A Hater's Guide to NFL Week 7: Why Your Team Is Bound to Lose

It's Week 7 in the NFL, your team still stinks and it's about to lose.

Haters gon' hate, and as a paid hater, I'm serving up a helping of hatred so big that New York City will later outlaw it. This isn't just my job though; this hatred is also a labor of love. See, the NFL season has been going on long enough that my deep-seated hatred for all of your teams is really all I have left.

Don't hate the player, hate the game?

Naw, hate the player as well. It's only fair, because we've covered how fond I am of my dislike for all of you as well. It's not your fault, baby, you were born that way—smelly, slimy and whiny as all get-out.

What follows is an entirely scientific compilation of every reason why your team (yeah, every team!) will lose in Week 7. It is entirely serious. Every word is factual, and you have every right to comment angrily below. I encourage it. I welcome it. In fact, if you'd like, I could come to your houses and let each one of you personally punch me in the face. You hit like a girl, so I'm really not worried.

Tennessee Titans at Buffalo Bills

Tennessee Titans

Jake Locker re-injured his arm this week. Details are sketchy, but it seems that he ran into the locker room proclaiming, "Everything is fine guys, I'm ready to play this week!" He doesn't remember anything after that, but Kenny Britt is lying low for a while, and Brick may have killed a guy.

Matt Hasselbeck starts against the Bills in his own personal attempt to keep collecting paychecks and save the country's Social Security system.

Buffalo Bills

Sadly, Ryan Fitzpatrick also misses the game after a horde of comic book fans mistake him for the Norse god Odin from Thor.

Chan Gailey installs Vince Young as the Week 7 starter, saying, "No, no, I'm pretty sure he's still on our team. What? He's not? Oh well, screw it. No one expects us to win any way. It's cold as a witch's tit up here. Why didn't anyone tell me that before I took this job?"

Following the press conference, his assistants treat him to a nice 3 p.m. dinner at IHOP and help him into bed.

Washington Redskins at New York Giants

Washington Redskins

The Redskins are thrown into disarray as Mike Shanahan spends the whole first quarter applying Chapstick to his entire body.

It doesn't help, but it finally convinces Dan Snyder to do something about that racist logo. He decides to keep the name but replaces the Indian head and feather with a picture of Shanahan's windburned face.

New York Giants

Pissed because Shanahan used all of his Chapstick, Tom Coughlin vows revenge. However, he quickly forgets his animosity upon seeing Robert Griffin III and spends the rest of the game trying to give the opposing quarterback a piece of decade-old hard candy.

Eli Manning, angry because that candy should be his, throws 22 rage-fueled interceptions.

New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees is offended in pregame warm-ups when Josh Freeman offers to sign an autograph and notes that it's "so great Make-A-Wish helps little boys like you live their dreams." Although Brees is upset, he does accept Freeman's offer of a piggy-back ride and is overheard giggling like a schoolgirl.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Forgetting what city he lives in, Greg Schiano makes a tragic misstep in his pregame speech to the defense. Although he was trying to underscore the necessity of winning the turnover battle, Schiano should've known better than to say the word "strip" so many times. That's the last time anyone ever saw Aqib Talib...

Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers

Dallas Cowboys

Finally having enough of Jason Garrett's poor clock management and general ineptitude, Jerry Jones decides to coach the team himself for the rest of the season. The general morale of the team suffers, however, when Jones spends each game reclined on a crushed velvet cushion while Kyle Orton feeds him grapes.

Carolina Panthers

Taking a page out of his teammate's playbook, Cam Newton buys a full-page ad in The Charlotte Observer apologizing for his surly mood over the first part of the season. The plan backfires, though, as fans have come to expect the exact opposite of whatever an ad from one of the Panthers says.

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans

Baltimore Ravens

Looking to avoid the injury bug, Ray Rice straps himself down with bubble wrap and ice packs for the entire week. The plan works right up until Rice tries to pass through a security checkpoint at the airport...

Houston Texans

After last week's traveshamockery against the Packers, Gary Kubiak becomes reasonably convinced that it is still 2006, so he benches Arian Foster for Samkon Gado. Despite being retired for a few years now, Gado still rushes for 100 yards behind that offensive line. The game looks winnable until David Carr shows up and is immediately strip-sacked.

Cleveland Browns at Indianapolis Colts

Cleveland Browns

Fearing for their job security under new ownership, Pat Shurmur and Brad Childress begin the game with 30 straight runs by Trent Richardson. The Browns are ahead until Richardson's ACL snaps off like a rubber band and hits Brandon Weeden right in the eye.

Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck takes the first snap of the game, calmly walks over and hands the ball to Joe Haden. "It's just easier this way," Luck says, as he walks off into tunnel and sobs, getting tears all over the picture of Jim Harbaugh in his heart-shaped locket.

Green Bay Packers at St. Louis Rams

Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense refuse to take the field, claiming they're going to "go out on top" after their win against the Texans last week. Forced to play both ways, the Packers defense is able to keep the game close until Mike McCarthy calls 12 straight pass plays while ahead in the fourth quarter.

St. Louis Rams

Sam Bradford looks at Clay Matthews before the game, looks at Wayne Hunter, then back to Matthews. He is never heard from again.

Arizona Cardinals at Minnesota Vikings

Arizona Cardinals

The Vikings and Cardinals pair up for charity, allowing members of the Minnesota crowd to come down and line up against Bobby Massie. Massie performs admirably, but John Skelton needs to leave the game in the second quarter after taking his seventh sack.

Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings are doing well until they unveil their new offensive package made up entirely of Notre Dame tight ends. Rick Spielman can hardly contain his excitement as 61-year-old Dave Casper lines up under center and throws a perfect strike to Mark Bavaro.

The fun ends there, sadly, as Spielman demands one of the Notre Dame tight ends also kick a field goal. The kick is blocked when Ken MacAfee breaks his hip, and it is returned by Patrick Peterson for the game-winning touchdown.

New York Jets at New England Patriots

New York Jets

Rex Ryan, giggling like a young boy hiding some chocolate, finally unveils his "secret" Tim Tebow offense. The rest of the league is shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, when the Jets finally play the QB everyone says is a fullback at fullback.

Wait, the QB who can't throw is going to just run it? Up is down! Down is up! Cats and dogs are living together! Antonio Cromartie is buying a prophylactic! It's pure insanity!

Great secret, Rex!

New England Patriots

Nope, not going to pretend that the Patriots are going to lose to a team that has Tim Tebow on it. I write some absurd thing in the Hater's Guide every week, but I have my limits.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Oakland Raiders

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Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals

Pittsburgh Steelers

Long known as a team that travels well, the Steelers are forced to forfeit in Week 7 when a large contingent of their fans, quite literally, takes up residence in Paul Brown Stadium.

The dejected Steelers decide to leave, but the bus gets held up. It seems that even though the Bengals defense never takes the field, Rashard Mendenhall is unable to move on Sunday afternoons except in 2.5-yard increments.

Cincinnati Bengals

Deciding to do a little extra scouting to turn his team around, owner Mike Brown signs Taylor Kitsch as the team's new running back. Kitsch, unable to get work since that John Carter nonsense, agrees to a contract and is immediately broken in half on his first play from scrimmage.

Backup Boobie Miles replaces Kitsch and finishes the day with 22 rushes for 12 yards. Somewhere, BenJarvus Green-Ellis is seen taking notes.

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears

Detroit Lions

Being such a short trip, the Lions decide to take a charter bus to Chicago for the game. Somehow, against all odds, Ndamukong Suh is able to convince the team to let him drive, just for a little bit. Deciding to kill two birds with one stone, Suh just drives the bus right into Soldier Field and runs over Jay Cutler.

He is assessed a 15-yard penalty, fined $50K and has his license revoked, but Jim Schwartz still doesn't seem to see anything wrong with the play.

Chicago Bears

Sick of all the verbal, mental and physical abuse, the Chicago Bears offensive linemen finally decide to get back at Jay Cutler. Making a pact to play as poorly as possible, the line is actually able to keep Cutler upright for the entire first half. Unable to work in a clean pocket, Cutler throws six interceptions to fans the Lions pulled down from the crowd to play defensive back.

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Michael Schottey is the NFL national lead writer for Bleacher Report and an award-winning member of the Pro Football Writers of America. Find more of his stuff alongside other great writers at "The Go Route."