From 'A' To 'Zander': A Comprehensive Lexicon Of B/R Terminology

This lexicon is the product of a group of B/R writers who felt it was time to organize the myriad of terms being bandied about in Bleacher Land (and in certain cases, create terms when none existed.)  Enjoy...

George Carlin was a genius, a social commentator and a wordsmith. Like Carlin, we too love words, never forgetting they are powerful and they may evoke passion or disgust or anger. Yet, they are just words and not reality. They represent ideas, concepts and truth or their opposites.

Words have special meaning in special contexts and some sports create their own special language. Tennis for example has love, let, and deuce, football has down, hash mark, and red zone, and baseball has walk, home and homer. 

These simple words have very special meanings in their respective sports and every fan knows exactly what it means to “walk” a batter or be “in the red zone” in football.

For Bleacher Reports while we have a specific act, concept, or practice we all recognize, we may not be familiar their respective names. Thus the need for our New Comprehensive B/R Lexicon.

We hope you will find its entries useful and informative, but above all, insulting, abusive, a new standard in low humor, and entirely tongue-in-cheek...

THE NEW COMPREHENSIVE B/R LEXICON - Terms you will need to know to survive in Bleacher Land.

THE BIG THREE

1. WHORING – The practice of promoting your material by advertising yourself on other people’s (BB) Bulletin Boards - announcing that you have a new article and asking the person to (1) read and comment, (2) cast a POTD his or her way or (3) add yourself as his or her fan.   
 
2. PIMPING – Endeavoring to accomplish the same thing as in No. 1 above but you are doing it for a friend or colleague or for someone else in order to win their vote the next time you ask for it.  Gathering votes for the future.
 
3. PANDERING -  Devious practice of commenting on other writer's articles using outrageously exaggerated praise in order to ingratiate yourself to the person so that they will be your fan and vote for you and your articles. 

And here are a few more where you might recognize the practice, but not know what to call it:

GENERAL TERMS:

BABE-FANNING - Having never read any of her articles or comments, you're her fan just because, well, she's a babe!

EGO-STROKING - To praise another writer's articles or style in the hopes of receiving a similar tribute.

CL-INGING - Adopting the style and nuances of your Community Leader (CL) in hopes of becoming co-CL, or even better, usurping your CL.

AOTD BOOBY PRIZE - Well-proven formula of achieving an article of the day award: a cleavage slide show

POTD BACKSCRATCHING - "You vote for my articles and I'll vote yours"

TYPES OF ARTICLES:

POSTHUMOUS LEGEND AWARD - Like a favorite sports hall of fame, but with Vincent Price, Paul Harvey, and Kathy Lee Gifford as a host. Morbid, boring and saccharine all at the same time.

CREATURE FEATURE - "group involvement", used primarily to boost the writer's rating under the guise of offering an "activity" or an article devoted to a B/R writer.

HIS, THE CRYING GAME - any article so embarrassingly sappy, soppy, or formulaic that it would be shot down by Disney screenwriters.

TRUE-BLUE FAN - any article hoping to get many reads and POTD awards based on proof of what a huge fan the writer is. "My wife left me"; "I never fed my cat during the playoffs", etc.  OR a brainwashed cult member or someone who has little else solid in life.

NOTELL PIECE PRIZE - an AOTD attempt article to call for peace in an unpleasant situation that the writer helped initiate in the first place. Self employment for self-righteous morons.

ON EDITORS:

THE DELETER - "If I don't get it, I kill it" or "Shoot first, ask questions later"

THE HIT-AND-RUNNER, QUOTA-MAKER - there to perform a flawless 15 second edit while changing "Threw" to "Through", in the wrong application, like correcting spelling without reading the article.

THE AUNTIE, MORAL MAJORITY - the equivalent of Dana Carvey’s SNL character "the Church Lady", only more grating. Always on the watch for...SATAN!?!

THE PEP SQUAD - "Great job, keep up the good work" usually populated by ex-flight attendants who have to say the same thing as you leave a plane.

THE CUT-AND-PASTER - always say the same thing regardless of the quality. See Pep Squad but more jaded and bored.

ON COMMENTING:

TROLLS - someone who is just a travelling pest. Not contributing anything significant but commenting negatively all the time.

TROLL-FOOD - Someone who gets so wound up about trolls that they take all of the baiting and abuse personally and respond with over the top histrionics - exactly what a troll thrives on. (courtesy of Joseppio)

THE HULK (as in The Incredible) - You dare not question me because 'you wouldn't like me when I'm angry'. Disagreeing with them is like asking for a punch in the face, they are totally one-eyed and objectivity is a foreign concept. Avoid at all costs. (courtesy of Joseppio)

FIGHT-PICKERS - A Troll with a published article that reads like a lobotomized parrot with anger issues.

NITPICKERS - A troll with an open on-line dictionary or stat page and no life.

BACK-PEDALERS - the literary equivalent of a circus chimp on a unicycle. No point is too solid to back away from at top speed.

JUST DROPPING BY'S - "I was just on my way to my profile page after picking up a gallon of milk and I noticed your car in the driveway." The literary equivalent of in-laws.

DRIVE-BY SHOOTERS - Not enough wit to stick around for the whole article, just picks enough of the point to flip-out over, then off to more carnage.

GASBAGS, ARTICLE-IN-A-COMMENT-ERS - someone without the sand to publish their own opinion or article, and uses yours to make a point that would be laughed out of publication were it published on its own merit.

CRYPTIC-SAY-NOTHINGS, ENIG-MORONS- A way to look intelligent and mysterious without being either.

KUDO-BEGGARS - "Well, enough about me...what do you think of my work?"

OFF-ON-A-TANGENT-CHATTERBOXES - starting a completely unrelated thread in the comment section of someone else's article.

COMMENT WHORING - linking your articles in someone else's comment section. "...and if you liked this article, you'll just LOVE this article that just so happens to be written by me. Here's the link" a way to whore without going through the trouble of visiting a profile page.  

ON CLs:

BUSYBODIES - The nosy neighbor from "Bewitched" with a computer, tend to get just involved enough to create a mess, then leave and complain about the people who have to clean up afterwards.

INVISIBLE MEN - wrote 50 articles, the last one was 18 months ago. Hasn't uttered a peep since.

MORALISTAS, BY-THE-BOOKISTAS - loves to point out the foibles of their own writers while possessing not one of the attributes they preach about.

CO-NTROL FREAK - a moralista with OCD.

MEDDLERS - Gets involved just enough to screw everything up, a less competent busybody.

GANG-BANGERS - only active with their "peeps" or "homies" for article raiding parties. Known to form lynch mobs on unsuspecting writers. 

BACKSTABEROUS LEADEROUS - like moralista but jealous that the non-CL writers in their community have more talent.

CANDY STRIPERS - could have a known cannibal in their community and still categorize it as "an eating disorder"


PROFILE TYPES:

THE TROPHY CASE - "I suck less than you think, just look at all my awards"

THE RESUME - "I suck less than you think, look at all I've done"

THE ME-WALL - "If I were anyone else, I'd pay money to hang out with me" a mix of trophy case and resume.

THE WANT AD - just looking for that Genie in a lamp that will grant them talent and a job without actually having to work for it.

THE PERSONAL WANT AD - Just looking for that special someone without actually having to work for it.

THE POOR-ME SYMPATHY CARD - "I can't write very well as you can tell, but I am determined to learn and follow my dream of stringing a comprehensive sentence together one day."

THE I'M BETTER THAN YOU - a Me-Wall without a sense of humility.

THE SALLY STRUTHERS - Valiantly looking to save the Dodo (too late) or cry out on the plight from someone you never heard of in a country you didn't know existed for an event that may or may not have ever actually happened.

THE INFOMEATHEADS - Provide seven hundred links to writers far more talented than themselves or pushing their blog that was last visited in 2002

THE CRYPTIC BABBLE - no one has ever understood what they're trying to say. Why Energy Drinks and writing at the same time should be outlawed.

THE ROSETTA STONE - The hidden message that no one bothers to uncover.

THE REBEL WITHOUT A CLAUSE/CLUE - Someone who is constantly railing against the machine, even if the machine is only a toaster.

THE WHIZZING CONTEST - someone who came in second in every single competition they've ever entered in life, even if they were the only participant. A Me Wall with an bigger inferiority complex.

THE POET - A history of LSD usage mixed with the subtlety of PT Barnum. Fiction press has categorized them as an environmental hazard so they came to BR.

THE HELP-MY-CAUSE - "I can't afford a telethon on my local cable access channel and people keep slamming doors in my face"  - the reason "Blocking" was invented

The FAREWELL MESSAGE - "can you please talk to the Warden for me, Or convince me that I'm incredible enough to stick around longer?"


PROFILE FOTOS:

WEDDING FOTO - "Look, see? I've actually been seen with a member of the opposite sex!"

GUYS NIGHT OUT - "I do so have friends" or when the guys get together and Chuck E Cheese just doesn't cut it.

CHECK OUT MY RENTED GIRLFRIEND - Same as wedding photo, only more expensive.

GROUPERS - "You may not like me, but other people do and I have photographic proof!"

KEEP THEM GUESSING DUET - "I'm the one you think is less unattractive...I think."

SCENE STEALERS - Lifted from a movie or TV show to represent someone who has none of the same qualities.

WISH THIS WAS ME - Why "My Space" and "Facebook" should protect its photos.

TIME-TRAVELERS - Would show you an ultrasound picture of themselves but they didn't have those in the middle-ages.

GENDER-BENDER - The BR equivalent of the SNL "It's Pat" character or Marilyn Manson.

CROP-CHALLENGED - "I'm that dot in the middle. Maybe some day I'll learn how to crop in Photoshop."

ACRONYMS:

POTD - Pick Of The Day - An article chosen as favorite by individuals. No limit on number chosen.

AOTD - Article of the Day - An article chosen by the Site as favorite by totaling individual POTDs.

LMAO - Laugh My A$$ Off - A visual cue.

IMO - In My Opinion - of course there is no other.

IMHO - In My Honest (Humble) Opinion - Uriah Heep posture.

LOL - Laugh Out Loud. 

FU - F*** You

BTW - By The Way

FOCL - Falling Off Chair Laughing

ROFL - Rolling On Floor Laughing

FWIW - For What It's Worth

GAL - Get A Life

JK - Just Kidding

JT - Just Teasing

OMG - Oh My God!

WTG - Way To Go

WTF - What (Who, Where, Why, When) The F***?

HTF - How The F***?

DILLIGAF - Do I Look Likt I Give A F***?

OF COURSE, NO COMPREHENSIVE LEXICON IS EVER TRULY COMPREHENSIVE. SO, IF YOU SEE SOMETHING MISSING, BE SURE TO LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS BELOW AND WE WILL ADD IT.