50 Reasons Your Fantasy Football Team Won't Be Competitive in 2012

I know you because I've drafted with you. I shook my head when you snagged Adam Vinatieri in the 9th round, and I felt a little embarrassed on your behalf when you drafted Randy Moss last season.

And, honestly, I don't want to see it happen again.

Sure, it's nice to know there are a couple teams in my league that I know I'll beat when the schedule rolls around, but, like selling a blind kid a dead parakeet and some baseball cards, every win over a team with an unfilled starting roster leaves me with an empty feeling inside.

So read this. And actually follow its advice this year, instead of stubbornly clinging to your habits because leagues change and so can players. But only if you pay attention to the next fifty slides, instead of feeling "unlucky" because you drafted a player who tore his ACL in training camp and "ESPN didn't adjust its rankings!"

2012 is a new year. Make it a less embarrassing one.

1. You Selected a Kicker Before the 14th Round of Your Draft.

Please stop doing this.

2. You're the Guy in Your League Who Drafted Peyton Hillis Last Year.

It was the worst-kept pre-draft secret of 2011.

3. You Still Don’t Respect the Madden Curse.

Do you really think it's just coincidence?

4. You Didn’t Draft Ray Rice, Arian Foster or LeSean McCoy First Overall.

This is just fantasy football 101.

5. You Didn’t Realize Your League Scores Points Per Reception (PPR).

Learn the rules, Grasshopper because, yeah, it is a big deal.

6. You Still Don’t Understand How the Hell Waivers Work.

It's not rocket science. Study.

7. You Drafted Three Running Backs with the Same Bye Week.

Who you going to start Week 4?

8. You Reach on Sleepers, Miscomprehending the Term’s Meaning

It's only an advantage if you draft them below their value.

9. You Bought a Fantasy Draft Magazine Two Hours Before Your Draft

You probably also tore out the cheat sheets in the back as "preparation."

10. You Couldn’t Hold Your Alcohol at Your League’s Draft.

And you pounded your chest after every pick until the later rounds of your draft, when you looked more like the fellow on the left.

11. You Sincerely Believe Football Is a “Numbers Game”

You must be confusing it with the sport featuring ten times as many regular season games.

12. You Drafted Chad Ochocinco.

You know he caught like 15 passes last season, right?

13. You Still Call Chad Ochocinco “Chad Johnson.”

Yes, it was probably a mistake, but he did legally change his name.

14. You’re Sold on This Being Matt Moore’s Year.

It's not.

15. You’re Confident in Mark Sanchez Being the Starting Quarterback for the Jets

You should be more confident he does at least one embarrassing interview with GQ during the season.

16. You Believe Tim Tebow Should Be the Starting Quarterback for the Jets.

You realize how unlikely last season's heroics were, correct?

17. You’re Still Pretty Sure Reggie Wayne Is a Top Five Fantasy Receiver.

You also probably think your high school girlfriend will look just as hot at the 20th reunion. She won't, or your standards have changed.

18. You Believe Nothing Will Deter Drew Brees from Being a Top 3 Fantasy QB

Not even suspensions, hold-out rumors, coaching changes or the general disarray in New Orleans?

19. You Picked Any Quarterback from the NFC West to Be Your Every-Week Starter.

Because Flynn's numbers will look a little different without Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Jermichael Finley, James Jones or Donald Driver.

20. You're Not a Broncos Fan but You Still Got Caught Up in Tebowmania Last Year

Seriously, do you not recognize how poorly he played?

21. You Still Aren’t Sold on Cam Newton…

You also probably draw ill-conceived comparisons between him and Michael Vick.

22. But You Are Sold on RGIII.

Because Washington and Mike Shanahan have such a rich tradition of quarterbacks, right?

23. You Drafted Any Patriots RBs and Don’t Anticipate Constant Frustration

Expect it.

24. You Drafted Your Fantasy Defense Before the 8th Round.

It was Pittsburgh, too, wasn't it?

25. You Don’t Tweak the Pre-Draft Rankings Your League Manager Has in Default

It takes like an hour, hour and a half, tops. Do it.

26. You Leave Open Spots on Your Starting Roster from Time to Time

Check the damn schedule. Because this isn't 1965, and there are games on Thursdays.

27. Your Masochistic League Has 16 Teams.

Because a part of you will die when you draft Jeremy Kerley (left) to start in a flex position.

28. Your League Scoring Is so Convoluted No One Has a Clue Until Tuesday Who Won

Does Tom Brady's team score "bonus" points every week he passes for 300+ yards? No, because that would be stupid.

29. You Used “Autodraft” to Pick Your Team.

Don't complain that the artificial intelligence took David Akers in the sixth round because you were too lazy to include yourself in the best part of any fantasy football league.

30. You Drafted Rashard Mendenhall in the 4th Round and Think It Was a “Steal"

He's hurt. Do your homework.

31. You Pretty Much Draft Based on Name-Recognition.

"Wait, Terrell Owens is still on the board? NOT ANYMORE!"

32. You Snagged Brett Favre in the 13th Round, “Just in Case.”

No one is laughing "with" you.

33. You Set Your Lineup Based Purely on ESPN's Weekly “Projected Points”

Because they're so freaking accurate, right?

34. You Refuse to Draft Any Players from Your Favorite Team’s Rivals.

Which is why your fantasy team will do no better than your real life favorite team. Sorry, Raiders fans.

35. You Draft an Inordinate Number of Minnesota Vikings Because You're a Fan

Not even Percy Harvin would draft Christian Ponder.

36. You Take Preseason Numbers Seriously.

Do you watch the Pro Bowl, too?

37. You Took Jermaine Gresham Ahead of Aaron Hernandez

Because the former had a Pro Bowl season, right?

38. You Believe Joe Flacco When He Says He’s the Best Quarterback in the NFL.

No one believes that. 

39. You Think Your Work Is over After the Draft Because Your Roster Is Perfect

It's not. So take a note from Vince Young – championships are won when the games are played, not after the roster is assembled.

40. You Spent Your First Four Picks on Running Backs

Tip: nobody wants to trade with you for Doug Martin.

41. You Always Fill out Your Starting Roster in the Draft First

Do yourself a favor and consider a backup running back before you take a kicker, okay?

42. You Reached on Adrian Peterson, Then Forgot to Draft Toby Gerhart

Because you think “handcuffs” are only useful to cops and couples in a stale relationship.

43. You Draft Janikowski Every Year Because, Dammit, He Has the Strongest Leg

And you like his nickname because it reminds you of Dumb and Dumber.

44. You Can Quote Every Line from the Aforementioned Movie but ...

... have no idea how many receivers nabbed 100 receptions last season, let alone who they are. (Answer: 2, Wes Welker and Roddy White)

45. You Refuse in Principle to Draft a Tight End Before the 5th Round.

Similarly, your first pick is always a quarterback because “it’s the most important position in football.”

46. You Drafted Vincent Jackson Because He’s Philip Rivers’ Go-to Receiver.

Please pay some attention to the offseason.

47. You Believe There Is an Ideal Order of Drafting Positions

And it can be determined before your custom-scoring league’s draft takes place, right? Yeah, no way your league mates deviate.

48. You Drafted RGIII, the Law Firm, All Day Peterson, ...

... Megatron, TJ Whosyourmomma, Gronk, The Purple People Eaters and Seabass because you like having a nickname for every player on your roster.

(Those players, in order, are Robert Griffin, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Rob Gronkowski, and the Minnesota Vikings defense.)

49. You Can’t Understand Why “Suck for Luck” Was a Morally Bankrupt Pipe Dream.

Because losing is never the right decision. Ever.

50. You See No Shame in Losing Because You Play Fantasy Football “Just for Fun”

And not for money, pride or the ridiculous trophy?

Then forget the last 49 slides. You don't deserve to win.