25 Worst Songs by Footballers

When football and music meet, sometimes the results can be magical.

Many musicians are passionate football fans and singing about their love for the game can make some wonderful art. For example, “Three Lions” by The Lightning Seeds, Baddiel & Skinner , “Theme From Sparta FC” by the Fall and "Strachan" by The Hitchers.

But that is musicians doing music about football. When that exact formula is deviated from, the results can be dire.

Such as musicians trying to be footballers. (Isn't that right, Diana Ross?)

Or, even worse, footballers trying to be musicians.

They very rarely mean harm, but when a person who has spent most of his or her life training to become a professional athlete thinks “making music seems like an easy gig, I might try that,” the results are usually abhorrent.

If you have the stomach, join us on a journey through the 25 worst songs made by footballers.

WARNING: The following slides contain shocking imagery and scenes that some may find disturbing.

Many thanks to Mike Adams of credible music blog Travellers Tunes and Morning Star for helping me rank this list.

25. John Barnes: "World in Motion"

This is the least of the 25 evils.

Okay, John Barnes was an adequate rapper and New Order are a decent band

It’s actually a passable song and, for the standards of footballers picking up a microphone, actually quite good.

However it’s mitigating qualities are without doubt down to professional musicians, New Order, being behind the song. Would a track by John Barnes on his own be as good as this?

If the next 24 entries are anything to go by, probably not.

A particular highlight is around the 1:49 mark in this video where we see Chris Waddle's (get used to that name) mullet trailing in the wind as he runs with the ball.

24. Peter Crouch: Various

In this world of 7 billion humans, there are probably only about 17 who look less like a rapper than Stoke City striker Peter Crouch. However, this fact doesn't stop Crouch from dropping some lyrics every now and again.

He even had a stab at John Barnes' rap from "World In Motion".

And he's slightly worse at singing, as well.

This is quite low down because, no matter how terrible it is, in Crouchy’s defence, he isn’t actually trying to make a career out of music at the moment.

And, for the safety of us all, let’s hope he never does.

23. Franz Beckenbauer: "Gute Freunde Kann Niemand Trennen"

Apparently Franz Beckenbauer had quite a successful singing career in Germany. So we're keeping this down low in the list, in case it's actually good in Germany.

But "Gute Freunde Kann Niemand Trennen" (translation: Good Friends Can Never be Separated) the song itself sounds like an old Christmas carol, broken up by spells of applause at random intervals.

The music video looks like Beckenbauer is the leader of a tracksuit-wearing cult, who is using the medium of television to invade your brain and fill it with his wicked doctrine.

Also, Der Kaiser's teammates look like they want to be there as much as they want to relive the 1966 World Cup Final.

22. Carlos Tevez/Piola Vago: "Dejala"

If you didn't know Carlos Tevez was in a band called Piola Vago, you're one of the lucky ones.

Again, this is pretty down low in the chart as it might be good in Argentina. But it almost certainly isn't.

There is no room in today's world for, what sounds like, an accordion synthesizer solo like there is at the end of "Dejala".

Also looking at Piola Vago's other performances, Tevez doesn't actually do that much in the band.

And let's not mention the dancing. The terrible, terrible dancing that he did without a single care for the well-being of people who may see it.

21. Andrey Arshavin: “Cheburashka”

After announcing his retirement last week, it's fair to say Arshavin’s Arsenal career might not have gone as well as he had hoped, but it’s been a damn sight better than his music career.

Andrey Arshavin has a voice as smooth as a rock wrapped in toast when singing the theme tune to an old Soviet children's show.

Like Peter Crouch this is low down on the chart because Arshavin doesn’t actually seem to be selling music and just doing karaoke on TV for some stupid, stupid reason.

Here are some other footballers trying their hand at karaoke.

Wayne Rooney singing Oasis, which the City supporting Gallaghers will without-a-doubt love:

Rio Ferdinand rapping:

Cristiano Ronaldo "singing" in his car:

And, in a video that will offend Manchester United and Liverpool fans alike, Robin Van Persie singing "You'll Never Walk Alone":

Hand on heart, Robin, we'd rather walk alone now.

20. Terry Venables: "If I Can Dream"

Former England manager Terry Venables had a stab at becoming a crooner, even releasing three albums. This effort, a cover of Elvis Presley’s “If I Can Dream” was meant to be a patriotic anthem that would unite a nation ahead of England's 2010 World Cup campaign.

However, it actually encouraged Englishmen to look through their family lineage in hopes of finding some Irish, Scottish or North Korean heritage they could cling to.

It is no doubt what Elvis would have wanted for his song, for it to be covered by a former Crystal Palace manager. Let’s hope Attilio Lombardo has a go at “Jailhouse Rock” soon.

El Tel is quite low on the list because, whilst it isn’t terrible, it certainly isn’t good.

Honestly, trust us, it’s going to get a lot worse from here.

19. Royston Drenthe: "Tak Taki"

Former Real Madrid and Everton player Royston Drenthe is convinced he's a rapper.

As well as "Tak Taki," which he recorded with his rapper friend U-Niq, he's also done "Jemay-Lee," which is a rap about his daughter and we won't make fun of a song about a child. No matter how tempting it is.

"Tak Taki," however, isn't about a child, so it's fair game.

It seems to be about how good both of the song's protagonists are at life and all the expensive things they own—which is the sort of song the hip-hop scene has been crying out for.

18. Tottenham Hotspurs FA Cup Final Squad 1981: "Ossie's Dream"

For their 1981 FA Cup final song, Tottenham Hotspurs enlisted the help of cockney music duo, Chas & Dave (who should have known better), to record "Ossie's Dream."

However, Ossie's Dream was music's nightmare. The worst part is without a doubt the end of the song when they break into the chant about Spurs' star player, Ossie Ardiles.

"

Ossie's going to Wembley

His knees have gone all trembley

Come on you Spurs

Come on you Spurs.

"

Please don't worry that the visual and audio is out of sync in this YouTube video, it's just terrible miming.

It's quite low in the chart as it does still have an charm that comes with age. Like how a grandparents political views can go from "prejudices" to "set in their ways" as they become elderly.

17. Ruud Gullit: “Not the Dancing Kind”

One of football's most iconic images from the '80s is a dreadlocked Ruud Gullit, in his triangle-themed Netherlands kit, lifting the 1988 European Championship.

He would never go on to make such an impact on the music scene.

Gullit had a few stabs at the pop charts; we won’t make fun of his anti-apartheid song “South Africa,” as his heart was in the right place.

But his earlier effort, “Not The Dancing Kind," doesn’t get such favourable treatment. The song itself isn't the listen-again kind. And it doesn't really seem to have any verses, it just seems be to be one giant chorus, followed by a bridge, followed by another giant chorus.

Also, it’s hard not find the still image of a topless, fist-pumping, Gullit, that is throughout this YouTube video, thoroughly disturbing by around the 1:12 mark.

16. Manchester United: "Lift It High (All About Belief)"

It is often debated within music circles "when did Britpop die?"

Debate over: It died when Manchester United tried doing it.

Most Manchester United fans remember 1999 as a great year for the club, where nothing went wrong.

However, something went wrong for them, something went very wrong. They entered the recording studio.

"Lift It High (All About Belief)" sounds like the charity single released by all the contestants who managed get through to the live shows of Champagne Supercloner, the reality show to find the world's worst Oasis tribute act.

15. Liverpool FC: "Anfield Rap"

While Manchester United might have overtaken their old rivals Liverpool in the total English title wins, Liverpool can still boast having a slightly worse team song than United.

It samples Bill Shankly quotes.

The song's main narrative is about how two of Liverpool's local players are trying to teach their out-of-town teammates how to be more Scouse.

And it makes K-Fed look like a credible rapper in comparison, with lyrics like this:

"

They've won the league, bigger stars than Dallas

They got more silver than Buckingham Palace

No one knows quite what to expect

When the red machine's in full effect

"

Sounds good on paper, right?

Surprisingly, it doesn't quite work.

14. Youri Djorkaeff: "Vivre Dans Ta Lumiere"

If Madonna was a French man, she'd make this video. The black tank top and leather trousers are more late '90s than 1999.

"Vivre Dans Ta Lumiere" (translation: Living In Your Life), the song by former Inter Milan, Monaco and Bolton Wanderers' Youri Djorkaeff has aged worse than a mayfly and it seems more dated than the Gregorian calendar.

13. Ian Wright: "Do The Right Thing"

You know it’s going to be a good song when there’s a pun in the song's title.

The early '90s dance "anthem" seems to be trying to communicate a powerful message to the listener.

The only problem is, it's hard to tell what the message is apart from "do the right thing." There just seems to be a collage of words preceding and following on from the sentence "do the right thing."

Luckily, Ian followed the song's only obvious message and did the right thing by never releasing a single again.

12. Paul Gascoigne: "Fog on the Tyne"

Before anyone had raised a question about his health or well-being, Paul Gascoigne released "Fog On The Tyne."

The main flaw with the song is the logic behind the chorus (the River Tyne runs through Newcastle).

"

Fog on the Tyne, is all mine, all mine

Fog on the Tyne is all mine.

"

How can the fog belong to you, Paul? Where would you keep it and how on earth would you store fog?

And, no one likes fog. It causes dangerous driving conditions. It's not like sunshine, which is overwhelmingly popular. You're claiming ownership of some very unlikeable weather here.

The song does have a charm to it and it's a lot like Gazza as a person. You're pleased to hear about it now-a-days, but you certainly wouldn't want it in your house.

11. Morten Gamst Pedersen/The Players: “This Is for Real”

“But surely,” you ask, “a boy band made up of purely Norwegian footballers can only produce music gold.”

You’d think, but The Players, a boy band that boasts the likes of Blackburn Rovers’ Morten Gamst Pedersen, managed to do the impossible and make a pretty rubbish song in “This Is For Real.”

And, unfortunately for humankind, the song title is right; it is for real.

There doesn't seem to be a music video for this "song," but if there was, it would probably include a lot of unbuttoned white shirts, The Players singing in an abandoned, windy field and a cameo from Pedersen's former Blackburn manager, Steve Kean, playing guitar.

10. Johan Cruyff: "Oei, Oei, Oei Dat Was Me Weer Een Loei"

Oei, Oei, Oei, Johan.

If Monty Python did a musical sketch parodying how they imagine Dutch pop music to be, it would be "Oei, Oei, Oei Dat Was Me Weer Een Loei."

There are two types of "Cruyff turn." One is a football trick where you turn quickly, fooling your marker and the other is when you turn your stereo off as quickly as you can when Johan Cruyff's song comes on.

9. Leon McKenzie: "Finally"

90 appearances for Peterborough United.

85 appearances for Crystal Palace.

79 appearances for Norwich City.

9 appearances for Kettering Town.

Leon McKenzie's football career wasn't that memorable, but compared to his music career, it seems like the fall of the Berlin Wall or the JFK assassination.

Since retiring from football, McKenzie has made a move into music. Here is his song as one half of Leon & Harvey, "Finally."

The best part about this song isn't actually from Leon but from Lady Leshurr, who features on this song, she sings:

"

"You got me singing like Beyonce."

"

At which point she transitions into the chorus, where she sings absolutely nothing like Beyonce.

And then at 4:02 the song finally stops.

8. Ryan Babel’s Freestyle Rap

There’s something about Dutch footballers that makes them as bad the English players for thinking they can actually do music.

To some, Ryan Babel has the honor of being mentioned in the same breath as other legendary Liverpool strikers like Florent Sinama-Pongolle or Andriy Voronin. But fans of the Dutch freestyle rap scene might not think of Babel so favorably.

In this freestyle rap, he drops lyrics like:

"

I'm the Liverpool star those b****** are loving

I know what time it is, I've just bought a new watch

"

And:

"

I went from the Euro to the English pound

I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing

"

And:

"

If somebody want beef, well come on

I like it with some pepper, homie

"

7. Asamoah Gyan: "African Girls"

Football-numbering purists complain that Asamoah Gyan is a striker wearing the No. 3 shirt.

Music purists say, in comparison to their plight, football-numbering purists have nothing to complain about.

Under the stage name “Baby Jet,” which would actually be a more fitting stage name for a female contestant in the junior edition of Gladiators, Asamoah and a music artist by the name of Castro released "African Girls."

Surprisingly, the song is about girls from the continent of Africa.

Gyan's contribution to the song seems to be, just listing girls names.

"

Linda, Barbara, Monica, Jessica, Pamela, Sarah, Gifty, na Diana.

"

We're not sure if this counts as singing or just reading your Facebook friend list out loud.

6. Basile Boli and Chris Waddle: "We've Got a Feeling"

Don’t worry, someone hasn’t slipped something in your drink. This is just an incredibly strange piece of music.

It really is so, so, so strange.

Basile Boli is remembered by English football fans for two things:

1. Recording this song that's as mad as a jar of parrots with his Marseille teammate, Chris Waddle.
2. Headbutting Stuart Pearce in Euro 92.

The latter is probably the most rational and well-thought-out of the two incidents.

The chorus of Chris and Basile's single consists of Basile and Chris singing over and over again "We've Got A Feeling."

If you ever get a feeling similar to theirs, we can't stress how important it is that you seek medical help immediately. Under no circumstances must you make a song about it.

5. Vinnie Jones: "Big Bad Leroy Brown"

In 2002, something possessed Vinnie Jones to cover "Big Bad Leroy Brown."

Vinnie Jones has a reputation for being quite violent and not taking jokes about him that well, so all we're going to say is if you want an accurate description of his music effort, look for the second word in the song's title.

4. Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle: "Diamond Lights"

It's always nice to see a familiar face.

Both Chris Waddle (with Basile Boli) and Glenn Hoddle (with Spurs 1981 cup final team) have already had an entry in this chart, but they didn't let that hold them back.

The music video for 1987's "Diamond Lights," Glenn and Chris' only (thank goodness) song, was very cringe-worthy, but it has nothing on this Top Of The Pops performance.

See Chris Waddle, in the black jacket, wanting to get it over with and hating every millisecond.

Then look at Glenn Hoddle next to him, glowing in his white jacket, thinking: "Yeah. This is where I'm meant to be. This is my calling."

Also give yourself a bonus point for every time you spot the world's most pathetic pyrotechnic display in the background. Is that a firework or has someone thrown a glass of lemonade on the circuit board of a 1993 supercomputer?

3. Clint Dempsey: “Don’t Tread”

Some of the entries on this list have the charm of not taking themselves too seriously.

But “Don’t Tread” by Clint Dempsey? Not so much.

There have been funerals that have taken themselves less seriously than "Don't Tread".

This song is what would have happened if DMX had played for Nottingham Forest.

2. Kevin Keegan: "Head Over Heels In Love"

Cards on the table. There isn’t anything that isn’t really funny about Kevin Keegan's "Head Over Heels In Love" video.

Dance moves.

Outfit.

Hair.

The semi-chroma keyed in background.

Facial expressions.

The little graphic that pops up 1:12 into the song that reminds you you're listening to "Kevin Keegan - Head Over Heels In Love" and stays on screen for nearly 20 long seconds.

All painfully hilarious.

And, oh yeah, close your eyes a minute and listen. Can you hear it? He's singing the worst song in the world.

1. Andy Cole: "Outstanding"

...Well, maybe not thee worst song in the world.

Step forward Andy Cole.

Here's a new terrace chant:

"Andy Cole,

Andy Cole,

Andy, Andy Cole

His music should be banished into space and thrown in a black hole,

Andy, Andy Cole."

"Outstanding" by former Manchester United and Newcastle United striker, Andy Cole, is what would happen if you mixed a Jay-Z track with music software that deleted Jay-Z tracks and just released a really horrible rap song instead.

In the introduction to the song, we're told, "No one can do it better."

This is a promise Andy Cole could not keep.

Cole's himself later told FourFourTwo about the song, "Forget this. That was shocking, man. No, really, fast-forward this."

We must warn you that if you do fast-forward you will miss lyrics like:

"

United forever, whatever the weather

Less than 100%? Never!

The son of a miner, funkiest rhymer

Always in the news, my crew's the headliner

£7.5 mill record breaker, I’m rapping on the mic, I'm a record maker.

"

Outstanding.