The Best Names for a Nashville Major League Baseball Team
Anytime a poll is released asking which American city deserves a baseball team, there are three that always appear. Las Vegas—which will never happen because of the physical proximity to gambling—and Charlotte are two. But we all know that the third, Nashville, is the best suited.
Why, you ask? Two reasons.
First, I'm from Nashville. It's a great city. The music, the weather, the diversity, the day/afternoon/night life. It's awesome. Yes, I'm biased.
Second, the city was born for baseball. Spring afternoons yield temperatures in the mid-70s, and the sun stays out late in the central timezone. A stadium south of Broadway on First Avenue would be an exquisite launching point for a night on the town.
But I'm not here to convince you that Nashville could support a pro team. I'm here to tell you what the eight best nicknames would be. Enjoy yourself.
Mock newspaper headline: "Banjos twang Yankees in extras!"
Why?: It's Nashville. It's country music. There's gotta be a banjo somewhere. Pretty simple.
What else?: Instead of doing something stupid like playing "Cotton-Eyed Joe" at every available moment, the Banjos could opt for "Foggy Mountain Breakdown," actually a good song.
Mock newspaper headline: "Nashville Stars move on to the final round!...of the World Series!"
Why?: Nashville Star was a mildly successful American Idol-like show with one twist: It was based in Nashville. This, of course, meant that all contestants were encouraged to wear cowboy hats and boots everywhere. They were required, though, to sing with fake country accents at all times.
There has to be some nod to the celebrity aspect that Nashville brings. This does pretty well in that.
What else?: She wasn't in Nashville Star, but Hayden Panettiere stars in Nashville. It'd be a big draw if we could get her to throw out a pitch every year. Or every game. Or she could play in right field.
Mock newspaper headline: "Raccoons scavenge win after slow start!"
Why?: Yeah, it's lame. But at least I didn't suggest the state bird, like the New Orleans Pelicans. Dorks.
What else?: You could have some pretty sweet alternate jerseys that read "Bandit" every so often. That's an extremely cliched nickname for raccoons, but if the Miami Heat can so worldly become "El Heat" during the NBA season, surely this is okay.
East Nashville Hipsters
Mock newspaper headline: "Hipsters fall flat because their pants are too tight!"
Why?: East Nashville is a growing, youthful community. It's also full of so-called hipsters, destined to be the first to wear thick-rimmed glasses, pants all year long and every kind of hat you can imagine. It's like a cross between Buddy Holly, an eskimo and a Kentucky Derby goer.
But they have awesome restaurants, I'll give them that.
The baseball team could do well with a "hip," "urban" vibe. A team called the East Nashville Hipsters could give them just that...until the game ran too long and the players left because they wanted to get some sleep before an early morning hot yoga session.
What else?: The way professional athletes are dressing these days, the Hipsters stand a chance to reel in some strong free agents on attire alone.
Nashville Goo Goos
Mock newspaper headline: "Nashville is Goo Goo good!"
Why?: The supremely satisfying Goo Goo Cluster was invented by the Standard Candy Company in 1912 in Nashville. During the Great Depression, it was sold as "a nourishing lunch for a nickel."
If a mouthful of marshmallows, peanuts, chocolate and butter isn't nourishing, then I don't know what is.
Mock newspaper headline: "Fiddlers rosin up the Nationals in rout!"
Why?: It may sound weird at first, but this is honestly a pretty solid name. It gives a nod to the country music tradition of Nashville, a must for a potential baseball team, but also has a little zest to it. It's a cool word to say, at least.
Charlie Daniels could wear out some "Devil Went Down to Georgia" pregame.
What else?: There are a lot of good songs you could use as promos. "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof would be pretty hilarious for a rich, overpaid player on the opposing team. "If You're Gonna Play in Texas (You've Gotta Have a Fiddle in the Band)" is perfect for games against the Rangers and Astros. It could be fun.
Nashville Cracker Jacks
Mock newspaper headline: "Cracker Jacks drunk on pancakes after fourth-straight loss!"
Why?: This is a pretty epic combination of two Tennessee specialties. Cracker Barrel was founded and is still headquartered in nearby Lebanon. Still a successful restaurant chain, it sticks to its simple, rural roots almost as obsessively as Motel 6 ("We'll leave the light on for ya!"). We like that.
Jack Daniels Whiskey forms the second half of this name. Based out of Lynchburg, Tennessee, ole Jack means something to everyone: A friend when in need, a foe lurking in the dark, a disenchanted lover, an exciting new fling. When you travel internationally, people know Jack Daniels. What a way to involve the world in Nashville's new baseball team!
Oh yeah. There's the whole Cracker Jacks-and-baseball aspect that makes this name rock, too.
What else?: Jack Daniel was famous for his love of the number seven. It'd be kind of cool to honor the team captain with that number, wouldn't it? And give him a year's worth of Cracker Barrel syrup, too?
Mock newspaper headline: "The Nashville Tennesseans win the game."
Why?: Hey, Houston did it.
What else?: Sheldon Cooper would almost assuredly be a fan of our team's straightforward, no nonsense name.