The Best One-Liners in Sports Movie History

Dan Carson@@DrCarson73Trending Lead WriterOctober 30, 2013

The Best One-Liners in Sports Movie History

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    Zingers. Quips. Witticisms.

    Call them what you want, but good one-liners are like hatchets—social survival tools that can save lives when put in the right hands.

    They break the ice, make friends and are the most effective way to quickly identify people you have nothing in common with. Solid one-liners can do everything but desalinate water, and they range anywhere from deathly serious to completely comical.

    With that said, the following are some of the best one-liners in sports movie history. Prepare to repeat some of these all day.

    Warning: This article contains video with adult language. So if you can't handle the heat, get out of the slideshow.

20. Larry Bird Isn't White (Space Jam)

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    Quote: "Larry's not white—Larry is clear."

    If it's possible to underrate a Bill Murray performance, his brief appearances in Space Jam might be the most underappreciated work in the actor's entire canon.

19. Hurtin' Bombs (Rocky Balboa)

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    Quote: "Let start building some hurtin' bombs!" —Duke

    By the time Rocky Balboa came out, the Philadelphia champ could't run, spar or do anything remotely agile. He was a borderline handicapped man with Social Security checks fluttering on the horizon.

    Duke saw no problem with that—just an opportunity to turn Rocky into a power-punching automaton.

18. Excrement for Breakfast (Happy Gilmore)

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    Warning: Video contains adult language.

    Quote: "You better watch your back, I eat pieces of (bleep) like you for breakfast." —Shooter McGavin

    Shooter McGavin is one of the best-named characters in cinematic history. That being said, thinking on his feet wasn't his strong suit.

17. The Sizzler (White Men Can't Jump)

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    Quote: "We goin' Sizzler...We goin' Sizzler."

    Junior was doing zero of the work, but he was really excited to go to the Sizzler after the shootout between Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle.

16. Clear the Mechanism (For the Love of the Game)

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    Quote: "Clear the mechanism." —Billy Chapel

    It's completely cheesy and from an awful movie, but there's something ironically ridiculous about Billy Chapel's "clear the mechanism" line. 

    It's also a handy mantra for whenever the Dulcolax isn't quite cutting it.

15. Death Apathy (Rocky IV)

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    Quote: "If he dies, he dies." —Ivan Drago

    Drago was the strong, silent type. The few words in his vocabulary were always spoken with reserved passion.

    If you die, you die. That's not cold or cruel. It's probably just how healthcare professionals in Soviet Russia diagnosed patients.

14. Jesus Curveball (Major League)

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    Warning video contains adult language.

    Quote: "You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?" —Eddie Harris

    Eddie Harris is a man of God, and being so, he tried to convince Pedro Cerrano that Jesus could help him figure out his swing. Cerrano wasn't buying it.

13. The Price Is Wrong (Happy Gilmore)

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    Warning video contains some language.

    Quote: "The price is wrong, (bleep)!" —Happy Gilmore

    Adam Sandler and Bob Barker fighting, rolling down a hill and then continuing to beat each other would have been a cheesy afterthought from Happy Gilmore, had Sandler not uttered these five unforgettable words.

12. Collie Problems (Caddyshack)

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    Quote: "Oh yea? Your uncle molests collies."  —Ty Webb

    Ty never minced words when it came to Judge Smails' dog-handling techniques.

11. Crying: Never in Baseball (A League of Their Own)

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    Quote: "There's no crying in baseball!" —Jimmy Dugan

    He might have chastised Evelyn Gardner a bit too harshly, but Jimmy Dugan meant to teach her a lesson. That lesson was that he had a terribly harsh tenure as a player under some hard-case coaches. 

10. Hats for Bats (Major League)

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    Quote: "Hats for bats...keep bats warm...gracias." —Pedro Cerrano.

    Have your bats gone cold? Pedro Cerrano knows the fix. Hats for bats!

    They're like golf-club head covers, only exactly the same.

9. You Can Do It (Waterboy and Pretty Much Every Adam Sandler Movie)

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    Quote: "You can do it!" —Townie (Rob Schneider)

    If you're ever feeling down, just watch this Rob Schneider "You can do it" montage and consider your day officially turned around.

8. If You Build It... (Field of Dreams)

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    Quote: "If you build it, he will come." —The Voice

    Out of context, this sounds like a promise whispered by the bad guy from the Saw movies.

    However, the Voice in Field of Dreams was more into Ray Kinsella making dreams come true, as opposed to ending people's lives in a bathroom.

7. Sweep the Leg (The Karate Kid)

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    Quote: "Sweep the leg." —John Kreese

    It wasn't noble advice, but defeat is never an option. Not in the Cobra Kai dojo.

6. Breaking Rocky (Rocky IV)

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    Quote: "I must break you." —Ivan Drago

    The giant, half-mute Russian boxer wasn't exactly a chatterbox, but any time he said anything, you knew it was going to be good or extremely terrifying.

5. A Bit Outside (Major League)

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    Warning: Video contains adult language.

    Quote: "Juuuust a bit outside!" —Harry Doyle

    This scene from Major League is a veritable treasure trove of one-liners.

    Along with Harry Doyle's "just a bit outside" crown jewel, other notables include "Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the offseason..." and Haywood's "How's your wife and my kids?" joke at the plate.

4. Funky Butt-Lovin' (Rookie of the Year)

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    Quote: "OH!! Fffffffunky...buttlovin'!" —Doctor

    Kids walked away from Rookie of the Year with only one takeaway—the knowledge that the phrase "funky butt-lovin'" was the best thing they had ever heard in their life.

    Seriously, that phrase has retained its value better than African diamonds.

3.Low-Grade Dog Food (Caddyshack)

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    Quote: "This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it." —Al Czervik 

    He never gave a single damn. Not once in his entire life.

    Al Czervik was the king of the one-liners, and the producers of Caddyshack couldn't have picked anyone but Rodney Dangerfield to play the part. The movie just wouldn't have worked without him.

2. The Ultimate Childhood Insult (The Sandlot)

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    Quote: "You play ball like a GIRL!" —Ham Porter

    One of the most appropriately named characters in cinematic history, Ham Porter was the quintessential loudmouth friend, and his one-liner to Phillips was the childhood version of a mic drop.

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1. The Worst-Looking Hat Ever (Caddyshack)

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    Quote: "When you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup!" —Al Czervik

    In 10 seconds, Al Czervik bought half the Bushwood pro shop, mocked its inventory and humiliated one of the club's most influential members.

    Put simply, this entire monologue is nothing short of sublime.

    Join me on the Twitters, where everyone is a one-liner genius.