NBA Hipster Rankings: Summer Edition

It's that time of year again, the one when no one is safe from the "style choices" employed by the world's basketball elite.

In some hybridized movement of irony and sadism, the NBA's young stars are making everyone except Kim Kardashian wish they never, ever took their uniforms off. Even the Sacramento Kings' garish purple jerseys look better than what some of these guys wear when they're out on the town.

The indier-than-thou results of said movement should trouble us all, from the preppiest to the trendiest to those that couldn't care less. You'd think Tim Burton's costume designers struck a deal to clothe the NBA's finest.

When human evolution takes turns like these, I apply a very simple test: What would extraterrestrials think? Sadly, I don't think they'd be pleased, so yes, we may be one step closer to interstellar annihilation.

But until it comes to that, we can at least rank these worst offenders. Before you restock your closet, here's a look at the 10 most hipster duds of the summer.

Who will be crowned most hipster of them all?

10. Baron Davis

Baron Davis is the godfather of the NBA's hipster infusion. When he started dressing like this, it was still sort of novel.

For that, he's rewarded with last place in the rankings—a recognition of the fact that his innovative fashion wasn't nearly as derivative and overdone as the emergent flood of tacky-chic duds not seen since Zoolander's Derelicte line.

On the other hand, maybe I should take umbrage with Davis for inspiring all this.

Just can't bring myself to come down too hard on a Bruin recovering from an exploding knee.

9. Nick Young

Oh, heavens.

It appears as though shooting guard Nick Young has ripped up the flag of some obscure island nation, donning it for his own nefarious purposes. Never mind the ode to Tom Selleck's chest, sketchy smile or need for indoor shades.

The shirt alone is more than enough to stop the presses—and maybe for good.

8. James Harden

Alright, I think I know what happened here.

James Harden's now-ex-girlfriend Trina probably gave the Bearded One this horrendous suit, and he wore it to accept the Sixth Man of the Year award purely out of duress. That's the most charitable explanation I can muster.

Then again, who knows what kind of internal machinations possess a man to bear that beard?

Perhaps the very same that made salmon seem like a good idea. Given this roster's flare for...well, flare...you sort of wonder what Serge Ibaka, Kendrick Perkins and Nick Collison would looked like all dolled up in some hipster gear.

Somehow, I don't think we'll find out.

7. Rajon Rondo

Ordinarily, I'm of the opinion that Rajon Rondo can do no wrong.

But then this piano-jacket-thing happened and made me question every opinion I've ever had.

Rondo did wrong. He did very wrong.

This isn't typical for the Boston Celtics' All-Star point guard. The usually subdued star usually dresses accordingly. Perhaps this was the result of a dare or lost bet. Perhaps he was just making fun how LeBron James and Dwyane Wade sometimes suit up.

I'll accept any excuse.

6. Dwyane Wade

Well when you have a head as big as Dwyane Wade's, I guess you need the glasses to match. (Can they still be described as glasses if they don't have any lenses?)

These things are huge. Did they come with storage space?

We all know Wade has made some interesting choices, and they haven't stopped at eyewear. They definitely should, though.

5. Blake Griffin

If you were all the sudden a big star making it big in Kia commercials, wouldn't it be your dream to dress just like the dad in That 70s Show?

Nope? Me neither.

But then again, Blake Griffin isn't like most of us. He made it cool to talk with no expression whatsoever, and Kris Humphries quickly followed suit. The cavemen from those Geico commercials should be taking voice lessons from these guys.

4. Tyson Chandler

Tyson Chandler celebrates Halloween a little early apparently.

What he's dressed up as is anyone's guess. I'm not just offended and bewildered by this one; I'm actually scared. It looks like he's going to the hippest funeral ever.

Whatever, Mr. Defensive Player of the Year. I blame New York.

3. LeBron James

On the one hand, it looks like LeBron is about to break into a verse of "Born in the USA."

On the other hand, he's got the glasses that can only mean one thing: He's super cool.

James has become one of the more eclectic dressers, which is great, because we wouldn't be talking about him nearly enough otherwise. If you're going to create a brand on the court, it looks like you have to do so off the court as well.

Even if that brand looks ridiculous from time to time.

2. Amar'e Stoudemire

In case you were wondering how to make a sling look even more classy—and who doesn't at some point—Amar'e Stoudemire has your answer.

Start with a tiny hat that makes your head look enormous. Never fails.

Then comes the goods: a sleeveless jean jacket. It classed up the 1980s, which is exactly where we should be looking for nuggets of genius. And hey, even if you don't need a sling, no one has to know there's nothing wrong with your arm. It hasn't stopped anyone from gratuitously wearing glasses.

1. Russell Westbrook

When compared to his press conference attire, Russell Westbrook's summer outfit actually looks a bit tame.

Until you get to those yellow shoes.

More importantly, Westbrook has earned this through sheer determination. He's relentlessly ridiculous, wearing something provocative for every press conference and public outing. That kind of commitment should be rewarded, normal-looking Lacoste shirt notwithstanding.

Congratulations, Russell. I hope this makes up for all the mean things Magic Johnson said about you during the Finals.