Worst in the MLB: A Casual Fan Calls out the Luckless

The new baseball season is upon us and I couldn’t be happier.  There is something about baseball that gets to me.  It’s the newness of it all; it’s the youthful optimism that every player has when they first report to camp.

In Roger Clemens’ case, it’s that oh so refreshing first shot of "B12".

For a few lucky teams, dreams of becoming World Series champs creep into their minds and they think to themselves: "This is a team that can win it all, this is a team I am proud to be a part of."  Sorry Kansas City, you are not among these hopeful teams. 

Everyone knows who the best teams in the Major Leagues are.  There’s no need to name these teams.

What I would like to get into are the worst teams in baseball, the teams that make their fans become Yankee fans because they can’t stand watching crappy baseball, the teams that wish they could be the next Detroit Tigers or Arizona Diamondbacks.

Here are the 10 worst teams in baseball. (With an appropriate ranking system)

National League

Pittsburgh Pirates

What can you say about this team?  On paper their offense looks decent, maybe a little better than mediocre.  But other than Jason Bay, who would you trust to provide any real production…Xavier Nady, Jack Wilson?

One might point out that Freddy Sanchez is a former batting champ. But let’s face it, he’s the worst batting champ since Bill Mueller.

Still, this offense is not terrible.  Just mediocre and mediocre is not going to help with a pitching staff this bad.

Tom Gorzelanny is slated to be the number one guy in the rotation.  Really?

7 Toilet Bowls out of 10

San Francisco Giants

This one is painful for me.  It’s my hometown team, the team I grew up with.  But facts are facts.  They suck.  Obviously their pitching is their strength.  They’re still a bit unproven, but they manage to be above average. 

Their offense, on the other hand, is as thin as the plotline of a Will Ferrell movie. 

The only real proven hitters they have are an aging catcher (Bengie Molina) who runs as fast as Fat Albert chasing a cheeseburger down the street, a right fielder (Randy Winn) who was the best player on the D-RAYS!  Then there’s Aaron Rowand—he’s a good pick up, but just won’t be enough.

Good luck, Matt Cain, with losing 1-0 one hitters again this year.

6 Toilet Bowls out of 10 (It should be higher, but I just can’t do that to my Giants.)

Washington Nationals

I hate to admit it, but they have a decent offense with some good pop.  But they will only be better than the Marlins in the East, mainly because they have one of the worst pitching staffs in the majors.

You know when Shawn Hill, John Patterson, Jason Bergmann, Matt Chico and John Lannan are your starting five, then you have some problems.  It’s as if the Nats picked these guys up from my Sunday night softball league.

6 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Cincinnati Reds

This team is as mediocre as it gets.  They have an average rotation, average bullpen, average offense and an average manager.  Even with the grading curve of the NL Central they’re still a C- student.  They’re so boring I can’t stand to write about them anymore.

5 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Florida Marlins

Out of all the teams on this list, this is the team I respect the least.  They are in a perennial fire sale.  Why would anyone in Florida care about their team?

Sure they have some young promising players, but as soon as they become stars they’ll traded off to a contender.  Maybe the owners of the team are confused about what business their in.  This is a Major League Baseball club, not an escort service.

9 Toilet Bowls out of 10

American League

Oakland A’s

Hooray everybody, let’s hear it for Money Ball.  While there may be a method to Billy Beane’s madness, the downside is that every so often you wind up with a minor league team.

But they still have a few decent players.  They have guys like Eric Chavez, Rich Harden, and Bobby Crosby.  It’s just too bad that at least two of them will be on the DL multiple times during the course of the year.  Wait, look, here comes Emil Brown to the rescue!

7 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Kansas City Royals

The one positive thing I can say about this team is that the video game version of John Buck was an All Star.  That digital player could mash.  The Royals would not trade him to me unless I gave up two superstars.  I was in shock.

But seriously, this team is only there so there’s something to do in Kansas City during the football offseason.  The only two proven players on that team are Jose Guillen and Gil Meche.

If you think Guillen is a malcontent, just wait until about late April.  He’s going to start slacking off and then blaming it on the team/manager/fans.

Gil Meche had a decent ERA last year but it doesn’t really matter…He plays for the Royals.

9 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Texas Rangers

The Rangers aren’t on this list because they’re a crap team.  They’re actually okay.  I just don’t like them for some reason and they just don’t have a chance of beating the Angels or Mariners in the West.

So if they can’t win a playoff spot, why not put them on a list full of bad teams?  They sure as hell haven’t done anything to be on a list with winning teams.  Is it better to be on a list with bad teams or not on any list?

5 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays might have the most exciting young players on this list.  Carl Crawford, B.J. Upton, Carlos Pena, and Scott Kazmir are the core of this team.  Unfortunately there’s not much help for them.

They also face another major obstacle: they are the Tampa Bay Rays.

They play in a joke of a stadium and they have one of the worst ownership groups in baseball.  The only team that’s a bigger laughing stock in the AL East is the last team on this list.

6 Toilet Bowls out of 10

Baltimore Orioles

Wow is this team bad.  It’s staggering how bad they are.

They have no power other than Nick Markakis and have no pitching staff.  Everything they’re lacking reflects the competency of the ownership.

Has there ever been an owner in baseball that has had their head further up their rear than Peter Angelos?  Wait there was one and he became the President of The United States. 

You are all doomed, Baltimore fans.

10 Toilet Bowls out of 10