The All-Supervillain Football Team

This article is a follow up to "The All Superhero Football Team" (for that article, click here: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/169110-the-all-superhero-football-team).

The same basic rules apply:

Even though all of the participants are Supervillains, we agreed it only fair that there are no two-way players. 

That said, I should explain a little something about the way this team operates.

First off, their defense is a 4-3 scheme (as opposed to the Heroes' 3-4). Secondly, the Villains run a wishbone offense with only one receiver. After we had finished compiling our player roster, we realized our team was built for the run. This is an old fashioned, punch-em-in-the-mouth, downhill running football team.

You could of course disagree but because of the team's the overall lack of speed, I think this one makes sense. I mean shoot, Lex Luthor is coach, you know he has tricks up his sleeve. It also should allow fewer chances for mistakes from our QB.

Head coach: Lex Luthor

While Luthor always seemed to be vanquished by Superman, he never had this type of talent to work with. His extreme intelligence and out-of-the-box ideas should allow him to develop smart, tactical game plans that will not only befuddle opponents, but probably confuse his own team as well. Which is OK, because his QB probably won't listen to him half the time anyway.

DEFENSE

Left Defensive End: Loki

Standing an impressive 6'4" and weighing 524 pounds, Loki is not your typical speed rusher. But, being the step brother of Thor, we felt that their abilities would be similar, and since Thor is a DE, Loki would be pretty good too. His combination of speed, strength, durability, and shape-shifting should make him effective both in getting to the passer and shutting down the run. Not to mention the energy beams he can emit, which should come in handy if he gets pulled to far downfield on a reverse.

Left Defensive Tackle: Kingpin

Think Ted Washington. Kingpin comes in at 450 lbs, and while smaller than Loki, we figure he can take two offensive lineman on any given play. He will bunch up the middle of the field, which should allow the linebackers to make more plays. He can also be the leader of the defensive line. Add in the toughness that was added on while he was in prison, and he could be a handful... Literally.

Right Defensive Tackle: The Blob

If Kingpin is Ted Washington, then the Blob is Keith Traylor or Tony Siragusa. Big, strong, tough, and ... did I mention big? The guy weights 510 lbs., for crying out loud. I mean Kingpin and the Blob could probably occupy the entire offensive line by themselves. And think, there can be no real team that will ever be able to run between the tackles with these two forming a wall there.

I mean it, if the French had this type of wall to keep out the Nazis as opposed to the Maginot Line, we probably wouldn't have had WWII 'cause they would have had no chance.

Right Defensive End: Bane

Bane is crazy. Much like Loki, he is not the stereotypical DE. That said, the man has incredible strength, speed, stamina, durability, and reflexes, which should allow him to cover his area. With Bane at the end of this line, one can only imagine trying to run against this team.

However, there was controversy here because we think Bane will get a four-game suspension at somepoint since most of his powers come from getting pumped with supersteroid venom.  There is no way he can mask that from the commish's office.

(We actually anticipate 'Roids to be a continuous problem for both Bane and the whole Villains team, but to be fair, no one in their right mind would try to suspend these guys)

Strong-Side Linebacker: Sabertooth

The strength of this defense will reside in the linebackers. Sabertooth, coming off the strong side, has both the speed and the tenacity to both cover tight ends and take on lead blockers. His cat-like reflexes and strength make him a nightmere for any fullback trying to blast a hole to run through. Add in his self-healing powers and you realize that you will not be able to wear him down, even in the fourth quarter.

Middle Linebacker: Brainiac

The first of several wildcard selections. Brianiac combines strength with intelligence to create the perfect MLB. He is durable, strong, fast, and very smart. Include his telepathy, and no quarterback will ever be able to fool him with a play action pass, or look him off a receiver. This is Brian Urlacher/Mike Singletary/Dick Butkus. This is your defensive field general.

Weak-Side Linebacker: Venom

I know that most of these villains are nasty, but is anyone even close to Venom? The simple answer is no. Venom is the ideal size for the WLB spot, and his desire for inflicting pain is exactly what this defense needs. He is strong, fast with an incredible leaping ability and has a "Spiderman-like sense," which means he can anticipate plays before they develop.

He will lead the team in penalties, which is saying something when you look at this roster from top to bottom.

Strong Safety: Dr. Doom

Try going over the middle on Dr. Doom. I dare you. Run that crossing patterns and you will be annialated. What Doom lacks in speed (I know he has super speed, but seriously, compared to the other people on this team, it is just average) he makes up with in strength, stamina, energy blasts, and sheer evil.

Just his presence is enough to make even the gutsiest receiver think twice before trying to run an inside slant because, apart from being hit, you know Doom won't blink at being flagged 15 yards for a late hit or helmet-to-helmet contact.

Free Safety: Onslaught

Onslaught had an interesting history, but if I could give a synopsis of how he came about, I would say that he is the bastard child of Xavier and Magneto. Not a bad pair to draw your powers from, huh? This is beneficial to him because his powers include speed, mind control/mind blasts, the ability to change size (makes tackling a big receiver a lot easier) and the ability to create force fields, which means Hail Mary passes will be a pain to try to complete.

Cornerback: Toad

Here is a guy (for lack of a better word) that you do not want to throw a jump ball near. We eventually settled on corner for Toad because we figured he could make up for his lack of speed with his jumping skills, his overall agility, and what has been described as, "his superhuman insanity." We all seemed to like that in a player.

Nothing worries a person more than a guy who is crazy and unpredictable enough to do something totally irrational and probably highly illegal (such as biting players in a pile up or taking his helmet and beating an opposing player with it.)

Cornerback: Vulture

Ballhawk. 

OFFENSE

Left Offensive Tackle: Omega Red

An enemy of the X-Men (Wolverine originally) Omega Red is a solid left tackle. Standing at a towering 6'11" and coming in at 425 lbs., he is as strong as he is big. He should be perfect to cover our QB's blindside and coupled with our right guard, expect the Villains to run left... early and often.

Left Offensive Guard: Apocalypse

Want to open up a hole for the run game? Apocalypse might as well be penciled into the Hall of Fame now. The man is a human wrecking ball. He is strong, can shape-shift (which adds extra power to wherever he needs), heals quickly, doesn't get tired, doesn't require water, and is still considered fast. Apocalypse will be able to pull and bust open a hole large enough to drive a semi through, which is about the size of our backfield.

Center: Abomination

Using the same concoction that the Incredible Hulk used, Abomination became permanently stuck in that form, so you know he is going to be pissed looking like that all the time. And what is more, he has all the attributes of the Hulk:Sstrong, fast, and smart. The intelligence is what made us place Abomination here. As the center he will be in charge of the line and all of the assignments. Think Olin Kruetz.

Right Offensive Guard: Doomsday

A major rival to Superman, Doomsday stands at a towering 8' tall and weighs the second-most out of anyone on the team at 915 lbs. Doomsday comes equipped with natural armor and can absorb energy from otheres, which will be useful in the fourth quarter when his opponents are already weakened. 

That said, the chances of him absorbing some of his own teammates energy is not only possible, but highly likely. Nevertheless, his abilities will make him excellent for both pass and run blocking, and there was no way we could leave him off the team.

Right Offensive Tackle: Darkseid

If you thought Doomsday was big, Darkseid takes the cake. At 8'9" and coming in at a massive 1,815 pounds, Darkseid is perfect for the tackle position. While not overly fast, his strength and immense size should provide enough protection for the quarterback, as well as the running back. And if he can get his hands on the DE facing him, game over.

He has strength, stamina, mind control (again, anticipating the defenses scheme will give him an advantage every down), healing, and intelligence. We figured with Darkseid and Doomsday together, the right side of the O-Line, they could get its own zip code.

Runnning Back No. 1: Juggernaut

An easy decision, not only for me and my brother, but for all the commenters from the previous article. Once the Juggernaut gets a head of steam, there is no stopping him. He will blast threw any would-be tackler and probably leave tread marks. Think Brandon Jacobs, except bigger and angrier.

Running Back No. 2:  Carnage

Who has more intensity than this guy? The man was born for stardom. A total package-type player, Carnage has it all: Speed, healing, durability, danger sense, agility, strength, and the deal-closer, camouflage. I mean how, badly will that mess with defenders? Hand off left, a flurry of blockers, including a guard, a fullback, and the Juggernaut, and Carnage can just blend into the background. And once he gets in the open field, speed kills. A deadly one-two running back punch.

Fullback: Rhino

Fitting in perfectly for a run oriented offense, Rhino will be clearing the way for Juggernaut and Carnage. The thunder and lightening effect is utilized to the maximum with Rhino following whichever one of the guards is pulling. I mean, is this even fair? The wishbone formation with this type of backfield could be unsurpassed by any NFL team, ever.

Tight End No. 1: Doctor Octopus

Easy decision. The man has four titanium arms that have a wingspan of more than 15 feet. He is smart and strong, and will be impossible to guard on third downs and in the red zone. At his age, he would be considered a savvy vet and will probably be a favorite target of the QB, who does have a tendency to force throws.

With Doc Oct, this will not even be an issue. He can also be moved to the outside and used as a possession receiver if needed.

Tight End No. 2: Sandman

While he doesn't scream throw me the ball, Sandman's major attribute is his intangibility.  Let me repeat that, INTANGIBILITY. The yards-after-catch from this guy will be incredible. I mean, try and tackle him. Try... I dare you. Arm tackle? His arm will dissolve. Try and take out his legs.

While you might succeed, he is made of sand; how could you tell if his knee is down? Besides, it will probably re-form after you have gone through it. Totally brilliant.

And should the need arise...

First alternate Wide Receiver: Hobgoblin

We figured that the Hobgoblin's energy and desire will make him an excellent possession receiver. He is fast and quick, with great abilities. Although he is another that benefited immensely from a steroid-like substance. But, barring a surprise suspension, look for the Hobgoblin to catch 60 passes or so a year and get close to 800 yards. If needed, he can sub out for the Sandman or Rhino, depending on the formation.

And finally, your Supervillains Quarterback: Brett Favre

HA! The perfect hero-turned-heel in the history of the NFL, Brett Favre has gone from one of the most loved and respected players to a can't-quit, over-the-hill crybaby. While he is a leader and can make plays, he will also force throws and never admit when he is wrong. This might actually be the only team that is seriously interested in him.

And with his O-Line, he wouldn't be able to give up any cheap sacks to Michael Strahan. (Other choices included Michael Vick, Ryan Leaf, or Skeletor.)