The Sport Of Marriage Counselling

A British couple was near the breaking point.  A last-ditched effort was made to go to a marriage counsellor.  Since they were a little tight on money they went to a bargain basement family counsellor operating out of his basement

He welcomed them at the door and lead them down to the dark dank basement which contained three stools and a swinging interrogation light.

"Welcome to Splinter Marriage Counselling, I am Harry Splinter, counsellor and the owner. Please have a stool...I mean ...have a seat."

The couple each sat on a stool and looked very uneasy as if the war was ready to start at any moment.  "Please tell me your names.", Splinter stated. 

The husband spoke up first.  "I am Taylor Blast and this is my wife Harmony."

Splinter (writing their names down):  Ok, Taylor and Harmony Blast - it is obvious that you have come to Splinter Marriage Counselling to work out some issues.  I must say, you have taken the first step by both agreeing to come here and that is a great positive. 

The couple remained silent.

Splinter:  Ok, let's talk about your personal space issues.  Do either of you have any comments, grievance you want to share? 

Harmony: No. No complaints here

Taylor: Me, either.

Splinter: So neither of you feels the other is overbearing or controlling in your day-to-day issues?

Taylor: No everything is fine here.

Harmony: Yeah, just lovely.

Splinter:  Ok, let's move on to an important issue.  How do you feel about each other and what your partner's function in life?

Harmony:  Taylor is a great guy.  He is chief accountant at large firm.  He is a wonderful provider. 

Taylor: Harmony is a wonderful cook, a part-time Chef and a great around the home.

Splinter (stopped for a long double-take glance): "Rrrrigghtt.  Ok, let's get to the nitty gritty.  Money!!"  

He expected a deluge of fire-works but the couple ominously remained calm. 

Taylor: My wife is great with money and we both set up the family budget and because we follow it closely, we are living quite comfortably.

Harmony: We are not wanting for anything financially.  We live in a great home, drive two cars and have a cottage in the country for the summer months. 

Splinter:  Okay. (Long pause) In-laws, religion and children.

Taylor: Lovely people, we are both atheists....

Harmony: ....and we decided we do not want any children.

Splinter:  Wow! You even finish each other's sentences!  Ah...How about intimacy.....sex?

Taylor:  Look we could be here a long time having you try to guess and all...

Harmony: We are here for a good reason and we need help quickly....our problem is Tennis. 

Splinter:  Tennis?

Taylor: Yes tennis.  But not just the game of tennis but two very specific people in it. 

Splinter:  What...are you both having affairs with a line judge?

Harmony: No No NO.  I am a Roger Federer fan and my dim-witted husband here is a Rafael Nadal fan. 

Taylor: Dim-witted husband?  You take that back you hear.  That coming from someone whose hero got lucky at the US Open last year.

Harmony: LUCKY?  He got lucky 13 times and he is going to be a lot luckier than you are if you keep this up. 

Splinter:  OK....Woa...Woa Woa...everybody take a time out..Let me get this straight your biggest problem is that you Taylor are a Rafael Nadal fan while Harmony is a Roger Federer fan..do I have that right? 

Taylor and Harmony (together):  Yes

Splinter: Wow, you really do need an umpire. 

Taylor: Yes I am having a hard time convincing her that Rafa is the greatest. 

Harmony: Scr** you!! Roger is the greatest...he has done way more...

Taylor: Oh yeah..Rafa is way younger and is doing more faster.

Harmony: Just like you...you annoy me faster.

Splinter:  Please, please people ... I have never seen such passionate arguing.  By the way how are things in the bedroom with you two?

Taylor: No problem there, mate.  Right in the middle of lovemaking, almost at the climax, I yell "VAMOS, RAFA!!!!".  It is awesome.

Harmony:  I never really heard that because I am too busy screaming "OHHH ROGER!!!".

Splinter:  Oh my....

Taylor:  What we really need is someone to sort of break the deadlock of who is the greatest. 

Harmony: Yeah, we need someone who will tip the tiebreaker in the fifth set.  So?

Splinter: Huh?

Taylor: So?

Splinter: So what?

Taylor: So who is the greatest - Roger or Rafael?

Splinter: Oh I see; You both want me to decide this question... (Taylor and Harmony both lean close to Splinter waiting for the answer)

Taylor: And?

Harmony: So?

Splinter: Well, I haven't actually thought a lot about this but I have to say.....that....I am partial to..........................................Andy Murray!

Both Taylor and Harmony are now screaming in his face.

Taylor: ARE YOU BLOODY CRAZY...HE HAS NOT EVEN WON ONE SLAM YET....

Harmony:  YOU ARE NUTS... HE ALWAYS FOLDS AFTER ONE BIG MATCH...

(The yelling goes on and on until Splinter starts grabbing his chest.  He stands up, gasping for air and then keels over - dead before he even hits the floor.)

The couple stares down at the lifeless body.

Harmony: Typical Murray fan....

Taylor (pulls out his pad):  Right, this is now the fourth one we've been to..(looks at his notes) Do you want to try Peacebridge Marriage Counselling?

Harmony: Let's do it.  (The couple high five each other over the body)  Now, let's get out of here before the coppers show up. 

The couple makes a hasty exit out. 

The End