UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman Speaks on Cringeworthy Childhood

UFC middleweight champ Chris Weidman isn't to be messed with.

Wu-Tang protects their necks when he enters the 36 chambers.

He could make a conspiracy theorist kill off his World of Warcraft character before the Hot Pocket dings in his mother's microwave.

Weidman flaunts a flawless 10-0 record against professional Tier 1 bullies; he's 0-1 versus zippers.

In a recent interview that's just now gaining traction around the web, AskMen.com delved into Weidman's childhood and coincidentally unearthed the roots to his me-against-the-world mentality. 

Judging from his answers, he was more Steve Urkel than Steve Seagal as a child. [Insert your Anderson Silva jab here.]

Weidman's worst nine-to-five came in the form of shucking clams—a job that drew more blood from him than his UFC career to date.

But cutting yourself mid-shuck has happened to the best of us.

However, Weidman goes on to recount his most traumatic childhood experience—the night terror that drenches men in more sweat than Patrick Ewing after the "ghost pepper challenge."

A first-grade Weidman was standing at a urinal when a kid looked over and startled him, and in Weidman's words, "Boop! Totally caught in the zipper."

Said urinal looker alerted a nearby teacher—she couldn't undo the mangled horror. 

That educator brought the delicate situation to the attention of Weidman's teacher. She, too, flunked at history's worst round of Operation. 

The school nurse rushed to the scene. Apparently, "frank" and "beans" weren't listed in the Nursing 101 glossary. 

Even the paramedics couldn't solve the nightmarish riddle. Eventually, Weidman was stretchered out before the entire school, with a jean sample and the snapping turtle of zippers clenched to him. 

This is where a happy ending punctuated the 10th circle of Dante's Inferno, right?

Eh, not so much.

Weidman offers, "And my brother, who's three years older than me, told everybody in the school that they had to cut off my penis."

Mutilation: check.

Celibacy: check.

Then, the dual threat strings together a triple combo of "that guy-isms."

The middleweight explains:

"

And you know what's even worse than that? I had a lazy eye, growing up. So, they had to do surgery, and I had a patch on all [throughout] first grade. So, I had one eye patched up with a big bandage on it, and kids think I have no penis.

"

In other words, the UFC's All-American titleholder received one first-grade valentine, and its "secret admirer" sign-off was a pseudonym for "your mother."

Whether you're a Weidman supporter, Anderson Silva loyalist or foil-armored conspiracy theorist who swears Dana White's an Illuminati puppet, this man deserves your respect. 

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