You Are No.16 for the New York Rangers

Picture: You are Sean Avery, No. 16 for the New York Rangers in the National Hockey League. Imagine going a mile in his hockey skates.

You would have to skate fast and hard, dodging or taking hits from the biggest, baddest, NHL enforcers.

OK, there’s no one to worry about on the Washington Capitals, really, but you could face the Boston Bruins in the second round of the playoffs.

If the Rangers upset the Bruins as well as the Caps, you could be riding a dark horse into the Stanley Cup finals before too long. If your team winds up playing against the Detroit Red Wings, you should be alright.

But what if you face your old friends on the Anaheim Ducks? You played with Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaff in the AHL, getting over 300 PIMs with the Cincinnati Mighty Ducks.

Those two are now terrorizing goalies and teams in the Western Conference of the NHL while you are the hockey player fans love to hate in the Eastern Conference.

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Put off contemplating what the Bruins will do to you after you tapped their goalie, Tim Thomas, in that last game.

Remember when you did that? It was like touching a match to a powder keg. Now Milan Lucic and Zdeno Chara are waiting for you to beat the Capitals so they can beat on you.

The Rangers are contemplating benching you right now because you belted a couple of defensemen in the last game against the Capitals. But against the Bru crew, they’ll want you on the ice to fight Lucic and Chara.

So far, the series with the Caps has been strange. Nobody expected you to win a game and now you’re up three games to one.

You’ve battled with Mike Green, the highest scoring defenseman, and he has no goals. Your team shut down Alex Ovechkin and you got in a few hits on him, too.

The top scorer in the NHL has one goal in four games. You’d like to go a round or two with him, wouldn’t you?

You’ve battled John Erskine and, well, the list goes on and on.

There’s a demon on your shoulder, you say, and you’ve got to keep him under control. Nobody wants a repeat of what happened between you and Marty Brodeur of the New Jersey Devils in the playoffs last year.

Do they. Or do they?

The NHL made a new rule because of you and it was named after you. “How does that make you feel?” reporters want to know.

Stop talking to reporters, many advise. Your big mouth just gets you into too much trouble.

Play within yourself, the coach says, whatever that means. Shut up, keep your game simple, and you’ll be a hero instead of the No. 1 villain in the NHL.

That devil on your shoulder is an issue. Lots of people say they have one, but most of them say there’s an angel or something on the other shoulder.

Where’s your angel? All you’ve ever had on your other shoulder is a chip a lot of hockey players want to knock off.

It ain’t easy being you, is it? You are the most hated hockey player in the NHL. Everybody takes shots at you and the refs are not on your side.

You’re also the hockey player fans outside of New York love to hate. You turn all that negative energy into fuel for fighting, skating, and scoring a few big goals.

Your hockey schtick gets other guys off their games. Sports writers call it The Avery Effect. It could get you killed.

A lot of hockey fans hate you. Beautiful female movie stars, cover girls, and swimsuit models want to date you.

You’re a little bit like Dracula, aren’t you? But you don’t think about that. You have to focus on driving a stake into the heart of the Washington Capitals.

P.S. The thing about Avery is that he is an "every man." He’s the little guy, at 5’9” or 5'10”, with whom we all identify.

Everybody lives vicariously through his exploits, but who else would be brave enough to take one lap around the arena in his hockey skates?