, the Atlanta Braves have found that better way.

The Braves have implemented the Simba Cam at Turner Field, and it is (gloriously) just what it sounds like.  

“The Circle of Life” from The Lion King plays over the loudspeakers as parents hold their babies up to the sky. Or maybe adults try to hold up other adults. Either way, it’s awesome and/or hilarious and/or both.

Celebrity First Pitch

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Sure, it’s fun to laugh at celebrities who can’t throw a baseball to save their lives, but it’s really getting old. Plus, celebrities are used to attention—they don’t need MLB giving them more. 

People like 50 Cent and Carly Rae Jepsen don’t need to be throwing baseballs.  

Fix: With that said, short of simply doing away with the ceremonial first pitch (a viable option), let’s make sure the honor only goes to someone who thinks it’s effin awesome and will remember it forever. 

Let’s only let little kids or lifelong fans or people who rarely attend games have this opportunity. 

New rule: You can’t throw out the first pitch if you’re not going to frame a photo of the moment and pass it down to your grandchildren.